Out of the Attic

action figure

2012-02-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

radiant goddess check in (week 2)

2012-02-12T17:45:00.000-08:00

In last Sunday's post I went through each of the healthful living areas that are addressed by the Radiant Goddess course. This week continued much the same, including the challenges I'm having with meditation.

I'm of two minds about it. When I meditate (or at least when I meditate well) I am more clear, calm, open, and resourceful. But I avoid doing it because it seems like a waste of time. Sitting still, quiet, doing nothing, maybe listening... I have stuff to do! My uninterrupted alone time is very limited! All the distractions and tasks chatter away in my mind convincing me not to meditate or crowding my peace of mind when I do sit still for five minutes.

I'll keep trying. Maybe first thing in the morning isn't the best match. I really enjoy having that little sliver of time to chat with L over coffee in bed. Maybe the five minutes between when I get home from work and when I go to get Little N will be a better window. A chance to bring myself home from the stresses of the office and prepare for the interests and pace of an energetic 4 year old.

making coffee

2012-02-11T17:37:00.000-08:00

We've had a rash of uncontrollable inconsolable tantrums lately. Little N gets wild with emotion, kicking, banging, spitting... and nothing and no one can reach him.

Nothing, except making coffee.

The first couple of times it happened I thought it was a fluke. He was in the throes of his fit when he said, "I make coffee." Then he bouncy walked to the kitchen with purpose and authority. I filled the back of the percolator with water and he measured out two scoops of coffee. He hovered over the top of it to "eat the steam" that rose up as the coffee dripped out below. When the coffee stopped bubbling he poured it into a mug and waited for me to add the milk.

A fresh cup of coffee seemed to issue a new attitude. It's now become one of my resources when we hit those impassable places of mood and energy. "Do you want to make coffee?" "Yeah, I make coffee." It grants him a little pause, and focus, predictable steps, control, and a finished product; a solid and solidifying process that seems to shift him from the bad reality into at least a neutral one.

By the time it's all said and done, I usually need a cup coffee.

clarity

2012-02-09T18:49:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been forgetting that I wanted to be working part-time and home more with Little N. Things are busy, complex, and stressful at the office and I feel out of the loop and only half informed as a part-time employee. I also find that I miss being with adults all day and that I get some pride, or at least satisfaction, in the work I've done. Plus, part-time work was supposed to provide a little time alone for me, to read and write and to figure out my next steps professionally. But Little N's schedule erased any chance for that. So what am I doing?

at the zoo

My yoga practice has given me a way to work with this question. At the start of each session we set an intention for our practice. Mine has been "clarity." That one word has made a difference for me. The yoga opened my mind and my body to see something more true than the rush and needs of the office. The intention of clarity shone a light on what and who is most important to me, enjoyable, and fulfilling for me right now.

What I'm doing is being with Little N in a simple and real way, which I wasn't able to do when he was a baby. Postpartum depression sent me running back to the adult world of the office as soon as maternity leave ended. Now I feel like I have a second chance and more time to cultivate a mother son relationship; we're bonding.

We have good moments and draining hours, like every mother and son. It's not easy, getting to know and learn this little person. But it is good. And when he calls for me, "Mommy, come hold my hand." "Mommy, come over here and play with Little N." "Mommy, come sit with Little N right there." I'm starting to think, "He's not always going to want me right there. I'm not always going to be right here to hold his hand." I might sigh or tell him to wait a minute, but I usually stop what I'm in the middle of and go be with him. And I usually remember that it's what I wanted to be doing in the first place.

it's here

2012-02-08T15:04:00.000-08:00

my book, now on Amazon!

My labor of love, labor of labor, of intellect and heart and rendering something good and useful from years of living as an "other" within the community of my formative faith.

Out of the Attic: Leveraging Women's Experience of Otherness in the Evangelical Christian Church

This is my masters synthesis, now available as a self-published book on Amazon. I even have an Author's page!

radiant goddess check in

2012-02-05T17:38:00.000-08:00

In last Sunday's post I wrote about returning to my version of the Radiant Goddess course. It's been a good experience so far and I'm eager to continue it this week (it's intended to be a 3-week course). Here's a little bit about how the program is progressing for me:

Meditation:
This is an area that was weak for me last week and that I am recommitting to as a priority. When I was a bus commuter, it was easy to settle in for a guided meditation or a listening meditation while making the trip to the office. But now that I have a driving commute, I need to set aside time for this to happen. This week I'll trying listening to a meditation when I first wake up, before I'm out of bed.

Yoga:
I missed 2 out of 7 days last week. On one day I substituted a couple long walks. On the other I was simply stuck at the office and didn't exercise that day. I'm pleased with my commitment to doing yoga on this program. This week I'm working with a more challenging routine.

Food:
I'm on a good beginning. I only strayed from my food plan a couple of times. Once, when I got stuck at work and didn't have enough healthy food packed, plus I was stressed out, and then yielded to chips and candy. The other time was at the potluck following ritual. I had a taste of everything - and it was all good!

Prioritizing:
Choosing 3 most important tasks for each day helps me to clear my mind and focus. I would like to develop this practice into a consistent habit for myself. But meditation is a more immediate and challenging goal right now than this type of prioritizing. This may take a more central focus in week three.

Affirmation:
The primary affirmation I am using is "lighter & brighter." I try to return to that when I'm making choices throughout the day, for example about my attitude or food.

Grounding:
I didn't highlight this in last Sunday's post but it is intended to be part of the course. In the past year I've learned several grounding techniques that work well for bringing me back into awareness of my body and for remaining attentive, clear, and respectful of myself and others. Similar to meditation, it's difficult for me to schedule time to practice grounding and was very inconsistent about it last week. I mainly know how to practice it in the moment when I'm starting to feel stress. I'm not sure where it fits in my day, as a part of general healthiness. Maybe in the evenings before bed.

So for this week I'm continuing with good food and regular yoga and I'm being attentive to consistent daily meditation. I'll also continue with the prioritizing and grounding, but am less concerned about how regularly I hold to them right now.

I feel good. I feel like this program clearly identifies aspects of daily life that support me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It brings them all together in a do-able way. When I'm in the mindset of doing this program, I find I complete more of the things that are important to me.

Imbolc ritual

2012-02-05T10:26:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Imbolc Friday night with a beautiful ritual among kind friends. The ritual impressed upon me additional elements of the holiday that hadn't stood out to me before. Imbolc is Brigid's day, goddess of hearth, home, healing waters, light, inspiration, poetry, and even smithing. She's a triple goddess and with her sisters shares these skills and gifts. We honored Brigid with candlelight, poetry, blessed water, and new spring plants.

I'm not usually very attached to or inspired by particular gods and goddesses. They tend to feel flimsy to me; spent inventions belonging to another people and another time. But the character of Brigid reached me last night both as an icon imbued with things that are important to me and as a messenger bearing news about something about which I am very vulnerable and unsure. Brigid told me that I am a writer. She would know... as a goddess of inspiration, poetry, and intellect. The message came with clarity and courage in my heart to keep putting words together about what I feel, know, and experience.

Brigid's message carried another insight too. She convinced me of the significance and power of knowing your gods and goddesses. I still don't perceive supernatural entities hanging out in the ether guiding, protecting, or judging us. I don't experience divine presence that way (if at all). But I do recognize the utility and power of recognizing and committing to strong characters holding and exemplifying our highest values. They provide models, guides, examples, good company as we navigate change and confusion, celebrate our arrivals into new good places in our lives, and generally strive to live well with each other.

For years now I've played with the metaphor of the madwoman in the attic, where God is the madwoman. Inherent to that metaphor has been my own struggle to perceive a divine feminine. An aspect of the madwoman has been the male God in women's clothing. I couldn't shake the masculine deity of my formative faith. But through the icon of Brigid, within the ritual's meditation, I recognized and felt the madwoman as her own distinct feminine sacred self. And with the new beginnings of Imbolc, I committed this year to knowing her character and committed my writing to her. What does this mean? I'm still translating the feelings of that night into meaning and action, but it's something about mercy, creativity, release rather than rules, love rather than laws, sharing my struggle, celebrating each tiny success, and knowing the sacred and holy in the good company of other people.

Mr. Mischief

2012-02-04T19:33:00.000-08:00

busted!

IEP meeting

2012-02-04T18:57:00.000-08:00

We had the meeting for Little N's second Individualized Education Program (IEP) this week. We met with his teachers, an aide, and the school's Occupational Therapist and Speech Therapist. I was nervous, anticipating judgment, like they would tell us that we weren't doing good enough with North. L was excited and looking forward to it, like they would tell us how great Little N is doing. (We certainly think that he's great!)

These can be delicate meetings. Parents see and know a child differently than teachers and therapists do. For example, parents might want a child mainstreamed in a classroom with typically developing children and the school may plan to place the child in a special education class. There's a lot of opportunity for strong emotions, conflict, and difficult conversations. The bottom line for most parents working with an IEP is to not sign anything that they don't wholeheartedly agree with.

We've been very fortunate with both of our IEPs. When we look at Little N's school skills we're all seeing the same strengths and challenges. The IEP and discussing it with the team, gave us some new things to work on at home. Some things are easier to practice than others. Counting, coloring, and coloring with scissors are concrete activities that we can include in our play. Social skills and teaching Little N how to manage his anxiety around groups of active, unpredictable children may be more a matter of time and gentle exposure or opportunities. Similarly when we think about softening his fixation on particular routines to cultivate greater flexibility and a more adaptive person.

Overall, I am pleased, impressed, and so grateful for Little N's team at the school. They see, care about, respect, and enjoy him. I trust their advice and I'm glad to have clear recommendations for what we're all working on with him in preparation for his next steps in learning and playing.

Turns out, I didn't have anything to be nervous about.

Imbolc

2012-01-29T15:25:00.000-08:00

Imbolc is a holiday recognizing Spring and the return of light and growth to the land. It's celebrated in the Northern Hemisphere on February 1st or 2nd. Back in the day it was a holiday about pregnant ewes and newborn lambs. Contemporary celebrations hold that same rejoicing and relief in spring but urban types are less about livestock and more about growth and change in our lives.

One of the first things I learned about the contemporary form of this holiday was that it calls us to remember our resolutions for the year and really dig into them. Along with this was an invitation to a diet of early greens and other vitalizing foods.

This year, in honor of Imbolc, I'm returning to my adaptation of Goddess Leonie's Radiant Goddess course. The average day incorporates: meditation, yoga, a commitment to 3 priority tasks for the day, an affirmation, and a healthy food plan. (The original program is vegan/raw but that's too intense for me right now.) The program is not about how much weight one can lose in 21 days. It's a complete set of activties that support lighter and brighter living. For me, that means helping me to eat healthfully and mindfully as well as reinforcing my yoga practice, and generally fostering a positive disposition.

In the last week I've said good-bye to the cookies, pizza, margaritas & nachos and my long list of guilty pleasures. I've composed a handy list of non-food, encouraging treats, like a hot bath or a mommy-date with a girlfriend, or just a new magazine. I gave L a grocery list for healthy meals and snacks. I'm even stepping up my yoga practice to a more intense routine, starting today, and I'm feeling it!

This year Imbolc for me is about recognizing the next steps out of my long depression and into the light of self-care and vitality. I wonder if the depression will ever really go away and be healed. But I'm grateful for these holidays that call me back to myself, call me back to the life I want to be living, and call me back to the best parts of being human in this particular place and time. I so easily slide away from all these things. It's good for me to have a calendar of special days, and group of people to with whom to note them, to call me out of the dark creases of my own mind and into the engagement, work, and gifts of living.

light & life in our kitchen window

saturday road trip

2012-01-28T19:36:00.000-08:00

We got out of the city for the day with our new-to-us car.

approaching the pass over the mountains

it's still winter out here

army convoys on the road all day

wind farm on the other side of the pass

at the columbia river with Little N (& looking like a cone head!)

columbia river

columbia river from the dashboard

bridge back over the river

finally sleepy

home again

lentil loader

2012-01-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

We've been enjoying a lot of sensory play these days!

