self portrait Sunday

I've been away from this space for a while.  And while I sort of miss it, my real life is calling for my attention a little more intensely right now and not allowing as much time for an on-line life.  Holidays plus divorcing have rendered a little more stress and transitioning than I had initially anticipated.  So please keep us in mind as one of those families navigating big changes and big feelings this season.

In the spirit of gratitude I also want to give thanks for a fun, funny, and productive visit with Mima (my mom) over the week of Thanksgiving.  Little N got lots of attention and did some new creative projects with her while I was at the office Monday - Wednesday.  She cleaned, organized, and supplemented my kitchen with new cookware.  We had about one day to ourselves for more household projects that I never would have gotten to on my own.  I am so grateful to have had another adult around, one who loves my Little N, and with whom I can work on projects pretty darn smoothly.

jack-o-lantern

stress

I am not myself.  I am over tired from nights of waking up and waking up again every couple hours.  Nothing in particular on mind just a feeling that bolts me alert for a moment.  I feel overwhelmed and defeated.  There's very little rest these days.

It's the stress of not-enough-money and no signs of more coming.  It's an amicable divorce gone tense and stilted.  It's full time caring for someone else, a little someone whom I love, that renders little time for caring for me in healthful, strengthening, soulful ways.  It's a stress that clouds the future until there isn't one, there's only today's challenges and fatigue.

My psychiatrist, whom I love, has added a sleep aid to my collection of meds.  I'm reluctant to take it.  I'm reluctant to add another prescription to my litany of daily medications.  I want to be healed, happy, and whole.  I want to be off of the meds and standing on my own.

I try to remember to treat myself and to talk to myself the way I would a much loved friend.  This is a phase of the divorce.  This is an adjustment to my daily life with Little N and now his beloved babysitter too.  The self care starts in my head where I must practice encouragement and patience.  There will again be hopes and dreams.  There still are bright funny friends to share my life with even if not as one partner.

And there is this bright funny little man, trying on our new life with me.  

gratitude Sunday: robot costumes

from this...

to this!

Historically, Little N does not like Halloween or costumes. We've never pushed the issue and let Halloween be about pumpkin carving.  This weekend, his dad suggested that there might be robot costumes.  That was very exciting!  And we found one!  A yellow Transformers costume.  Little N says it makes him very fast.

self portrait Saturday: Whole30 so far

no miracles, but my rings fit comfortably now, and slide on and off easily

the stiffness in my spine and post-baby-right-hip have lessened, and I've lost 5 lbs.  

a nice beginning. 

 in less nice news, tensions are rising in the divorce

we struggle, I think, to keep Little N's well being at front and center 

as we navigate egos, emotions & expectations

I don't have any answers for that today. Today, I'm tired, angry and sad about it all.

Little N continues to be a bright light. 

witching hour

every workday at 11am I'm jonesing for a cigarette

so today, again, I headed out to my stoop to compose myself over a cup of tea

it didn't work.

 between you, me & the butt can, I broke down had 1 cigarette

Which is to say, I'm addicted.  It tasted lousy but felt terrific.  My blood bubbled and sang within me. The world and my mood brightened.  I was ready to take on my job.  But this can't be true!  Such a bad habit gives such a good response.  I can't let this worst of my unhealthful habits resume.  

What I'm noticing:

A long time ago, I used to think that my body gave me good information and insights about myself, other people, spirit, my decisions...  I had a strong connection to my intuition and experienced that within my body.  But addictions of all sorts (including seemingly little things like sugar and nicotine) skew all that good information, twisting it into vibes and impulses that can't be trusted.  So here's another good reason to get clean of it all ~ I want to trust my body and the useful information that it can convey to me.  

Whole30 days 3&4

this is what I think a really good Whole30 plate looks like 

baked fish, kale sautéed in olive oil with peppers & onions, ton of steamed asparagus

and that was yesterday's lunch.  

I call this one "still life with sticker"

it's also some of today's snack food.  I actually really enjoy colored bell peppers as a snack.  

yes, they are more tasty with cheese...

creamy goodness for not awesome coffee.  

the coffee's bitter, I'm not.  (yes I am.)

do you see in this photo? - yes - more candy, lying in wait for me.

mine all mine!  except for this Whole30.

once upon a time (last week) I would have devoured more than my share of these tasty morsels.  

And my co-workers would either not notice or not mind.  

today the blessed things are lying around going stale.  

