pause

oh friends, real life is calling my name a little more loudly these days,

so I'm taking a pause from this little space.

feel free to email me: jennilincoln(at)yahoo(dot)com

spring

under the cover of wind and rain, 

spring creeps into Seattle

This is kind of how I feel, hope (cling to) as I trudge beneath the heaviness that is divorce.  Somewhere in me is spring, again.  Somewhere in me is new life, spark, spirit, and a happy future.  I'm not feeling that eager bloom today.  Today I merely covet a seed under dark skies.

not quite… & yet

I have a few confessions to make.

I've been smoking.  Not the half pack a day that I was up to, but, yeah, smoking.  Last week I smoked a total of 3 cigarettes all week.  I was Awesome!  This week I smoked 1 complete pack.  I Suck!

And the great success of Little N's new room… not exactly.  It's turned into me sleeping on the floor next to his bed, at least until he falls asleep.  I usually doze off as well and wake up stiff and achy after a couple hours on the floor, rouse myself enough to get to my room, and fall back to sleep in my own bed.

And my health kick for the new year is more like one massive trigger to overeat.  I mean, I have cookies baking in the oven right now and I'm the only one that's going to eat them.  I haven't been keeping to any of my health, nutrition, and fitness intentions.

But there's this great little Pagan-Christian hybrid holiday coming up which is perfect for situations like this one I've sunken myself into.

Imbolc (or Candlemas or St. Brigid's Day) is a holiday about recognizing the early signs of spring, the longer reach of sunlight into our days being key among them.  I've also observed it as a holiday about human creativity like art and poetry or even entrepreneurial endeavors.  Imbolc marks the transition from winter into spring.  It is where we step from a season of hibernation into the new season of action. The seeds start stirring in the physical world around us and within the worlds of our own lives.

So, it's a perfect time for me to map out meal plans and grocery lists, set the alarm clock a little earlier for morning workouts, and continue to quit smoking.  I set an intention for this year and now that the season of action is upon us, with the encouragement of sunlight and the coming spring to accompany me, I'm trying again.  I'm marking out in the physical world a sense of self I claim in my internal world - nonsmoker, healthy, active, engaged, emotionally and spiritually present.

I've been thinking a lot lately of how I feel my emotions in my body.  Mostly in my gut but sometimes in my chest or a parched mouth or an aching head….  Of course, I shut that all down with a bag of Doritos or a couple Dove squares or a simple cigarette.  I'm thinking about all that presence that I'm avoiding through the way that I treat my body.  And I'm wondering if my spirituality is in my body as well.  The messages, the inspiration, the prayers, and the presence, is all in my body.  How do I want to treat the medium of discernment and meaning in my own life?  How do I want to behave and be with the people that I engage with throughout a given day?  Coming home to my own emotions and spirituality happens when I come home to and tend my own body.

I lived January as another month of hibernation.  Pondering.  Experimenting.  But not committing to the intentions of my year.  Imbolc offers another opportunity and the good company of the natural world to actively participate in my own embodiment physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

gratitude Sunday

L caught this photo of me & Little N this morning

Today's gratitude is books.  The big colorful ones that Little N studies and the new classics that line my summer reading list.

I've just discovered a Master's program that I would love to do.  It's called Transforming Spirituality and  it's a great fit for many of my interests.  But another graduate degree isn't viable for me and my family right now.  We just don't have the resources (time and money).

So I've started scouring the internet for ideas on what to be reading and doing instead of this degree.  I've located and printed a number of syllabi from women's spirituality courses and feminism and religion classes.  Then it was on to Goodreads and Amazon for book lists.  Finally a quick stop to the local Goodwill to see if any of my new reading material appeared on their shelves.  And a few did!

The next months, and years, will include lots of reading.  But there's more as well.  As resources become more flexible I'd like to find a spiritual director or maybe even do the SEEL program and maybe through them become trained as a spiritual director.

There's plenty of time to explore more options for direction and directing.  Mostly what I'm excited about is having some clarity about the direction and commitment I want to make.  I talked to L about this plan and he was engaged and supportive.  Not because this is his sort of interest, it's not.  But because it is a good match for what I'm about and what we as a family can support in a real way - that still engages me.  I'm not on pause.  I'm on "diy."  And it feels pretty good.

self portrait Saturday

I'm reading two books right now, Spiral Dance and Naked Spirituality.  Both of them address spirituality, from Pagan and Christian perspectives respectively.  One theme that I'm finding across the two books and points of view is the importance of a personal, daily (?), practice.  Neither one specifically defines nor instructs the reader in this and yet it's sort of implied in order to develop the spirituality described and to use the tools the books outline.  

As a working mother and wife I find it incredibly challenging to make time and space for a daily spiritual practice.  Things like meditation or prayer or even simple silence are not easily achieved in my world.  Am I just "on hold" spiritually until my job and my family require different things from me?  Where is the wiggle room in which to start with a mere 5 minutes of quiet time?

5 minutes of quiet time....

self portrait Saturday

Last week I outed myself with a mental illness in a post about ten of my self care practices for major depression.  I posted the blog on Facebook and held my breath.  What would people think?  or say?  And you know what - folks were kind, supportive, and appreciative of my sharing.

There's still such a stigma attached to mental illness.  I don't really know what to do about that other than continue to share my experiences with honesty and trust that the folks that need to hear it, that want the understanding, will find my words.

But mostly I write for myself.  I need to fight the stigma in my own mind.  I need to acknowledge where I'm at in this depression wrangling - the successes and the not-so-much.  The writing helps me to see myself more clearly and to better appreciate what I see.

gratitude Sunday

Daddy and Little N get Mommy out-and-about once again.