Our friend and babysitter Miss A introduced red lentils into our repertoire.

We find them to be especially good served with rice.

mama moment

2012-01-27T14:42:00.001-08:00

Today's treat was a long soak in the tub and then overhearing Little N exclaiming ("wow! that's amazing!") and giggling at the edutainment dvd he was watching.

birthday boy!

2012-01-26T07:30:00.000-08:00

Little N turned 4 yesterday!!!

He loved blowing out the candles, so we did it a few times.

And he learned to sing Happy Birthday at school, so we did that a few times too.

His favorite present so far? His new guitar! Just like Daddy's.

redefining Autism?

2012-01-22T20:48:00.000-08:00

My husband wanted me to read this article New Definition of Autism Will Exclude Many, Study Suggests. Little N meets the criteria for a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), although maybe he’s not a severe as many of the experiences that we hear in the media and read on blogs and in books. So the article has me concerned about the future of what we recognize as ASD and the practical implications that the proposed changes will have on my son’s life and the lives of children like him.

In one of Little N’s earliest evaluations I asked the therapist for a distinction between cultural norms and pathology. What makes Little N “on the spectrum” in some clinical, pathological way rather than a kid being raised by parents who are a little outside the norm? (For example, we didn’t have a car but one of the evaluation examples referred to the parts of a car, so of course N missed it.) The answer was that the line is crossed into pathology when the child’s differences impeded their ability to grow, learn, engage with peers, participate at school, etc.

I agreed to that definition and the diagnosis that followed largely because it’s actionable. It set us up to get the early intervention program, developmental preschool, in-school supports, and insurance assistance for therapy that Little N needs to be able to manage the challenges that Autism presents.

But like I said, I still wonder about the issue of severity. Some folks tell me that they can’t tell he has Autism at all, and I’m not sure how to interpret that. I do know that Little N is a very different child at home (lots of eye contact, chatter, and independent mischief) than he is at school (withdrawn, clinging to adults, needs support to choose activities). All this leads me to see Little N in a grey area of the Autism Spectrum where the scattershot of his challenges land him just enough inside the line to render a diagnosis.

So to me, changing the definition of Autism is a source of anxiety. Will Little N be redefined off of the spectrum, putting more distance between him (us) and the tools for his success? That’s what seems to make the positive difference for folks on the Autism Spectrum. Tools. Supports. Programs. Folks on the spectrum manifest a broad range of skills and abilities that needs some distinct tools to engage with neuro-typical folks. This might be as simple as speech therapy and therapeutic playgroups or as intricate as highly specialized speech software for a particular design of computer.

The article doesn’t clarify why they might change the definition of Autism. And it seems that there’s disagreement about how many people the changes would really affect. So maybe it’s too soon to get upset? Or maybe it’s exactly the right time to say a few things that are important to me:

My child is different in such ways as place him on the Autism Spectrum.
Recognizing that, as his parents, his doctor, his teachers, means that he can get the tools and support that he needs to engage with others, learn academics, eat, play etc.
The current definition of Autism facilitated that recognition and access to services.
The current definition of Autism provided this for my son and for millions of other children.
The diagnosis of ASD and the supports it can point to, helps us to see our children more clearly, know them, experience life with them, and equip them to experience life on their own.

I understand that the high number of children being diagnosed with Autism (cited at 1 in 150 and even 1 in 100) has raised concern and questions. Is it a new epidemic? Is it the result of a too vague definition? Has it always been this way, and unrecognized? But these are human beings, children and families, classrooms, and communities that we’re talking about. Not research’s numbers and abstractions. We’re talking about real people and the challenges that they (we) really wrangle with every day.

We need more time to understand the Autism Spectrum before we can change how we define it. Maybe there’s another approach to take. Rather than tightening the definition to reduce the number of cases, we might define categories of criteria and severity along the spectrum as well as the tools and therapies that best support them. Maybe we share stories of life on the spectrum and become more familiar with neuro-diversity. Those are two thoughts off the top of my head. I’m sure folks more embedded in the issues can come up with lots more than that.

But now my thoughts are spiraling out of control away from me. Redefining Autism strikes me as a bold example of socially defining reality – in this case by a group of experts to then be rolled out to families like mine. My thoughts surf other examples of socially defined reality: race, gender, sexuality, religion…etc. Not to mention the struggles we’re born into as part of these definitions: typical and atypical, majority and minority, privileged and underserved…etc. Autism and neuro-diversity fits in here too.

I don’t have a tidy conclusion. This is a big issue that I don’t feel like I have any say in. I hate that feeling. I’m grateful for what Little N’s diagnosis has made possible for him. I’m concerned and curious as to where the definition of Autism will go and how Autism families can participate in that discussion. Where can my voice, and my family's experience, be heard and counted?

snow Buddha

2012-01-18T15:31:00.000-08:00

snowy flags

2012-01-18T08:10:00.000-08:00

snow day morning

2012-01-18T07:27:00.000-08:00

tasting gum!

2012-01-17T16:29:00.000-08:00

I have one

Little N brought me the pack of gum and asked for a piece. I took out one for him and one for me. He ran off with his to lick it, then ran back to me to smell the chewed piece in my mouth. "ooooh! I smelled it!" He didn't actually chew his and before very long brought it to me. But it all counts as interest in food and getting comfortable with it.

oooh, wow!

weirdo (me)

2012-01-17T08:22:00.000-08:00

My husband explained to me this morning that I'm a weirdo. I was fair game since I say similar things to him more frequently than would be considered nice. (He describes himself as, "the hard stuff is easy and the easy stuff is hard." I describe that as weird - and so frustrating!)

We were chatting about the fabulous job at the fabulous company that I quit after three months this summer because it was not a fabulous fit for me. The CEO there told me that he thought I was a star. So why didn't it feel like a good fit? Why didn't I feel like a star? Where the heck is my good fit?

L described me as really strong in some areas and really weak in other areas that are not normal. As in, "weirdly shy and apprehensive about normal things, like driving." And it all adds up to a… quirky? person who doesn't exactly fit in. A weirdo.

From L's point of view, where he's seen me shine has been in particular pieces of writing I've done in the last several years. That's your strength, he told me. That's what you should be doing.

It would seem that the only thing left, is to do it.

not our best day

2012-01-16T15:38:00.000-08:00

We were off to a good start. A light dusting of snow. A day off from school for Little N. Me, slowly making progress against this cold that has knocked me out. I went to work. Later L brought Little N to the office as well and kiddo ran around very happily and managed to not disturb anyone very much. But upon arriving home after this busy happy morning we discovered that I'd forgotten a new favorite toy at the office.

The tantrum that ensued was like nothing I'd ever seen. Little N spat and kicked and banged his head... I tried holding him. Talking to him soothingly. Carrying him to a more open room for less risk of injury. Playing music he loves. But nothing worked.

Somewhere in there I thought, 'Maybe he's hungry?' and started making his lunch. That's when he decided to make me a cup of coffee. Odd, but ok. And things started to shift. He snacked on his lunch. We called L and so Little N got to hear Daddy promise to bring the toy home tonight.

I told Little N that I was going to do some yoga. Would he prefer I do it in the living room, near him, or back in the bedroom. He chose the living room. And maybe it was just what he needed. Because while I got some of this:

He ran to his room for a little of this:

Here's hoping we both got enough of what we need for a happier, calmer, afternoon. (Although, now I probably need to drink that cup of coffee.)

snow

2012-01-15T15:03:00.000-08:00

good morning Seattle

2012-01-12T07:54:00.000-08:00

HAES check-in

2012-01-07T09:44:00.000-08:00

I... am pleasantly plump. It's true. I took a photo of myself (not just my gorgeous green toes) and decided that no, I actually couldn't post it here because, yes, I am that plump and no, I am not that comfortable with looking like that. Although, I feel ok, and I just got some fun, groovy skirts at the Goodwill that I really enjoy wearing, so that's ok too. Maybe the photo posting confidence will develop next week.

this little piggy...

All that to say, not-dieting is turning out to be more challenging than I anticipated. I'm still measuring myself against some standard of what I ought to look like. I don't look like that.

I'm staying active. I've managed yoga or walking every day. My muscles are waking up, slowly and achingly. My body seems to remember the yoga routines and I move along through the postures even though it requires more effort (and sweat!) than it used to. I look forward to yoga. I feel good!

But eating... eating is the big challenge right now. It's like after all this time (years, really) of some foods being good (green leafys) and some foods being bad (hello bread, pasta, cookies, rice) I'm in a self-serving indulgence phase. Maybe it's already starting to wear off. Last night, salad tasted good alongside a salmon burger and slices of roasted yam. Delicious. Nutritious. Felt good. And the cookies, throughout the day (egads!) were tasty but not entirely satisfying.

I read a magazine article recently where the woman's doctor suggested that maybe she was indulging her sweet tooth because she lacked pleasure in other areas of her life. That makes sense for me. Wrangling with depression, the particular challenges of motherhood, a job that's just a job, maintaining a tight family budget... all these things make finding pleasure, and then accepting it, difficult for me.

So let's add to my resolution of making peace with my shape and size - to also find and immerse myself in pleasure.

One of my little pleasures is painting my toes. Something about colorful nails shining up at me from the yoga mat welcomes me back to my practice and makes me smile. Yoga itself is a challenge and a pleasure. What else gives me pleasure? What comfort, delight, satisfaction, fun!, can I reach for in the course of a day or a week of regular life challenges? What do I want to look forward to, near and far? What satisfies me in a way that cookies simply don't?

It's a common set of questions, especially for moms, I think, and important to be noticing as we work through the good days and the bad days.

first light

2012-01-07T08:27:00.000-08:00

slowly and surely the light is stretching into our morning's a little earlier

and holding onto our afternoon's a little later.

I am so happy to notice this!

7:37 am

foodie

2012-01-07T08:24:00.000-08:00

One of our first indications that Little N needed some extra help developed out of his relationship with food. Around 2 years old, he started refusing things that he used to eat. Strawberries, chopped chicken, raviolis... The list went on until we were down to 3 foods: yogurt, applesauce, and pasta with green bean baby food. It was over a year before we were able to add bread and that's where we've pretty much stuck.


Little N's regular meal

We've added multivitamin drops to his applesauce. He drinks whole milk all day long. And the pasta is a special brand made with lentils and other good stuff. He's growing fine, even has a little belly, and folks regularly comment on how big he is for his age. In fact, if we hadn't brought it up, his pediatrician would have never suspected any issues. He hits all the right marks for his growth and health. Even better - the kid doesn't get sick!

"this is for N" he informs me

Still, you can't live on yogurt and baby food forever. So we keep placing new items in front of him to invite and encourage him out of this food jag. In recent months we're enjoying his curiosity about food. He likes to taste salad dressing, salsa, apple slices, pizza sauce, and the new favorite ~ the foam on mommy's soy chai latte!

mmm mmm good!

It makes for a sweet little outing. We walk over to the grocery store and pick out a couple yogurts for him first. Then it's on to the coffee shop for chai. Even before we're seated he starts asking me to "open please" and as I place heaping fluffy scoops of foam into the lid he's right there with "more please!" It started as one little index finger dipped cautiously into my cup. Now he's shoveling in loads of the stuff! And peering into my cup for more and even sips of the chai!

