head massage

There's scarcely any positive human touch in my life these days - being without a partner.  I do give my son lots of hugs, high-fives, snuggles, and tickles.  It's especially sweet when he gives affection back in his own way.

our other favorite heroine - Merida

As soon as Tangled ends, we put on Brave, and once Brave ends, we're back to Tangled…

Brave appeals to me a little more.  At this unsteady cusp of transition in my life, something about Merida's story awakens, inspires, encourages me.  Merida knows her mind and her strength.  Through a challenging journey she learns compassion and humility and love.  Her happily ever after remains to be written; it isn't sealed in the movie with a betrothal.  I want a story like that for my next chapter.

We will run and scream
You will dance with me
We'll fulfill our dreams
And we'll be free
We will be who we are
And then heal our scars
Sadness will be far away

"… Mommy, I want to watch Merpunzel, now, please…"

this moment

There's a lovely blogger who posts "this moment" every Friday.  

It's a beautiful, special moment from the week captured in a pretty photo.  

My week has been a little less than lovely.

Probably the best "moment" was leaving the attorney's office, empowered with more information about how to proceed in my divorce.  It's been a pretty heavy week.  I'm grateful for the support of family and a few friends, yet I still feel like I'm carrying this heaviness, this divorce, on my own.  I'm ready for this week to be over. I'm eager for this divorce to be done but there are more steps, more weeks of carrying the heaviness, before me.

We're heading into mediation next.  Will that lessen this load?  Give me a sense of sharing the burden with at least the mediator if not also with my ex?  Make it our journey rather than my fatigued stumbling?  

I used to know how to slow myself down and pace myself in accordance with the energy that I possessed.  But not this week.  My job, my son, my home requires energy, focus, and emotion I don't currently possess and all I perceive is the dissonance.  

I trust that there is relief, peace, loveliness on the other side of this.  

For now, in this moment, this is where I am. 

our books are here!

Our new books have arrived and I'm very happy to explore them.  

It will take some effort on my part to practice what's in the books with Little N, 

but the material is there to dive into.

from the Earth Child's Handbook - a moon phases wheel

Lots of activities like mobiles, recipes for clay, paint, and treats, coloring pages, dot-to-dot, and more.

from Peaceful Piggy Meditation - "They try to be loving and kind to all beings."

A gentle story about what meditation creates in a piggy's life 

and a couple of exercises to practice meditation with Little N. 

from Sitting Still Like a Frog - four faces of big emotions

A good one for me to read about mindfulness

and a CD with some exercises to practice with Little N.

Now to find the nooks and crannies of time for reading and practicing together. 

the missing tooth

He pulled it out at school!

And here it is:

the wiggly tooth

It's been over a year since we lost a tooth around here.

But we've got one wiggling away right now.

We'll keep you posted!

not quite… & yet

I have a few confessions to make.

I've been smoking.  Not the half pack a day that I was up to, but, yeah, smoking.  Last week I smoked a total of 3 cigarettes all week.  I was Awesome!  This week I smoked 1 complete pack.  I Suck!

And the great success of Little N's new room… not exactly.  It's turned into me sleeping on the floor next to his bed, at least until he falls asleep.  I usually doze off as well and wake up stiff and achy after a couple hours on the floor, rouse myself enough to get to my room, and fall back to sleep in my own bed.

And my health kick for the new year is more like one massive trigger to overeat.  I mean, I have cookies baking in the oven right now and I'm the only one that's going to eat them.  I haven't been keeping to any of my health, nutrition, and fitness intentions.

But there's this great little Pagan-Christian hybrid holiday coming up which is perfect for situations like this one I've sunken myself into.

Imbolc (or Candlemas or St. Brigid's Day) is a holiday about recognizing the early signs of spring, the longer reach of sunlight into our days being key among them.  I've also observed it as a holiday about human creativity like art and poetry or even entrepreneurial endeavors.  Imbolc marks the transition from winter into spring.  It is where we step from a season of hibernation into the new season of action. The seeds start stirring in the physical world around us and within the worlds of our own lives.