I'm noticing:

1) I eat without thinking about it.  Not right now, because of this Whole30, but usually.  I catch myself scraping the edge of the yogurt container, after dishing some out for Little N, and then lifting the spoon to my mouth until, Wait! Stop! Spit it out!  I'm on a Whole30!  Wow.  I didn't even notice I was about to eat something. The same goes for candy at the office.  Actually all food all the time.  I think, maybe, it's become the company I keep in these often lonely days at work and at home.

2) good glory I love and miss smoking. I physically crave it like I crave sweets. I bask in the secondhand smoke of the smoking clique at work.  

3) I love and miss the smoking clique.  We're all still friends but I don't have as much time with them to chat and gossip and vent and tease and just be together when I'm not smoking.  I've started slipping out to the butt can with a cup of tea to just hang out.  & get teased.  

paranoid, a little

It's like they're out to get me here.

3 things

zee nectar of zee gods ~ coffee

not awesome with coconut milk but dump a bunch of it in and the coffee is slightly more guzzle-able

happy light

my psychiatrist (whom I love) doesn't anticipate that I'll get depressed this dark season.  I'm not as confident about that as she is.  already I perceive these dim mornings mocking me.  a co-worker reminded me that I do have this Happy Light at my side.  I could just switch it on.  So I did.

Marlboro gold

lingering in the back end of the bottom drawer of my desk.  In case I "need" them.  I haven't smoked since Friday.  But today they are singing my name.  what could be better than sitting on the stoop, a mug of hot coffee, and the first cigarette of the day.  not smoking could be better.  I'm not smoking.

Whole30 Day 1 & 2

Here is some of what I ate on Day 1 of my Whole30.

I ate a lot!  Apples, almonds, sugar snap peas, a yam, green tea, boiled eggs, steamed asparagus, delicata squash, sautéed kale with pepper, onion, & garlic.  More green tea.  Melon, banana.

I noticed a couple of things:

1) I was heavy on the fruit.  Cuz I am heavy on SWEETS!  So I'm glad to have recognized that early in the month and start adding more veggies immediately.

2) I depend on food to manage my emotions - in a not-healthful way.  Now all my comfort foods (and addictions - goodbye cigarettes, goodbye gum) are stripped away leaving me alone with how I feel.  Sometimes I feel great, so there's that.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, alone, not-quite-good-enough, sad, grieving, pissed off, bored... and these are the times when having a handy helping of ______________ (insert comfort food) would seem to make a difference.  Instead I get to sit with my feelings - through a work day, or doing chores at home, or putting Little N to bed, or in those few hours alone while I have childcare.

What to do with all of these feelings?  Write about them.  Move them - dance, jog, walk, yoga.  Illustrate them - paint, collage, doodle.  Talk about them - call or email a friend.

Here I am on Day 2 (today!)

Ooooh, so dramatic!  But really it's just that I'm under an umbrella in a classic Seattle grey rainy morning waiting for the bus.  And sort of feeling under the weather as well.  In fact, I nearly went home "sick."

I felt lousy this morning.  Exhausted and achey all over my entire body.  As if I'd done some kind of cross-fit power lifting workout the likes of which I have no plans to ever do.  I've been sipping on green tea non-stop but it seems to lack the punch of my usual 4-6 (I know, I KNOW) cups of coffee with milk.  I broke down and hit up the local food co-op for some unsweetened coconut milk and dumped some into a hot cup of coffee.  Not Awesome.  But better than black coffee or no coffee at all.  I am awake again!  I can think again!  My body does not ache any more.

Here's what I'm noticing:

1) I am WAY addicted to coffee.  I'm not sure what I want to do about that right now.  I expect that I'll try to cut back; 4-6 cups does seem excessive, especially since I'm also taking Adderall twice a day which is another stimulant.

2) Moving my body helps everything.  Today I walked to and from and appointment just over a mile from where I work.  Walking there, with my "sick" aching body was slow and difficult but it also worked out some of the stiffness.  The walk back was much smoother and a little quicker pace.  So I have some movement goals for this month: Walk to the office from a far bus stop 5 mornings/week (1.2 miles), jog/walk at lunch 5 days a week (2 miles), practice yoga 3 mornings per week (30 minutes).

The first week is supposed to be the hardest.  Most exhausting, achey, craving week of the 30 days.  If I can keep noticing what's working and what's not along the way, I think I've got a chance at making it the entire month.  Up for tonight - more cooking - protein and produce.

self portrait Saturday: getting ready

This is the big pre-Whole30 weekend where I shop for fine protein and fresh produce.