I understand, tasting mommy's chai isn't going to solve our food issues. But! I whole-heartedly take it as encouragement that he's interested in new foods, he's finding the flavors that he likes, and food is part of positive, fun experiences with mommy (& daddy).

It's a long, baby-stepping, painstaking process - to get a kid to eat. You can't force it or food becomes a power struggle. I want him to have control of what he eats and to feel comfortable with food. I want him to understand when he's hungry and full, and what is healthy and yummy. When I think of it, I try to log what he's doing with food - touching, smelling, tasting, helping to prepare, pretending to cook - and so far the evidence just says he's curious, he's becoming more comfortable in little bitty steps forward. So I exhale, a little bit, and try to trust that he'll get to a place of eating more flavors and textures in his own good time.

home gym

2012-01-03T08:37:00.000-08:00

This went on, around and around and around for a good hour last night. He fell asleep before I even finished all of our usual bedtime stories.

HAES (health at every size)

2012-01-02T09:22:00.000-08:00

I've been lurking on HAES blogs for the last couple of years. Simultaneously, I've been committing and recommitting to weight loss goals. The two focuses don't really fit together. I think something in me is done with fighting my body and arbitrary restrictions of dieting.

full-figured yoga

I finally read a couple of the primary HAES resources: Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon and Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby. Bacon's book is very informative but kind of dull and clinical. Harding & Kirby write with a lot of personality and they include lived experience that helps the reader to envision and embody HAES principles at the size she is today.

something to move in

I've finally acknowledged that weight loss requires vigilance. It demands persistent attention to restricting carbs, counting calories in and out, wrestling with dieting fatigue and the inevitable rebounding numbers on the scale.

Now imagine redirecting all that into my yoga practice instead. I won't likely reach an ideal number for my height and bone structure... but maybe I'll cultivate some physical and personal strength, comfort, and peace.


fit, flexible and focused

So I'm starting 2012 with the intention of making some peace with the weight & shape I am.

I'm trying to accept this weight range that I live in. I'm paying more attention to feelings of hunger and fullness. I'm eating delicious, nutritious foods and even some treats. I'm making time for the activity I really enjoy and appreciate, yoga, regardless of the effect it will or won't have on my weight. I'm dressing in clothes and colors I love. I'm nixing my own dieting talk and hope to share a little love of today's body with family and friends who've shared the same struggle.

last day of winter break

2012-01-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

the sun finally rises (one little boy has been up for hours)

Finding Nemo

feeling better

2011-12-15T15:06:00.000-08:00

When I was 8 years old we went on a family vacation to the Grand Canyon. For the first day I walked around with my parents and my brother and sister looking at rocks. Everyone else "ooohed" and "ahhhhed." I didn't get it. On a hunch, my mom handed me her glasses to wear. I put them on and suddenly there was definition, distinction, depth, crispness, gradation, meaning, engagement, and feeling. The world around me came into focus and it meant something to me.

That's what antidepressants, vitamin D, and a happy light do for my mind and emotions.

mommy's light

The difference is significant, especially for my relationship with Little N. Instead of sitting on the couch or along the wall at the park carrying myself gently as if I have the flu, now I'm down on the floor with him. Playing with him. Proposing things to do. Wrestling. Tossing a ball or pillows or bean bags. Bringing out the puzzles and games. Keeping Little N engaged, active, and learning requires some participation from me. Now I have the tools to be the mom I want to be, all year round.

peekaboo!

jumping on the bed

But it's not all or only about Little N. The deficits of depression impact all aspects of my life - my marriage, physical health, conversations, job, interests, memory, even the way my body feels. It's the difference between going out for a family adventure or staying in, day after day. It's coming up with some seasonal traditions to celebrate and enjoy with Little N, or letting the day tick by, mundane. It means doing yoga or reading or sending holiday cards or making a playdate... or any of the things that make anyone's life connected to other people, interesting, positive, healthy, productive, good company, fulfilling, and worth the resources and relationships that make us alive human beings with good days and bad days and lots in between.

so intense

we're waiting for Christmas

2011-12-14T16:22:00.000-08:00

This is the first year that Little N has been excited about Christmas. He loves the lights (like me!) and he knows that he'll be receiving new toys on Christmas. Any place that we go that has lights up or a Christmas tree Little N will announce, "They're getting ready for Christmas!" At home he says, "We're waiting for Christmas. She's coming home. She's coming to our house."

the tree!

The tree is up and decorated with little lights and glittered construction paper stars. Little N likes the lights to be turned on all the time, and considering how dark these days are it's easy to oblige him. Each night we open another window in our advent calendar, counting down the days until the Christmas tractor, Little N's most desired toy, will appear under the tree.

checking out the neighbors' lights

We're still figuring out our holidays and traditions as a family. This year Christmas is just about the tree and lights, toys and family. Little N hasn't learned about Santa Claus or Baby Jesus yet. Frankly, we haven't decided what we'll teach him. But he's noticed the darkness, though it doesn't phase him like it does me. We'll be riding a bus in the late afternoon and he'll declare, "It's nighttime!" The other passengers chuckle and then we trudge along through the streetlights to our own glimmering home.

climbing up for a better view

Years ago I saw a planetarium show of the winter sky. The program wove together this dark time of year with the different customs that have developed around it. I'd love to find something similar to share with Little N and start teaching him to make sense of this season and all it's come to mean to people.

on Wednesday in Seattle

2011-12-08T06:44:00.000-08:00

a little color on an otherwise grey winter day

and the moon from our kitchen window

Sunday night

2011-12-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

Struck by a rare burst of energy, I scoured the apartment for toys that Little N doesn't play with anymore. I packed them all up, along with his toddler chair and his red tricycle, and L carted it all away to the Goodwill. Everything is still in great shape, so I'm optimistic that they will find new homes with other little children this holiday season.

um, yeah, he rode with it all that way.

Little N was a very big boy about all this. He said good-bye to his chair and good-bye to the tricycle. L and I were a little nervous about these two items. They've been special to Little N for a long as he can remember. So we tried to make it a special evening celebrating what a big boy thing he'd done letting these prize possessions go away. I baked up his favorite style of pizza - plenty of sauce - and L brought home some new toys in "trade" for what had been relinquished.

Kiddo is pretty happy with the exchange.

And while he plays with his new prize, I'm scribbling away on holiday cards. Last year I discovered my favorite cards to receive are the ones with photos of the folks sending them. So that's what we did this year. If I have your address - start watching your mail for our smiling faces!

This year, wading through this heavy mood and a heightened sense of the darkness, I'm especially grateful for the holidays that mark this season. I feel, somehow, un-civilized, un-cultured, by the weight the darkness has laid on me, as if some primal hunger for light is just howling inside of me. I have such sympathy for those people, individuals and communities, who wrestled with making sense of these days. I'm grateful for all the little lights and all the different reasons we've reached for lighting them.

this is what progress looks like: belonging together

2011-11-30T18:18:00.000-08:00

The day after Thanksgiving was sunny so we made a family trip to the zoo. Little N was treated to a stuffed animal baby penguin whom he named Tiger. A few nights later, as I put him to bed, he shared some connections he was making.

The doggie stays with his person.

Yes.

The goose stays with doggie

Yes (this is from a Kipper episode)

Where is penguin's family?

Ummm...

Last night Daddy came home with Tiger's parents:

Tiger's parents sharing a kiss

A happy reunion for everyone.

Granted, another concept he gained from a video rather than life, but I think it shows that he's making a connection about belonging. Some things, animals, people, group together. And I like the way he's taken a couple familiar connections and extrapolated out to address the issue for a new entity in his world. Plus, it was just so cute to see Mommy and Daddy Penguin kiss as soon as they got home.

this is what progress looks like: master of the microwave

2011-11-30T18:05:00.000-08:00

Little N's chosen chore is to manage our microwave. He opens & closes it, touches cold food, enters the time, alerts us to steam, smells hot food... This mastery has extended to his play kitchen where we recently cooked macaroni in the dishwasher:

and a hot turkey in a Diego bowl in a pizza oven:

They were delicious.

held gingerly and with light

2011-11-30T17:44:00.000-08:00

The cover of clouds came down on Seattle. It took out the light and it took me out with it. My therapist is calling it seasonal depression. She's nudging me to call the psychiatrist to get my meds updated for these dark months.

I've already added a happy light and a multivitamin (for the Vitamin D). Yoga helps. Being near Little N helps; the cold weather has a vitalizing affect on him! Going slowly helps me. Treating my body gently, like I have the flu. Simple easy comforts like Christmas lights and hot soup. Lists, so that I know what to do when I don't know what to do. All these little things help.

I carry myself, my mind, body, and emotions, so gingerly right now. I'm a cup filled to the brim with sadness and one more drop, one startling piece of news, someone else's grief or my own mere disappointment, it will spill over and make a mess. I am a tender baby bird, desperate for the nurturing and nutrients of the nest, held in clumsy hands. I'm one distraction away from a trip down the rabbit hole. My metaphors are mixed but my meaning is clear.

I love this photo from a couple years ago. Turning toward the winterlights. Every place you find them.

weekending

2011-11-20T18:52:00.000-08:00

my education as Autism Mom

2011-11-13T18:42:00.000-08:00

It's been about a year since Little N received a formal diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder and it's taken me almost that entire year to understand and accept the diagnosis - and start to grasp what it means for Little N's future and for our family. I compiled a reading list fairly early on but have been slow in actually reading the books. Slower still to let their contents mull and make connections in my mind.

My current book is Unstrange Minds. I'm halfway through chapter 4 and so far, these three thoughts are staying with me:

1) Little N has straight-up, 100%, classic Autism. Not Autism-lite. Not a wrong diagnosis such that he really is a typical kid after all. It's Autism.

Here are some excerpts from the text that confirm this for me:

"None of them could consistently use pronouns correctly. A child might ask for milk by saying, 'Do you want milk?' because that is exactly what he heard his mother say." p. 48

That's exactly how Little N communicates his needs.

"They hated changes in routine, in the arrangement of furniture, or even the path taken from one place to another. Many would eat only a small number of foods, refusing to try new foods or even to accept the same foods prepared in different ways. There were also sensory problems. Most of the children were highly sensitive to particular noises, such as running water or the sound of a toilet flushing." p. 49

Again, this is Little N.

"... the core features of autism - a triad of impairments in social interaction, communication, and imagination (with repetitive interests and activities)...." p. 61

Little N, short and sweet.

2) We are so lucky and fortunate to have this diagnosis today rather than any other time in history. If Little N was growing up 60 years ago he'd be facing a diagnosis of schizophrenia and institutionalization. As recently as 20 years ago the school system wouldn't have known what to label him or how to help him. The prevailing assumption was mental retardation.

Today the school system is where Little N is receiving special preparation in a developmental preschool for his future academic study. He also receives speech and occupational therapy as well as support developing social skills. Additionally, the school system provides a special program for children with Autism, which Little N attends twice a week in a class with just 3 other children working with 1 teacher and 2 aides.

When we received the diagnosis last fall, I hoped (maybe expected) that there would be someone like a case worker or our pediatrician to hold our hand. I strongly wanted someone to hand us a map with a clear course and connections to resources and support people. But that didn't happen. It's very much a path and resources that you have to locate and identify and meet and participate with all on your own. I'm overwhelmed at times.

When I read about the history of Autism I am amazed and grateful at how much and how quickly things have changed. Right now Little N is getting all his instruction and additional support at the public school 5 blocks from our home. That's amazing and wonderful and such a gift for him and for our family.