 

the end of a long day

These are long dog-tired days for me.  I have yet to shed the low feelings of last week.  But this ~

~ this makes me feel a little better at the end of the day.  Little N chose this park for his after-we-pick-up-mommy play time last night.  Instead of resuming my yoga practice, I came along, grateful for the sunshine, salty air, and good company of my guys.  And so, there is hope.

******

That hope seems out of reach today, back in the office, where there are expectations of performance that I don't feel like I can meet.  Reasonable expectations that still appear beyond my ability for today.  I limp along under heavy feelings and a foggy mind.  Every sound distracts and upsets me, reasonable office conversations, the pitter-patter of fingers on keyboard, the shuffle of feet on the carpeted floor.  I want to walk out of the office and be alone.  I want to sit still, cover my ears, cry.

I daydream about what would heal me.  A proper vacation, probably alone but maybe with my guys for part of it.  Slow motion days of sunshine, surf, and lots of fruit.  A hammock.  A cool dark room.  A day (a week?!) of being taken care of more than taking care of others and stuff.

But I sit up straight and pretend to be working.  This workday will end in a couple of hours and then I'll go to the psychiatrist's office and talk it all out.  Maybe my meds need to be adjusted.  Maybe I just need to talk.  Maybe I'll feel well someday.

Well enough to do good work more days than not.  To hold off on the binges that don't comfort me the way I imagine that they will.  To sit still at my desk and accomplish tasks amidst the sounds and distractions of reasonable office mates.  To live a happy, healthy lifestyle.

*****

I keep going back to Caitlin Marcoux.  Her photos inspire me to live more healthfully and to plan and maintain healthy routines to manage my depression, similar to the way that she is navigating her cancer.  It's probably unfair to say that depression is my "cancer" (metaphorically), but today unfair is also true.  Depression is taking my life away from me, taking me away from my family and friends.  I need to beat it.  I need to live well despite it.  I need to hear a lesson in it and then grow and thrive anyway.

Caitlin posted two quotes in the last week that are bees in my bonnet.  Humming. Stinging.  Distracting me.

"What I need for healing is already present in my system."~Leslie Kaminoff

"No one can listen to your body for you. 

To grow and heal you have to take responsibility for listening to yourself."~Jon Kabat-Zinn

Could these possibly be true for depression too?  Is there some healing available in my system (my body? my family? my spirit? my friendships?)?  If I listen to my body will it lead me in healing this?  is that what Dr. L means when she tells me to "go inside?"  I'm so tired.  My listening to myself is muddy with doubt, despair, fatigue.  Surely there's yet a still small voice of insight waiting for me to hear it and be healed.  

gratitude Sunday: Mothers' Day

remembering to bless this mess.

self portrait Saturday: my pod

paired pedicures

Little N and I both like to have our toes painted. 

self portrait Saturday: camping

I went camping!

after waking up in a tent

Camping has been a father-son activity in our little family.  It's something for them to explore and enjoy together and it's given me some time alone.  But Little N got to the point where he really wanted Mommy to see him camp and to enjoy camping with him.  And L wanted me to finally see his favorite landscape in our region.

Dry Falls

I made a genuine effort to remain engaged and appreciative throughout the road trip.  At 200 miles, it was a considerable part of the adventure... and the kind of thing that I typically zone out on.  But it was beautiful landscape.  So very different from what we usually see around Seattle.

Grand Coulee corridor

Steamboat Rock

After a number of scenic stops along the way...   

Grand Coulee Dam

...we finally arrived at the campground.

I am so glad that I made this trip with my guys.  We all enjoyed ourselves doing activities we liked and sharing in activities the others liked.  I splashed in an icy cold lake with Little N, laid in the sun to journal and read, roasted hot dogs and marshmallows, played hide & seek in the tent, snuggled in sleeping bags, gazed up a the clouds, gazed up at the stars and so much more.   We're not sure if or when a trip like this will be able to happen again.  L is hopefully starting a part time job soon that will keep him occupied on weekends.  So we took the chance we had and made it a bright happy experience and bright happy memories.  I am so pleased.

this is what progress looks like: courage & sharing

Here's an FB post from L about Little N's big day yesterday:

Little N's autism progress. 1) Noises can be a big issue for autistics. Little N dealt with a fear of train noise, asked to stand above train on pedestrian bridge, he did it with no trouble at all. 2) Social skills are a big issue for autistics. Little N was at a park with his big dumptruck. Two boys started off with it while Little N was swinging. He ran over, said "that is mine" in reasonable tone and volume, they gave it back. Then he said "we can take turns, first my turn, then yours, then yours" and proceeded to manage the sharing the whole time. At the end of it all the boys thanked him like he was some sort of charismatic leader. 

Little N, you rock. The world's going to remember you.

gratitude Sunday

I give thanks.

Imbolc altar 2012

Today I am grateful for the warm, kind, expressive, thoughtful, growing, diverse women of the Pagan group I practice with.  I have been meeting with this group in various constellations of these women for a few years now and I can gladly call them a spiritual home.  We've just added a new activity to bring us together - a book club reading spiritual books.  I love reading and I love hearing the discussions these women engage.  

I am grateful to be with people that accept my marriage Pagan and Christian.  I am grateful for an encouraging space to practice ritual and to explore the meaning of Earth-based spirituality.  I am grateful for these particular people, their personalities and stories and kindness to each other.  I am grateful to learn how different women practice their spirituality in their lives, outside the shared space of our ritual circle.  

meeting baby Maggie

She slept in my arms our entire visit. 

happy camper

pit stops

Little N and L are on a road trip today.  Kiddo is on spring break from preschool.  They'll camp out  and drive home tomorrow.  I'll have our place to myself tonight.  (It's a treat for all of us.)