And not much more than that. 

What I didn't expect, and actually really like, is this goal setting aspect to the program.  It expands the program beyond a simple (& tough!) diet to include more positive behaviors (my best habits) in more areas of my life.  It also should, maybe, give me places to focus besides on what I'm not eating and to look for positive changes due to what I am eating and choosing to do.

1!

It's 11:39am and I have had 1 (ONE!) cigarette today so far.  

Goal is to keep it to that.  And drink lots of coffee.  I am CAFFEINATED.

Kind healthy reformed smoker coworker has recommended that I take up eating sunflower seeds to give my mouth something to do while I quit smoking.  Kind of like the chewing gum I'm gnawing right now but without the annihilation of my sense of taste (which the gum seems to affect). 

And we are 4 days away from the start of my Whole30.  

Which means quitting my beloved coffee, since I require it with milk, & switching to gallons of green tea.  

I'm sure that's totally what they intended. 

54 pieces!

Well, I mostly quit smoking.  

I had 4 cigarettes yesterday.  I came into the office this morning ready to tear into 54 pieces of

cinnamon-y cigarette-resisting chain-chewing goodness.  

But then the day really hit me.  

I bummed a smoke off of a co-worker.  He's a generous man and gave me two.  

So that's 2 cigarettes for the entire day.  I raced outside for the first one and am zealously guarding the remaining stick of filthy cancer-ridden addiction-appeasing badness.

I only started smoking (this time around) in the summer.
It's been years since I smoked regularly.
But this stuff just seeps into all the little cracks rendered by stress & fatigue & glues you back together.

Until it doesn't.  

quitter!

this is me after smoking the last cigarette in my last pack

this is my heroic solution

And in 6 (SIX) days I'm starting a Whole30 with my sister.  For the month of October we are sticking to a strict plan of whole foods, minus gluten, dairy, beans... Wish us luck! 

gratitude Sunday: Mabon

Yesterday afternoon I gathered with my pagan friends to celebrate the Fall Equinox in a holiday called Mabon.  It's a harvest and thanksgiving holiday so we paused together to give thanks for what we have harvested in this past season.  For me, it's been a season of gaining independence - particularly around driving!  We also gave some time to what we would like the next year to include.  Self care and fitness are at the top of my list.

We enjoyed a joyful afternoon together outside in one of the last sunny days before Seattle's long season of cloud cover and rain begins.  There was laughter and stories as well as sharing some of our challenges and burdens to be supported by the group of friends.

I am grateful for these kind friends, their attention to nature, the good work in life, and beauty.  I am grateful for connections made in our gatherings.  I am grateful for strong support and for laughter.

red & grey

self portrait Saturday: healthfulness renew

pleasantly plump?

I am the most heavy (short of pregnancy) and least healthy (totally unlike my pregnancy) that I've ever been.  Well, years of depression, plus two years of divorce-avoiding-marriage, topped off with the recent weeks of transition have seen me settle for some poor coping methods.  My creature comforts have held me tight in their cozy arms (until they become cemented bad habits).  And I've just turned 39.

In retrospect, 38 got me to the place of mental stability and independence to be able to separate from L.  All of that will continue.  I love Dr. L, my psychiatrist, and am grateful for the work we do together, her knowledge, and sense of humor.  I'm continuing to cultivate friendships and skills that expand my world.  But there's also a real felt need for my own self care - particularly my physical health.  So the focus of 39 is self care and fitness.  (Can you help hold me to it?)

Here I am a few years ago at my most fit.  Regular yoga, nutritious diet, and lots of walking.  This is where I want to be at 40.  Slender and strong.  Bendy. Clear. Calm.  And egads! the work it will take to get there.  I'll start by rising early every morning before Little N is up.  I'll do my meditation and yoga.  Then get him started on his day.  I'll walk to the office from an earlier bus stop.  I'll jog on my lunch break.  I'll stock the fridge and pack my meals with healthful foods.  Oh yeah, I'll quit smoking.  And eating candy.

I know what to do... it's the motivation, will, and energy to do it.  It's the commitment to myself.  It's the ranking my care among the priorities of these days.  It's choosing my best habits as my coping skills.  It's choosing me.  The best habits won't happen every day.  Because sometimes I'll need more sleep or Little N will need more attention or I'll choose social connections, real friendships, over my physical routines.  But most days I think I can do this.  I've done it before, so I know it's possible, now I need to get creative and bend those best habits into forms that fit my new single mom life.  

self portrait Saturday: the end of the summer