3) The book's author, Roy Richard Grinker, waited until his daughter was in middle school before he started writing the book. I don't want to wait. I'm striving for a balance of immediately capturing our lived experience with Autism and presenting a well-considered mull that only time will tell (and later retell a little bit differently again). I want to convey the flux of experiences, new understanding and ideas, the mixed emotions. I want to share the work and the celebrations along the way. I want to assemble some meaning, maybe not conclusions but at least perspective, grown from living as an Autism family.

Plus, I'm a text person. Putting an experience into my own words helps me to acknowledge what is happening and to make sense of it. Writing with the knowledge that folks are reading adds another layer of accountability for me. It's an additional push to keep me in motion taking the next steps for Little N and for our family; taking the next steps that deepen and broaden my own understanding of Autism.

As my understanding develops, writing is also a way to share with others, both folks that care about Little N and folks navigating their own experience with Autism, what it can be like and maybe provide some resonance, some company for the journey. Ultimately, I hope that our story will be positive and resourceful and support others in doing the same. And loving! - because our little family does have so much love.

this is what progress looks like: pretending

2011-11-12T14:45:00.000-08:00

A few months ago my grandmother sent us some vhs tapes for Little N to watch. His current favorite is Kipper the Dog, which Little N calls simply "doggies" as in, "Mommy, do you want to watch Doggies?"

Kipper the Dog

In one episode Kipper has a series of adventures with an umbrella. This made quite an impression on Little N.

flying up high like Kipper

boating down the river like Kipper

This is so exciting to see! Kids with Autism are generally very concrete and literal. Imagination and pretend play don't flow so readily for them as compared to what we expect of typically developing children. So while Little N's play with the umbrella is a direct line back to what he watched on Kipper, I think it still counts as pretend. He took his own umbrella and his own environment and made it an experience of the blustery wind and gentle river that he'd seen on Kipper. And his delight! He was flying! He was boating! He was like Kipper! And he loved every minute of it.

Me too!

watch Kipper on youtube: http://youtu.be/W1wORYjzMEs

Samhain's gift of Joy!

2011-11-03T08:18:00.000-07:00

Sunday evening's Samhain ritual included a guided meditation through an experience of death and rebirth. In the meditation we recalled the great loves and delights of our lives as well as our offenses and mistakes. We were led to know them and then release them. The words are flat on the page here but within ritual the experience was vivid and visceral.

When the meditation ended I had a clear directive, Go forth in Joy! Four days later and the message remains.

My current program of reinvention stems from an uncomfortable convergence of two opposing (yet equally crummy) beliefs about myself. One, I am too old, my life and my choices have already expired before I reached for them. Two, I am too young, lacking the experience and authority to speak and to act with confidence. But these are arbitrary judgments based in - fear? desire? (a list of things too long for a blog post?).

When we laid down our memories in the meditation we also released what they meant to us. We released the praise and the criticism. All the judgements disintegrated. Nothing remained. Then we were invited to begin anew. Go forth in Joy!

Maybe my best years are before me. Years of marriage and mothering, of writing, friendship, spirit and confidence. Maybe those years are already within me and all around me in this very moment, right now. I enter these bright new years and they find their expression in me when I go forth in Joy!

reinvention: role model

2011-11-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

approaching Samhain

2011-10-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

Samhain (Halloween) the witches' new year is this weekend. At this time we remember and honor our beloved dead. Pagans say that the veil between the living and the dead is thinner now than any other time of the year. I don't know whether that is true or not and I'm not concerned. I don't need to be sure that it really exists to be able to experience what it means, the same way that I'm not sure if my father's presence still exists, but I feel it anyway.

I'm grateful for this time to pause and remember my father. It's one of a few times of the year that I intentionally hold some time for that. In my family, grieving is frowned upon, discouraged. "Dad is in Heaven with Jesus" is the common refrain. Presumably that's supposed to be enough, but it isn't. Celebrating Samhain with my pagan friends offers me something special, even without believing or experiencing everything that is taught about this holiday. That's a marked difference from the Christian faith of my youth.

Christianity is a religion of divine laws ordering everything from gravity to gender roles to how far is too far to death and grief. I'm long burnt out on all of it. I'm certain that my family wants me, their loved one, to be welcomed into the Kingdom of Heaven and to be Right with the Judge and to know the Comforter in this life. And it's unfortunately inevitable that they will have to leave me outside of Paradise, judged unfit, if I don't accept and participate in this invitation to believe, to subscribe to and abide by the religion's ordering of life. But I don't perceive or experience my life according to all those rules.

Today I am a lot more interested in experience, meaning, and relationships than I am in being right or righteous. I experience the material and relational. For example my body, the cinch and pull of my hips as I walk to the bus in the morning rain, the softness of the yoga mat under my fingertips, the weight and warmth of my son riding on my back. I find that I can still have a full, meaningful experience, and rich connections with people, even when I don't subscribe to all of the creeds of the particular spiritual path.

This may be one of the gifts of finding (choosing? accepting?) a spiritual path as an adult rather than a younger person. Lived experience has shown me what is important to me, what makes the world and my place in it make sense. I'm recognizing what methods of meaning-making convey meaning to me.   The personal authority wrought of living grants me permission to accept and attempt the pieces that ring true and resonate with me. And I'm free to release and essentially reject the rest.

The judgey "should" voice in the back of my head is not ok with this. That voice says that I'm being selfish, self-centered, composing a buffet line spirituality that serves me, reflects me, reinforces me as is. And while that's possible, it doesn't have to be true. (Besides, I suspect that it's limiting and reinforcing me "as is" to host a voice in my head that always sees, assumes, and predicts the worst of me.) Rather, through the lens of life experience I'm choosing people and ideas that speak my language - and in that language support opportunities for growth or understanding, and present new challenges in a way that makes sense to me.

This year Samhain comes at a time in my life when I am inching my way through a phase of reinvention. I'm wrangling with understanding Autism, inhabiting more of my time parenting rather than at my job, renewing healthy habits for my body, trying to write, trying to meditate, trying to reconnect with friends, trying to find our Autism community…   The holiday of Samhain is a powerful medium for honoring the ways of being that formed me but that I've set down and welcoming the new life that I am growing into.

So tomorrow evening I will gather with my pagan friends to celebrate Samhain. We will honor our beloved dead with candles, photos and tokens of their lives, sharing their names and what they mean to us. We will welcome new babies born into our communities this year. We will step into a new year through silent meditation and celebration with dancing and food.   Much of it will speak to me and some of it will be extras to me that speak more clearly to someone else. But as a whole the ritual and the gathering of friends will carry me and challenge me at this time in my life, speaking to me in a language that makes sense, that is meaningful, to me.

reinvention

2011-10-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

this is what progress looks like: compassion

2011-10-26T18:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday while Little N and I were roughhousing he noticed a scratch on the side of my face. "Mommy has an ouchie." he told me. Then, "I clean it for you."

He went out to the deck where he knew there was a cloth in a box of toys and bubble stuff. He came back in and gently patted mommy's ouchie. "I'm sorry." he said. And when he was all done, "You're ok!"

Amazing.

next steps as Autism Mom, inching along

2011-10-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

The conversation with Little N's extended day teacher has provided me with a little extra push and perspective in my role as Autism Mom and primary caregiver. Here's what I'm working on right now:

drawing from activities in Out of Sync Child has Fun for our weekly playdate with S as well as keeping me more conscious of how we play during the week
reached out to Little N's regular teacher and her team to learn what areas currently challenge him and so provide a place to start for exploring therapy as well as "homework" we can focus on at home
reaching out to a few moms to set up playdates in addition to our interactions with kids at the park
reaching out for ideas from a couple other Autism Moms
dipping into the Autism blogs
drafting logs for what Little N is tasting and eating, what we are playing and how his behavior develops along those aspects.
designing a visual schedule for our afternoons (including some developmental play) so that Little N knows what to expect and can start to lead us through our time together

I'm of two minds about all this. Part of me, the Mommy-Guilt part, says we should have done all this sooner! Alert! Wrong! Should! Bad! Another part of me says, Little N is doing great. He's happy and growing at his school. He's secure in Mommy and Daddy's new roles and routine. This is good timing for all of us for going a little deeper in understanding Autism. Anything we add now makes his life and our family's life richer. It is good.

I'm listening to the latter but trying to let the former run herself out. Because all those doubts and anxieties are mine. They are reasonable, normal reactions to have and so they get a little time to bubble up and be recognized. But they aren't the truth. The truth is a happy kid, talking more, tasting new foods, tolerating unfamiliar kids in his personal space, testing the limits with mommy and daddy. The truth is a mommy, me, growing into motherhood, growing into her son's special needs, stumbling face to face with adulthood.

These things don't happen immediately, or on any predetermined schedule. It's an arrythmic call and response to what is occurring in our lives and the sense we can actually make of it. There are no obvious guides to chart the course for Little N and our family. With no previous experience to draw on we have to seek out the advisors and actions that are the best fit for us right now.

The constant I return to in all this is Little N himself. Is he learning? Is he demonstrating new understanding? Is he secure with mommy, daddy, and teachers; home and school? Yes. From that foundation we reach into what is new and a little scary for me and for him. Inching along in tiny next steps that stretch what we understand and what we can do.

this is what progress looks like: ice cream!

2011-10-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

This has been a big week for Food Progress. Little N has tasted salsa (ouchie!), tamari-seaweed rice crackers (he licked through 2 of them), touched a granola bar to his mouth, licked the top of a corn muffin, requested and enjoyed ice cream!!

The ice cream was a big surprise. Our best guess is that the muffin looked like a cupcake and cupcake made him think of ice cream. Even though he's never really eaten ice cream before (he used to like little tastes of mine but he gave that up around age 2), he's certainly seen it and seen others enjoy it.

He requested ice cream the other night. We told him, no, we didn't have any. But he kept asking for it. Happy. And asking for it. That's it! We're all going over to the market to buy ice cream! He loved it. He ate it that night, the next day, the next night, the next day… I've really enjoyed watching him really enjoy something that so many kids (and grown ups) really enjoy.

And Little N is the best reason to have ice cream in the house.

more is a lot of things

2011-10-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

Little N started a extended day program for children with Autism. It meets twice a week, so he's now in school five mornings per week plus a couple of hours on Wednesday afternoon. Since he's only 3 1/2, this seems like a lot of time to me.

His extended day teacher approached me at pick-up on Wednesday to ask if Little N is getting any additional therapy. I was totally caught off guard. What made her ask that? Is he losing skills? Upset or misbehaving in class to the distraction of the other kids? She brushed it off like, oh, you just never know who is and who isn't.

The answer is no. But I asked her, does she think he should be getting additional help?

She told me, yes, more is always better.

I kept the smile and gratitude on my face while the questions and self-doubt unraveled my insides. Therapy is expensive. We don't have the right insurance. We don't have money. We don't have a car. He hasn't been in therapy all this time. We thought he was progressing (whatever that means but we thought we were seeing him grow, learn, his speech is progressing, he's acclimating to new people and places)….

I replied that I was totally open to additional therapy and to talking about it further.

I explained Little N is so young, we didn't want to overwhelm him or stress him out. (She said that it would toughen him up.) And I admitted that money is a concern, we're pretty tightly budgeted these days. (She said that there may be ways to get the therapy - and that she'd ask around.)   As we parted she told me, Don't worry about it yet. (Too late, ma'am. I'm queen of the worriers.)

I was still rattled by the conversation when I broached the matter with L that night. He was not shaken. No. More is not always better. Little N is in a terrific program, 5 days a week, and learning something new every week. We have limited resources. More, in this case, may mean less of something else or more of something crummy. Less budget for necessities. More time on long bus rides. Listening to L, more therapy wasn't the default. It wasn't a reason in itself.

At this point, it really is too early to make a decision - but it is a decision. Not a given. Not a failure or flake-out of something I should have been doing. Not a verdict of "You are a Less Than Good Enough Mother." Little N is growing and learning. He is responding. And he is stressed. We need to balance what we can give him with what he can manage. We're the parents of this child and we know him better than someone (kind, educated, good-intentioned) who's worked with him for 4 hours. Like the childcare books and the therapy books repeat, The Baby Is Your Best Teacher.

L and I agreed that there's more that we (I) can do at home. I say that I want to understand Autism, well here's my gilded invitation. Break out the activity and therapy books. Focus our play to reinforce the work he's doing at school by addressing things like tactile senses or writing and coloring or trying new foods.

I know it's not the same as working with a trained therapist. I don't know all the cues or where we should be going or how to get Little N involved in an activity that challenges him. And yet… it is more than school alone. It works. He does respond. And it has some benefits that a therapist wouldn't have. I can build on a skill incrementally. I have more opportunity to keep acclimating him to the challenging stuff - like getting his hands goopy or interacting with unfamiliar children at the park - than an hour appointment with a therapist can do.

This weekend we practiced somersaults on the cushions in the living room and now he can do them on his own. We also did some really messy playing with custard and he gradually tolerated more mess on his hands before getting tense and needing to wash up. And we had fun together doing it.

Autism Mom is part of who I am now. It's a qualifier to my motherhood that says something about how I play with my son, what I read, what I write, how I react to teachers and other parents. It shapes how I inhabit my time and that shapes my identity. It's uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable. Our Autism is showing.

And it's good. Getting hands on, brain on, into Autism is growing me.   It humbles me. It gives me greater context for compassion for my son's good work. I'm earning the title Autism Mom, which is part of being Little N's Mom. A medium for knowing this particular little person and for being a more useful medium for his growing into the world.

self-portrait Sunday: reinvention

2011-10-02T14:11:00.000-07:00

once upon a time I was special

today I am ordinary

In my college years, overwhelmed with all the theories at school, the religion of my family and school, the grief and confusion of my family after my father's death, I cemented myself in the notion that if a given idea didn't work for "ordinary people" then it wasn't worth anything. Over the years, I shucked off much of what made me special, and stripped my life down to an "ordinary person."

In many ways my life today is 100% the life I never wanted. I have a husband and a child, rather than the freedom of singleness. I have financial responsibilities for this family rather than just the risks or security for myself. I work a day job. First as an assistant. Now in sales. I live in a generic, off-white walls, carpeted apartment behind a shopping plaza. I have no socio-political action in my regular routine. I've given up protests, letter writing campaigns, and even volunteering. Writing classes and book binding workshops are a distant memory. I work a job. Tend my family. Sleep. Rise to do it again. My 20-year old self is cringing.

In ways that matter to me today, my life is exactly what I value. I have a partner I can rely on. When postpartum depression stunned me, L was there to show me how to mother, and later to take over as primary caregiver when I went back to work. I love Little N, who is a bright light, teacher, and playmate to me. I live a simple, affordable lifestyle. I share moments of resonance with a few really special people. I am reconnected to family and relatives, something I never anticipated. I have rooted myself in love and time. Time with the folks I love. Something I consider an important part of my father's legacy and a value I hold as my own. But all this sums to an ordinary life.

I miss my own specialness. I miss creating. I miss believing. I miss knowledge and connections and expression. That's why "my time" is so important to me right now. How will I inhabit that time? What will I do with those precious minutes that will resurrect and strengthen my gift, my work? What are the tasks and practice to my achievement?

It's too bittersweet to be rock bottom or a rude awakening. This is simply an awakening. One of those events that we are graced with from time to time in life. That nudge from one route and collection of practices and people into another. Everything in my life up until this point has brought me here and prepared me for what's next. My morning pages sketch a path and now it's my turn, my time, and my effort to do the work.

gratitude Sunday: morning pages

2011-10-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

Jamie Ridler of Jamie Ridler Studios invited her readers to join her in a commitment and a community of morning pages for the month of September. I've tried morning pages before and it stunk. I understood the idea but somewhere in the implementation it turned into one more morning obligation and quickly spun itself out from there. Even so, I wanted to try it again. To see what I would meet on those pages. To get writing again. And this time, I gave myself permission to miss a day or to catch it up in the afternoon as my work schedule and parenting permitted. It worked!

Here's some of what I gleaned from a semi-regular practice of morning pages:

The pages functioned as a mirror, guide, compassionate inquisitor, and giver of good gifts.
They nudged me to take the same boldness, assertiveness, methodical-ism, and un-attached-ness that I'm developing in my job and apply it to my writing.
Reminded me about what I care about, beyond my immediate family. Things like returning to Quaker meeting, reaching out to friends, checking out Venus Hill, book binding, meditation, and painting.
Showed me the circuitous route I took to this place in my life and the choices, the work and investment and reinvention, that still remains.
Exorcised a distracting fantasy about my life and showed me what I want and can do.
Anchored me in myself - boundaries, direction, desires - before the day began with all the pull from others - son, husband, boss, coworkers - for my time, attention, effort, thinking, compassion, and direction.
Presented a number of topics and ideas to dig into, study, write about.

I am grateful and will continue the practice to further flush out and flesh out what these mornings hold.

Adventure Friday

2011-09-30T15:26:00.000-07:00

Kiddo's school schedule was changed and now he's in class until 11:15 on Friday's. I'm still committed to us getting out for an Adventure Friday.

Today we ended up back at the beach. It was a beautiful sunny morning that of course turned to rain, (and later soaking rain) by the time we hiked down to the shore. But Little N was so happy! He insisted on shoes off, socks off, pants rolled up. A snack on the bench. And then chasing birds. Studying the school kids on a raucous field trip. Watching the fire in the big fire bin. "Fire staying there." "Yes, Little N, the fire stays right there." Exploring the grimy barbecue grills in the covered picnic shelter. "Yucky! Not a toy." And he grins.

Too soon we were cold and wet. I was uncomfortable and a little worried about kiddo getting chilled. It was a struggle but I coaxed him back up the hill to the street. We settled in at coffee shop and watched the sun return.

the leaves and the rain agree - autumn is here

gratitude Wednesday

2011-09-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for:

Little N's words, narrating his play, expressing his imagination "I'm a lizard!" stretched out along the back of the couch, using phrases he's heard "It's not a toy," requesting what he wants "I want some supper," directing us, "Look at that! Can you see it? It's big."
snatches of my own time
a chance for more family time, even for a phase
grief, I still grieve, and the love it reveals for the present and future
change (and I hate, dread, resist change) and the murky slow expansion of my comfort zone through new people, routine, tasks, ideas, books, and play
the opportunity to reconnect with folks I enjoy and resonate with

after school

2011-09-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

holding hands on the walk home

the new commute

2011-09-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

is a very early, very quiet commute

a glittering, cheery in its own way, commute

the air right here, at this time, smells like fresh doughnuts

self-portrait Saturday

2011-09-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

out & about

My boss asked me what I'm going to do with the rest of my time, now that I'm working only 20 hours a week. Oh, the sweet obliviousness! As if "the rest of my time" existed.

It does exist, in pockets of chosen and focused efficiency. Maybe 30 minutes in bed with a notebook before the sun considers rising. And later an ear-plugged 90 minutes over the laptop and books while kiddo is not-napping and I'm efficiently ignoring the noise from his room (and the clutter in the apartment).

The weekend's aren't automatically "my time" either. We've only just retrieved family time from the last couple years of adjacent work schedules, my days to L's nights & weekends. It's more communication and more choices than we've had for a while. But we can shuffle it up so that we're not simply sharing company in the same room together, as comfortable as that is. Little N is flexible enough to let Mommy or Daddy go out for a little while without him. Mommy and Daddy can be flexible with each other too.

family time downtown

And so it's not simply a matter of defending "my time" but defending L's time too. He needs room to read, think, and create just like I do. The give and take is a flow of fighting for both of our needs, all of our needs, not just Little N's, not just mine.

I keep wondering, what works for other moms? Other caregivers? Where and how and when do they create, personally or professionally? What do they do or say to the oblivious folks (who maybe also want mom's time for themselves) who ask, "What are you doing with the rest of your time?"

To my boss, the answer is first, the rest of my time is with my son. My time is with diapers, applesauce, park and library trips, ouchies, matchbox cars, "please be careful," "that's not a toy!" and "we're almost there" while lugging a stroller and groceries and a lagging child up to the third floor apartment. My time and my attention are on someone else, who needs it, who deserves it, and whom I love.

Then, the pockets of time that I can carefully, conscientiously, and lovingly carve out, are mine.

adventure Friday, on Wednesday

2011-09-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

We didn't get a proper Adventure Friday this week. And now that we've learned that Little N has been scheduled for the Extended Program at school for Wednesday afternoons and Friday mornings, I'm not sure what Adventure Fridays are going to look like. But for this week, we managed to get in a few non-Friday mini-adventures.

On Wednesday we trekked downtown, through one of Seattle's infamous protests, to meet a high school friend of mine who was in town for work and had the afternoon free. I was a little nervous. Besides not having seen the Lovely S in several years, I had kiddo with me. How was he going to react to a new place? To a new person? To hanging out while Mommy and the Lovely S caught up on everything?

At first, it was crummy. Little N was not keen to meet Mommy's friend. He was eager to get the heck out of the hotel and on a bus for home. But... the Lovely S got us a booth at the hotel restaurant... beside a huge wall of window overlooking... the Freeway!! and a bridge over the Freeway!! and a construction site on the other side of the Freeway!!

Suddenly all of his words and his delight were bursting out of him. "Look at that truck! Right there!" "Look at that tractor." "Look at that street sweeper. It's right there!" He was delighted and the Lovely S was graced with his smiles and good will. She and I chatted there over salads for a couple hours. I'd packed snacks for kiddo and the waiter was kind enough to bring us more milk. Paradise.

We tried adjourning to the Public Library but Little N was done. He used his words! "I'm all done inside." "I want to go outside." "I want to find a bus." Rather than push our luck, I thanked him for using his words and we were on our way.

The Lovely S was duly impressed with kiddo's good behavior and his words. It was such a nice visit for she and I. Thank you Little N. I am so happy for your patience, your contentment, and your words.

back to school (part 2)

2011-09-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

Little N did great!

When I picked him up from school the Miss B had put a little report card of the day in his bookbag. He got his hands dirty with ink! He played on the slide with a little girl named E! He made a handprint owl placemat.

And in an added little note - Miss B let me know that he cried for only 3 or 4 minutes before proceeding with the school day. (Maybe we can get that down even shorter tomorrow.)

Walking home from school, Little N showed me a little green circle with a smiley face on it that he'd found at school. I think maybe it's a sticker that lost its sticky. He held onto it the whole walk home. It was a lovely little walk in the sunshine and breeze. Just kiddo and me holding hands under the blue sky.

It's hours later and kiddo is still keeping track of the little green circle. He picks it up and says, "Bye bye school." "Yeah, bye school," I say, "See you in the morning." (Hmmm, maybe tomorrow will be a little tougher than I was expecting.)

back to school

2011-09-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

I want to capture this day. Little N's first day back to preschool.

We have a perfect fall day in Seattle. Pale blue sky. Bright warming sun. Cool breezes. The wind chimes gently ring the softest little hymn of joy. Airplanes rumble bass overhead and draw our attention upward.

Little N wakes me with an energetic, "Hi!" The room is still dark but he snaps on the overhead light. Then climbs up onto mommy's bed. Coffee appears on the nightstand and my husband exits the room. "Thanks hon."

We have a couple of hours to hang out before it's time to leave for school. Daddy showers and shaves. Little N gets a bath. They both eat while I start in on a second cup of coffee. Kiddo is dressed in an old shirt and a new pair of super soft wide legged dark green pants that I just got for him at the Goodwill this weekend. He looks comfy and I want to snuggle him. But he's moving around.

Finally we all head out the door to school. We walk the 5 blocks hand in hand in hand. Lance and I talk about going back to school and name some of the old friends that Little N can expect to see again. Kiddo is doing great. He looks up at me from time to time, "Hi!"

The crossing guard steps out into the street as we approach the crosswalk. As we pass him I tell N, "say thank you." "Thank you!" he chirps. The man smiles, "You're welcome." Little N echoes softly, "you're welcome."

We walk right up the stairs and into the back door of the school. Miss B lets us into the classroom even though we're a little early. Little N keeps hold of my hand, smiling, and walking round and round in the circle time area. L starts to tell Miss P (occupational therapist) everything he can remember about what Little N has learned over the summer. Little N can count to 10 and sometimes to 20... I chime in that kiddo can ride a bike with training wheels and has learned some more animal walks. (well, she is the OT. this is good stuff!) Miss P invites N to sit at one of the tables. We head back to the play-do table and I open a can of blue play-do. N plays with it while L, ever the proud father, continues to share about soccer lessons and playdates. Little N can blow a horn and play drums and likes jazz...

Looking down the hall, N sees the line of children coming into the building with Miss B and Miss R. "I see X." He tells us. And as the children walk down the hall holding on the rope he says, "Like a train." Miss P notices. "He's talking more!" she says softly, her face conveying the emphasis. The funny way we do when we try to talk about our children in front of them. "I remember last year he would repeat what we said but now he's commenting." L and I are beaming at the significant progress kiddo has made. "Miss K will like this!" (speech therapist)

With the other children in the room and loading their cubbies with jackets and backpacks it's time for us to leave. Little N starts crying. I'm stuck. I want to stay. I want to comfort him. I know I need to leave but his grief is palpable. It feels so real to him and so also to me. Miss R scoops him up and Miss B gently tells me good-bye. L draws me out of the room. I know Little N is ok, but he doesn't know he's ok and if I could just stay there and make him ok... then he won't know he's ok already, without me. And he is.

self-portrait Saturday

2011-09-17T19:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight 's reflective posting has been, well, there's a little boy in my room driving a remote control car across the floor, only after sending a Thomas the train across the bed several times, and asking for help each time Thomas crashed off of the bed and fell between the bed and the wall where little arms cannot reach. The car attempted the same fate but just spun its wheels. Without ceasing. At my feet. And there was some shrieking about how the car was broken. Followed by "Mommy boogers!!" which is not a term of affection but a request for assistance with a very runny cold.

Here's the abbreviated reflection:

Bonding with an infant growing into a child develops over time. An unsteady beginning can still yield a solid loving engaged relationship. Self-mercy. Choice. Attention. Are vitally important for this to transformation and are also strengthened with time. I am so grateful for all of this.

Here's a little more:

They say, "Having a baby changes everything." Yet another cliche that says it all while telling you absolutely nothing. Getting pregnant with Little N eliminated my dreams and wishes, darkened the little budding inklings of vocation twinkling in my eye, evicted me from my body, and comprehensively set the world upside down and froze it there. Some of this I recognized at the time, most of it I didn't understand. These years later I'm finally regaining my center of gravity, my light and dark, my senses. It's a different world and a different me and this little boy is part of all of it. We have a relationship and as much as it complicates my dreams, wishes, vocation...etc. that relationship is real, whole, engaged and engaging, and a rich part of my life. I am so grateful for all of this.

adventure Friday

2011-09-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

In our new schedule, even after Little N resumes preschool next week, we have every Friday off. Just the two of us for a whole day. Time for an adventure!

Today we went to Golden Gardens

gratitude Sunday

2011-09-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

Today I am grateful:

That kiddo did great at yesterday's party. He was running, smiling, and greeted the folks he knew with a boisterous HI!. The little bouncy house frightened him both because of the motor and because of the happy swarm of children bouncing and squealing in and through it. But as the afternoon progressed he got closer and closer to it. Once the other children regrouped around the Birthday Boy D to open presents, then the bouncy house was clear for Little N to really investigate. He slid and bounced on the slide for a little while before finally climbing inside, just once, with a quick anxious call "Mommy!" and then he was back out. But he did it!

For a good strong walk this morning. I'm regaining a sense of my whole body, which is a funny thing to write but it's what I mean. I walked a few days ago and really only felt my pinched sore toes in my sneakers. The next days I walked in sandals and felt relaxed feet and a smoother gait. The next day the good gait continued but it was met with stiffness in my hips and low spine. My hips still troubled me on today's walk but I could feel the good gait all the way up my spine, and reminded myself to relax my shoulders and neck. So within a week this good walk has moved up my body, re-membering me. It feels good!
For a quiet hour or so while L and Little N go to the park and the grocery store.
To be nearing the end of this phase of the transition between jobs and roles.
For a little window of time between jobs to be with Little N, and to prepare my home, my mind, and my time for what's next.
For a book list. For being interested in a few things enough to read about them.
A birthday surprise from Mima that helped move something off of my wishlist and into my life (in 7-10 days, ground shipping...)
L's love and support shown in daily life ways that make a real difference for me. Like this hour of quiet. And like his shift to full time work.

I am grateful for this and more.

self-portrait Saturday & thoughts on being an Autism family

2011-09-10T13:48:00.000-07:00

2 new tomatoes from our balcony garden!

This afternoon Little N is going to his first birthday party. His friend Little D is turning 3. Little N has been staying with Little D and his mom Miss K since L started full time work a couple weeks ago. It's been great for Little N!

Since being with Little D and K, our Little N has started wearing pull-ups and regained his curiosity about the potty. He's eaten a lollipop, lick by lick, over a few days. He's tried licks of whipped cream and hot dog. He's eaten carrot babyfood tucked into his applesauce.

More than any of that, he's built a new set of relationships with Little D and his parents. He trusts Miss K and happily goes on mini-adventures with her and Little D during their days together. He laughs and is excited to see Little D's daddy, B.

So today's party has lots of ingredients that could make it successful for Little N. He knows the house and the key people. But it also holds challenges. Little N really struggles with groups of people, children or adults. Lately we're seeing new behaviors appear when he is stressed. He'll come to me and clutch chunks of my hair. His words evaporate and he reverts to pointing and grunting. He acts out in quiet ways like putting sand on himself or eating it. New odd behaviors that make the stress of socializing apparent - even as they make it harder for him to socialize.

L and I have already chatted about being aware to notice any signs that kiddo is stressed. We'll do what we can to mitigate it. And we're content to leave early and go someplace easier for Little N if necessary.

Being an Autism family means changing our expectations about many of the things that society - in the real life form of friends and family - take for granted and accept with predetermined meanings as positive or negative. For example, a birthday party is happy, positive event, that the kids will enjoy.

Sometimes being an Autism family means simply being different. We might sit with Little N and let him work out his feelings in his own odd behavior for a little while. We might sit in the sand pile and get good & sandy. We might sign with him when his words fall away. And I'm learning that maybe there's room in society, in the real life form of friends and family, for a kid to be different, for our family to be different, and still be invited to the party.

gratitude Monday

2011-09-05T17:52:00.000-07:00

We made our way to the water this morning. One short bus ride and then down steep staircases and dusty paths to the beach. It was bright and cool and beautiful.

Home for lunch and naps for everyone. A trip to the park. Our version of a summer holiday supper- crispy baked chicken wings, corn on the cob, watermelon.

Today it is easy to be grateful

self-portrait Sunday

2011-09-04T21:22:00.000-07:00

family trip to the park

This is our first weekend since L started full-time work. It means we're all home together for the weekends! Family goes to the park. Family bikes to the woods. Family watches preschool edutainment about animals. It also allows for individual-time more easily as well. One parent hangs out with Little N and the other one can do yoga or surf the web or write or nap. The possibilities for family and for self-care are expanding for all of us.

I know that this is normal for so many families but it feels like a big deal, like a luxury, to me. This new schedule is the result of a big changes - choices - that L and I have made and that's got my world upside down. Because in the deepest kernel of my brain I still believe that being a mom means that you don't get to make any more choices for yourself. That everything is a matter of suck it up and endure. That you are bound to only what is safe and popular. At least, that I am bound to those things. So to discover that a conventional job at an up-and-coming company wasn't right for me and then choosing something else feels... selfish, wrong, luxurious, inappropriate. On par with opening a burlesque school or joining a Vanagon caravan of homeschooling new agers. Different.

I understand that that isn't true. I can peruse the evidence on-line and in life and understand that there are many ways to be a good mom. Slowly but surely the lies and half-truths in my mind are getting shaken loose, turned upside down and inside out so something true can be perceived and acted upon for me and for my family. Like this first weekend together.

gratitude Friday

2011-09-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

I'm so grateful to have the choice to cut-back to part-time work and more time with Little N.
I'm grateful to L & Mima & my therapist for helping me to see I really could choose.

gratitude Wednesday

2011-08-31T21:44:00.000-07:00

I am grateful:

Little N is thriving and enjoying his days with Miss K and Little D.
L has started full time work after 3 1/2 years away from it and doing a terrific job.
I have given notice at the not-so-fabulous-for-me job and making a big change. I start part time work at the old company in a totally different role on September 26.
New beginnings and trying to see living differently.
L supporting me and encouraging me to make a change in employment and our roles that effects our family and our daily lives in so many ways.
Our dear Miss A has returned safely from her pilgrimage with lots in her mind and on her heart.
My therapist keeps turning my beliefs upside down in useful, livable, liberating ways.
The real possibility of being able to get together with friends.
The real reality of having my husband at home more.
Creative ideas and the time and energy to develop them into creations.

this is a gardening post

2011-08-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

my first morning glory blossom

Self-Portrait Saturday

2011-08-27T14:54:00.001-07:00

what's going on out there today?

another at-ease Saturday for Little N & me

My 50-day practice is barely holding on. My job is persistent drain on me. My mind is preoccupied with questions and worries. But for Saturday.

Our weekly island of calm. Tidying, order-making, mommy-soothing chores like laundry and dishes. A long walk in the morning sunlight. Coffee. Hours in the living room with a wild mix of toys. Breezes through the blinds. A little boy's nap. A little time alone in quiet.

I feel like we're swinging rung to rung on the monkey bars these recent weeks. Grip. Swing. Reach. Slip. Hang. Swing. Reach... until I settle two feet on the ladder called Saturday. Catch my breath. Turn around. Survey the current landscape and perspective. And then... Reach into a new week.

Big changes coming for us again. L starts full time work this week. Little N will go to a friend and her child for babysitting. I'm negotiating a job change for part-time work. Reach. Grab. Swing. Reach. Grip. Slip. Hang...Hang...Hang. Swing. Reach. Please, let the other side of this be different. Maybe a longer pause. A different pace to this Swing & Reach. Or a new game altogether.

Some folks love the momentum and speed of these particular monkey bars. I see them at the office where I work. Energetic and energized by the game and the other players swinging and clambering around. It's good for them and they should have it. But I'm a little different from them. It's not good for me; it doesn't excite me and move me rung to rung like it does them. I should and will do something else.

I know it can't all be Saturday. Even Saturday wouldn't be Saturday anymore if every day was Saturday. But they can't all be Sunday night either. All weariness and dread for the week ahead. So I'm surveying a place to make a pause, like Saturday, and plan my next Reach.

this is what progress looks like: summer at the park

2011-08-20T19:44:00.000-07:00

plucking and tasting the grass

drumming the boulders

here I come!

little mommy at rest

little boy in motion

brushing hands in the grass

down dog into the deep grass

looking for a butterfly

there it is!

little boy at rest

with his cozy loving mommy

Summer outings have held challenges in the past. The world was too intense for Little N's keen senses. This summer we've enjoyed watching his senses keep pace with his curiosity. He's exploring grass and sand and rocks. He bends into the cool shadows and springs out of hot sun. We sit together under the trees and watch the other children playing in the park. They are still a challenge for him; our next horizon. We'll get there in our own time.

this is what progress looks like: eggs!

2011-08-20T13:43:00.000-07:00

eating eggs with Daddy

We continue to work with kiddo on food. He's still severely limited in what he will eat but at least it's all stuff that's good for him. Right now, we're working with eggs. L eats eggs every day and so when he got back from Arkansas, he whipped up a plate of eggs for breakfast and another little plate for Little N. Kiddo was so excited to eat what Daddy was eating, off of a real plate with a real fork. So, I tried it again this afternoon.

My lunchtime eggs didn't get quite the warm reception, and gleeful grin, that Daddy's did, but Little N did poke around at them with his fork and lick the fork. We called it success. He did a terrific job on the rest of his food (his usual and complete diet: pasta with puree green beans, applesauce, yogurt, and wheat bread). Followed it with a glass of milk and he walked himself to his room for a nap before I could say, "naptime!"

Self-Portrait Saturday (ahhhh)

2011-08-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

finally, a nice, normal, Saturday

A bowl of fruit for breakfast while Little N drives trucks, with vividly accurate sound effects, along the end of the kitchen table. Laundry started. Yoga and core workout done. Wind rustling and rattling through the blinds. Happy sigh.

My 50-day practice has languished, but not surrendered yet. I've managed to hold onto pieces of it, and return to pieces of it even in the midst of challenging days. Like choosing yoga to resolve a stressful spinning in my head. Or making two out of three meals gluten-free by avoiding the free bagels at the office. And enjoying a long walk with L and Little N at the end of a roller coaster day.

I still have 13 days until my birthday weekend. So I'm recommitting to my practice now with a focus on these things:

listen to a meditation in the morning
some kind of movement every day - a family walk counts
grounding - by taking 10 minutes away from my desk in the afternoon
speak up about the additional resources I need to do my job and ask for them
gluten-free, lush hydration, low-sugar, low-salt, fresh fresh fresh!
write down what I am grateful for - and what I am enjoying and learning

There are some big decisions ahead of my little family in the next week. Anchoring myself in my practice will help me perceive answers and commit to choices. Wish us luck!

(day 37 of 50)

slurpy surprise!

2011-08-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

Kiddo drank from a straw today! Kind of a big gulp that surprised him and he did it!

And this morning - he ate eggs from a real plate (not a plastic kid's plate) with a real fork just like daddy's. Wow!

And he's copying saying everything he hears. Even things like, "raccoon sh!t."

(tee hee!)

Self-Portrait Saturday

2011-08-13T16:00:00.001-07:00

My intention these days is, "Show me I can do hard things."

I'm studying for my product certification at the new job. Mima stays with Little N while I go to the library for a few hours each morning to practice my demo. It's gradually coming along; gradually understanding what I'm doing; gradually memorizing the point-and-clicks.

And I'll be glad when this hard thing has passed.

(day 30 of 50)

looking for Mima

2011-08-13T15:57:00.001-07:00

Gratitude Monday

2011-08-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

Today I am grateful for creature comforts:

a gentle little yoga routine after a week away from it
lemonade
L getting an early release copy of the new book by his favorite author
soy chai lattes
quinoa tabbouleh at the healthy food store
blue jeans and a super soft t-shirt
a 5-day weekend starting on Wednesday
the smell of fresh sheets on the bed
a quiet apartment to myself for a little while
a quiet nearly-empty library on my lunch break
cool evening breezes

There's really so very little that I can control. But I worry it and worry it like a loose tooth that just isn't ready to come out. Creature comforts bring me back to my senses - smell, sound, sight, taste, touch - and the real world I inhabit.

(day 25 of 50)

woman, you are good

2011-08-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

I found this taped onto an old notebook and moved it onto the wall.

The universe yet incomplete
on the sixth day GOD created her
WOMAN
and GOD said to her
I shall give to you
a Heart full of Compassion
a Spirit Free to fly with the birds
a Vessel to carry Life into the world
Wisdom to know great truths
Courage to rise out of oppression
Strength to move mountains
Gentleness to kiss the earth
Passion to set the world on fire
Vision to respect the earth that bore you
a Playful Nature to dance with the children
Laughter to fill the valleys
Tears to wash the pain away
Hands for laboring and loving
Intuition to know the unknown
Desire to be that which you were created to be
and GOD said to her
WOMAN
I HAVE CREATED YOU IN MY IMAGE AND LIKENESS AND
YOU ARE GOOD

Self Portrait Saturday

2011-08-06T16:41:00.000-07:00

The very tired mommy.

Kiddo went down for his nap. Do I take some time for myself? Maybe I'll lie down for 30 minutes and then still have a little time for myself.

I woke up 2 hours later.

It was a long week. Much of my 50-day practice fell aside this week. I managed to hold onto my eating plan and some grounding but meditation and yoga were neglected. I focused on nutrition, hydration, prioritizing, and then sleep.

With the benefit of some deep rest and time with Little N the fog of rushing starts to clear from my head. I can see what I've learned in the last couple of weeks about my work and about myself. I can make next time (which is soon!) a little better.

(day 23 of 50)

Gratitude Sunday

2011-07-31T19:34:00.000-07:00

Today I am grateful for:

the good sense to catch myself mid worry and grouchiness and change my mind for a better weekend with Little N
"Little N, where did we go today?" "See Baby C." " He was pretty funny to play with..." "So happy."
L's silly photo of himself emailed to me for giggles and love at the end of the long Saturday
friends who haven't seen Little N for a while noticing how well his speech is developing. He tells us what he wants and needs, he greets friends, he puts familiar words and ideas together in new ways, he's conversational. It's more and more fun!
making the time for yoga.
little bamboo trellises for the Morning Glories on the deck.

(day 17 of 50 - one third completed)

Self-Portrait Saturday

2011-07-30T21:56:00.001-07:00

ugh

a long day of this...

trying to get to this...

Little N and I enjoyed a good morning out, but the rest of the day was anxiety and preoccupation with work-stuff. It was late in the day before I figured out what was going on. And then - shook it off somewhat.

Worrying the job of next week robs me of these rare hours with Little N today. And thepresent moments with N are what I do the work-week for in the first place. Kiddo is so bright and responsive to a little attention. Blooms and beams.

Composing lists of "to do" and questions will have to assuage my worry until I'm back in the office and can actually do something about anything. Given the last two weeks, I think everything is prepared anyway. Now for the last minute verification (worry), carting things to sites (don't forget!), and execution (know it all and have it all at your fingertips).

(day 16 of 50)

Gratitude Sunday

2011-07-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

Today I am grateful for:

Super Mima flying to the rescue - mom is coming to stay with me and Little N for a week while L goes home AR
L going to AR - the circumstances are sad, but I'm grateful that he will have the chance to say good-bye to his father, visit with his mom, meet his nieces, and all the other pieces of a trip home after years away
N has a preposition - "Let's go on the park." "The truck is on the water." Just the one is enough for growing sentences.
catching up with a friend I hadn't seen in months and finding renewed resonance between our lives
a tomato cage
quick simple recognition from my boss, "You're doing a great job keeping all these balls in the air," at the end of a long week.
Learning my job better so that I can keep all these balls in the air, moving, know when to set them down... etc.
making good connections - thoughts to feelings to experience to my body to the glimmering foundation of the future
big trucks left at the park for any child (Little N) to play with
good variety in the bulk section at the market next door
kiddo's mischievous giggling delight at spraying mommy with cold water

(day 10 of 50)

Self-Portrait Saturday

2011-07-23T17:37:00.001-07:00

day 9 of 50

I'm holding steady on the commitment to moving every day. That means yoga on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday (today!), and Sunday. Feels good to keep returning to the mat. Feels good to continue to practice a commitment to myself. And yoga just feels good!

Friday morning report on Little N

2011-07-22T22:55:00.000-07:00

I got the following from L while I was at the office:

Loads of good things.

1) I bought a meat pizza to cook for morning snack and lunch. Little N started poking at it with fork. I got him his own slice and fork. He licked a piece not less than 50 times, essenti ally pretending to eat while I ate mine. Then he took a piece of sausage off it and put it in his mouth....3 times.

2) When the kids were jumping on beds, Little N leaned against Little K and her big Elmo, then kind of wrestled with her, and pulling Elmo up and said "there you are".

3) Little N pretended to lay down and go to sleep while they were on the beds.

4) Little N got up while everyone was snacking and started dancing to music that was playing.

5) Leaving the house, Little N and Little L are saying bye over and over to each other, and then Little N says "I love you".

ok you can cry now.
-L

Gratitude Sunday

2011-07-17T13:22:00.001-07:00

Today I am grateful for:

a tiny euphoric moment, in a sunny afternoon, holding Little N's hand as we walked home from a happy visit at the park, every green leaf on the trees showed crisp and distinct, I felt happy and at peace with every thing in my life
today's early morning trip to the park, crocheting while N drove his trucks in the dirt or climbed and jumped on the rocks
a fresh beginning, patience with myself today, a commitment to good work that makes the best of each day while bringing me into my next best self
L's gig, good hours, good rate, mentally engaging him
my job, secure company, lots to learn, room to grow, good people on every side, getting stuff done
my mom willing to fly in to help me if L had to go home for his family
all's well, L doesn't need to go home
Little N's newest clarity of speech and growing conversational style
Little N's imagination showing in things like "N walking on grass" as he strolls along the carpet, or "N on zoo" and he ROARS! stompy pacing on the deck
Little N's new delight in silly
regular rhythm of weekends with my boy, chores, walks, park, store, yoga, snacks
our neighborhood, safe to take Little N for a walk in the early antsy mornings, the park is nearby and it's safe for me to bring him there on my own, useful stores in walking distance and the folks there are friendly and familiar
sweet happy playful challenging little boy
family walks, rain or shine
cool, grey, summer days like today

Self-Portrait Saturday

2011-07-16T15:53:00.001-07:00

contented Saturday morning quiet

before Little N gets up

every weekend gets a new list

We have green toes!

Little N was so excited to have his nails painted. Just the big toe on each foot.

He points to them and smiles, "N's green feet!" Just like mommy.

50 days of radiance

2011-07-15T21:01:00.000-07:00

Remember the Radiant Goddess e-course that I did back in September? Last night L and I had a chat about some bad habits we both fall into. He told me that when he wanted to quit smoking, many years ago, he decided he had to change who he was. For him, that was taking up weight lifting. The best experience I've had of that was the radiant goddess course - after I adapted it - so I'm starting that again for the next 50 days.

My birthday weekend is 50 days from now. I'm allowing that we'll want some kind of delicious celebration then so that's my end point. Plus, 50 is a nice round number. :)

The daily elements are:

meditation - I often listen to one on the bus
movement - yoga or a walk
grounding - brings me back to the present
3 Most Important Tasks - time management
nutrition: still looking for a blood sugar managing diet but expect lean protein, gluten free, lush hydration, low sugar, low salt, low caffeine
affirmation - I am a bright fresh me; I am ready & resourceful...
treats: cafe press favorites, sock dreams, nail polish, art supplies, yarn, going out by myself or to see a friend...

I'm adding two more elements to share this journey of radiance through the blog: Self Portrait Saturdays and Gratitude Sundays. So at least twice a week I'll report back in pictures and words about this transformative (gradually) process.

this is a gardening post

2011-07-09T14:05:00.000-07:00

I am so impressed by the quality of summer sunlight and the big green changes it brings to our plants on the deck and even in the windows.

our first tomato

morning glories

tickling the lavendar

more morning glories

thriving rescued spider plant
(from the "free!" pile on a neighborhood corner)

can you find the red bitty budlettes on my xmas cactus?

this is Hugh... this is Little N

2011-07-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

Meet Little N's first hero:

Hugh Masekela's trumpet playing has captured Little N's imagination, prompting him to imitate Hugh by grooving with a whistle as his improvised trumpet. Kiddo couldn't blow the whistle but he still ran to pick it up every time Hugh comes on stage in the Graceland Concert video. "This is Hugh," he said and later, "This is N."

L got Little N a toy trumpet. It's shiny like a real horn and has buttons. When you blow it, it sounds like a recorder. Last weekend Little N really wanted to be able to blow that trumpet. L and I showed him again and again to pucker up and kiss the the mouthpiece, blow a raspberry onto it. Little N giggled, withdrew, handed the trumpet to us in turn, or stuck the mouthpiece in his mouth. Then... he did it! He blew a raspberry onto the mouthpiece and TWEET! blew the trumpet. We were all three surprised and laughing and proud as kiddo showed us again and again that he could do it. High fives all around, and around again, and good job, and high fives.

Then, adding amazement to amazement, Little N walked straight out to the deck, picked up a bubble wand from a cup of bubbles and Blew Bubbles! Which he has never before been able to do since he couldn't work out that blowing thing. Now he does it! More high fives, good job, YAY!

sour summer treat

2011-07-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

We were out for a family walk and I was so completely parched. We stopped into a grocery store and I picked up a little bottle of lemonade. The sticky little bottle in my hand, the sour refreshment soothing me... & I remembered that I love lemonade!

Hello, old friend. Welcome home.

Saturday night

2011-06-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

These days I relish the quiet satisfaction of weekend chores and the sane sound home which these familiar tasks uphold.

we all will be received

2011-06-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

gratitude

2011-05-06T22:31:00.000-07:00

Returning here to share some of our gratitude from recent weeks:
~ Little N's speech has more consonants and clarity
~ He can ask for/demand what he wants and needs
~ He is a jumping bean! the sensory information is flowing through his joints and he loves it!
~ He's following simple directions
~ He enjoys sitting on the potty, and will ask to sit on it. Just sitting is enough, no action. The potty used to terrify him.
~ He drinks & enjoys & requests some of Daddy's protein shake! Out of an open cup! not a sippy. Making the shakes frightened him just weeks ago. Now he reminds Daddy to add the milk.
~ He chooses his preferred books for story time at night. First it was just selecting between 2 options. But now he'll just tell me "Red Tractor" "Chicka Chicka" "Higher Higher."
~ He understands and can work with the direction, "You may choose one small toy" even when he wants to buy a big green John Deere.
~ He can call for help. "Mommy! Mommy! Bug! Bug! Bug!" and there was a big scary spider crawling up the wall of his bedroom.

As for me and L:
~ I'm leaving my employer of 4 years and starting a new job
~ My current employer is being gracious about my departure
~ L is reducing his work schedule down to 20 hours on the weekends - more time together!
~ L is also picking up (we hope!) programming contract work

So we've been working on getting a lot of change into place. Next, navigating the transitions themselves.

And in all of this, Little N thrives, charms, and amazes.
We are so grateful.

back on the mat

2011-03-17T14:19:00.001-07:00

It feels good to see some color on the mat

but most of all

it feels good to be back on the mat.

not by bread alone but by every word!

2011-03-11T14:44:00.000-08:00

Little N started eating bread about a week ago.

This is really pretty amazing since everything else that he eats is mushy.

He is justifiably very proud of himself. Sometimes he shouts, "Yay! I did it!" upon completing a mouthful of bread.

And here's some great news that we got from school:

L: Little N's teacher aid said he is talking so much, with understandable words, she said it was amazing
Yay!! He's doing it!

the good & the bad

2011-03-10T13:54:00.001-08:00

The good news: I got new meds!
The bad news: They make me thirsty.

The good news: so I got a pretty new water bottle!
The... wait... I gotta go pee... :^)

Little N's first progress report or the proud happy mommy report!

2011-03-02T09:21:00.000-08:00

I was so happy to receive this email from Little N's teacher:

What a sweet little guy you have! He is a real joy to work with.

He appears to like school better than when he first started and the transition from dad to school has improved greatly. He comes in with more of a smile and seems happy to be here.

Little N is VERY interested in the other kids – especially during circle and table work times. He watches them and will often imitate their actions often during movement songs and during shared reading time. He is adjusting nicely to the schedule and looks to see what the other kids are doing to cue him what he should be doing. This is a wonderful skill!

He has just recently started drinking from an open cup at snack. Will he do this at home? I think watching the other kids drink this way motivated him to try it at school.

He still uses limited language at school but will repeat, quietly, words and phrases asked of him.

Little N is much more social outside than inside when playing. When outside, he loves to stay with the group (running and being chased), when inside he prefers to play by himself (with any type of car/truck). I think he really likes “show and tell” so keep sending in the items and thank you for making the effort.

We have bright little buds of social skills and language shining here. And within just one month of starting preschool! I am very happy, relieved, comforted, and grateful. Little N has a place to thrive.

gentleness, a clumsy kind of grace

2011-03-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

Gentleness is a different kind of effort for me. Not the striving challenge of holding a yoga pose as sweat drips in my eyes - but slow melting of breathing and releasing myself to gravity's hold. I know how to strive and how to distract myself against what needs striving. But melt and release are new invitations.

Here are some of the ways that I am learning gentleness with myself ~
light fun reading
comfort food
coffee shop dates with Little N
soft comfy clothes
tea at the beach with my best friend
a couple of personal days off from work to stay and play with my family
a warm bath - Little N was so awed by this he kept bursting in to say "Mommy's bath!"
easy strolls to the library or the park on my lunch break
gentle gentle yoga and stretching

I am clumsy at this. My yoga DVD reminds me "it's not all effort" "set your foundation and open yourself to grace, it flows through you."

Little N remains my bright guide in all of this. I am learning to treat myself as an extension of him - to parent myself with the same compassion and permission that I do him. There's something about being his mother that is good gravity for me. And there's something in yielding to that that is loosing grace to flow through me, through how I tend me, and how I engage with the daily life I am living.

Right now it's still so clumsy and inconsistent - but maybe that's the best way for me to see it at all. And I am grateful to see some grace, feel some gentleness for myself.

my turn

2011-02-19T22:01:00.000-08:00

hi friends, we're still here and my Little N is simply thriving in preschool. he delights in playing around the other children. he's comfortable in the routine and genuinely appreciates the structure of the morning. his teacher and his speech therapist seem to especially enjoy working with him. at home he's joyfully chatty, mostly in his own language but there's a little english thrown in. he also likes to read, such that he opens a book, speaks his language from a page in it, points to some of the pictures, flips ahead, repeats... until we reach "all done!" Pick up a new book and continue.

unfortunately, I'm not half so well as he is. something about these long months of figuring out what's up with kiddo kind of drained me or maybe the effort of bracing myself sort of imploded. so I started therapy and then quit therapy and then went back to therapy. we're working well together now. she practices a different method than I've tried before and I'm surprised that it works. in any case, the therapist says this is a serious depression. she asked me, "have you ever felt this badly before?" I told her, "oh, I've been worse than this." "well, you got better then and you'll get better now." (it sounded kind & reassuring when she said it.)

so I'm moving pretty slowly these days. my brain is mush, my body is heavy, the world is grey as far as the eye can see. except for Little N. he's a bright light. we went to the library this morning and for the rest of the day he would spontaneously blurt out, "bye-bye bribrary!" pretty cute. and we had a date at a coffee shop this afternoon. he was so excited to sit in a big wooden chair and watch the traffic out the shop window. chattering away in his language. a big red fire engine went by with all its lights and sirens going! it was a good date with mommy.

Little N is blooms and long searching tendrils of green. I'm dry and dusty and due for a little pruning and tending before I'll bounce back. but I always do.

amazing progress, amazing grace

2011-02-02T13:27:00.000-08:00

I try to jot down notes to myself - on index cards or in my calendar and then here on the blog - to collect each new little development, each new skill or expression that we see in Little N. It helps to hear from other folks in our life, who maybe have the benefit of distance and perspective, the view of bigger growth that all these little pieces add up into. Here's a joyful email (this post's title is from her subject line) from our friend Miss A,

Hi Jenni -

I'm not sure if you realize how incredibly far your glorious son has traveled in the last six months, but as a friend of you both, I'm here to tell you that from my perspective, his progress is nothing short of amazing. It's as though he's wrapped himself in a bubble of grace that has allowed discoveries of the world he's encountering to be shared .... truly what education, learning is all about!

I'm so happy for him it makes me want to shout ! SO THERE!!!

love,

A

Thank you A!

first day of preschool

2011-01-27T10:32:00.000-08:00

This is it! Kiddo started his new preschool this morning.

At breakfast we looked at pictures of his new teacher, Ms. B, and his classroom. Little N smiled and said "teacher" "B" "classroom." I kissed him goodbye and left for work. (Oh, please, let that smile last...)

L phoned to tell me that when he dropped Little N off at school it was a very different tune. From the moment they arrived at the school Little N started saying "bye bye!" He knew what was coming and he did not want to do it. L walked Little N to the classroom and poor Little N became more agitated. Kiddo tried to lead daddy to the door, "BYE BYE!" L turned to Ms K, the Speech Therapist, for guidance. "Can I...?" and before he could finish his question she said, "Yes, you can." Ms. K held Little N and L left for home.

I could not have done it. I would have broken down crying myself.

But L just called me with an update. Ms. K called to tell him that Little N is doing well! After an initially upset and stressful transition he joined in at Circle Time and now he's playing out on the playground. He's entertained by the other children, enjoying them.

He can do this.

We can do this.

We're all growing up as a family, together.

And I still can't wait to get home tonight and cuddle him and spoil him like Christmas and his birthday and coming home from a long trip away all in one night.

post edit:

hooray! Little N did as well as could be expected. After the initial screamfest, he visibly enjoyed being around the other children. His teacher said he would seem sad but then something would happen to distract him and he'd perk up. A promising start to this new phase. ♥

post post edit:
It's 9pm and kiddo is still happy & bright. shouldn't he be sleepy after such a big day? um, like me. ♥♥

3

2011-01-25T23:14:00.000-08:00

Little N turned 3 today!
We celebrated him all day.

The big changes start on Thursday. His first day at his new school. I'm terrified but trying to hide it from him. We're supposed to feed his expectation of success - that he can do this. And he can. But at the same time... he's never been apart from us for so long, never with strangers like this, never with so many children, never in an unfamiliar place before... all these new and wild things to experience with so much brand new sensory info - sights, motion, sounds, lighting, smells, things... all with no mommy or daddy to mediate it. I can't wait to get home Thursday night and hold him. My little baby. My big 3 year old boy.

women's experience of "otherness"....

2011-01-02T23:16:00.000-08:00

for years and years I was thinking about and reading about and writing about... women's "otherness" - spirituality, religion, relationships, health, literature, vocabulary, fat-ness & fitness, history & her-story, equal pay & child care, mothers & daughters, on and on...

I approached God through the metaphor of madness - a exponential and powerful otherness.

and now.
my son.
DNA coded for otherness.

what have I really learned about otherness?
how will I mobilize that knowledge into relationship, proximity, knowing him?
advocating for him?
Seeing him.