So, it's a perfect time for me to map out meal plans and grocery lists, set the alarm clock a little earlier for morning workouts, and continue to quit smoking.  I set an intention for this year and now that the season of action is upon us, with the encouragement of sunlight and the coming spring to accompany me, I'm trying again.  I'm marking out in the physical world a sense of self I claim in my internal world - nonsmoker, healthy, active, engaged, emotionally and spiritually present.

I've been thinking a lot lately of how I feel my emotions in my body.  Mostly in my gut but sometimes in my chest or a parched mouth or an aching head….  Of course, I shut that all down with a bag of Doritos or a couple Dove squares or a simple cigarette.  I'm thinking about all that presence that I'm avoiding through the way that I treat my body.  And I'm wondering if my spirituality is in my body as well.  The messages, the inspiration, the prayers, and the presence, is all in my body.  How do I want to treat the medium of discernment and meaning in my own life?  How do I want to behave and be with the people that I engage with throughout a given day?  Coming home to my own emotions and spirituality happens when I come home to and tend my own body.

I lived January as another month of hibernation.  Pondering.  Experimenting.  But not committing to the intentions of my year.  Imbolc offers another opportunity and the good company of the natural world to actively participate in my own embodiment physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Little N's (re)New(ed) Room

Ever since L moved out, Little N has been sleeping in my room.  We made a nest for him next to my bed.  It's a clutter of pillows, afghans, plush pals, and random toys (beside my own clutter of afghans, pillows, and pjs).  Each night we'd chat, maybe have a story, or I'd simply listen to him talk to himself, processing the events of his day out loud.  It was nice to be together that way every evening.  But it's been 5 months of having a roommate and now that Little N is 6 (SIX!) it seemed time for him to move back into his own room.   

Our beloved Miss A had the idea to brighten up Little N's room with twinkle lights on the ceiling!  I climbed up on a chair and she handed me tacks as we spun a spiral of light together.  It's beautiful.  Miss A also thought we might make the bed more of a nest by tucking it up against the corner of the wall.  Then we piled up the pillows and blankets that coziness requires.

Little N came home from his dad's to this terrific surprise.  He loves his "new" room!  He immediately wanted me to lower the window blinds so that just the little lights brightened the space.  He set to work arranging furniture and had me drag his little red table back in from the living room.  Then we played being neighbors, he in his "home" and me in mine - our separate rooms with doors closed for knocking on - and made visits to each other's personal spaces.    

I wasn't sure how the first night was going to go.  Would he actually sleep in his room alone?  We read some books and chatted.  I scratched his back.  Then he snuggled down into his new nest.  He slept soundly through the night and it took great effort to rouse him in the morning.  Success.    

now we are six!

Happy Birthday to my Little N.

He's got this!

the final smoke

I smoked my final cigarette today.

Not just the last one in the pack. The last cigarette of my life!  I made sure to enjoy it.  I sat on a rock by the library and just inhaled, exhaled, watched the smoke circle and dance and the ash flutter in the wind.  As health damaging habits go - it was lovely.

I'm working with the recent recognition that my emotions reside in my body.  I need to check in with my body to perceive what I'm feeling and where it is in my body.  Smoking masks some of that, robbing me not only of physical vitality but emotional vitality as well.  I'm bored, sad, tired, stressed, angry, I need to smoke - no!  I need to sit with the feeling a minute.  Locate it in my body.  Jot it down. Carry it gently.  Notice if it brings any other news with it.

Some people smoke to lose weight or maintain a slender size.  But I wonder if quitting smoking might help in my efforts to lose weight.  I'm an emotional eater, just like I'm an emotional smoker, which means I use these devices of food and cigarettes to not feel what I'm feeling.  Maybe eliminating one of these methods can start to open me up to how I feel and I can find some other way/s to experience and express the emotions.  It's going to take vigilance and some sort of strategy, new tools and practices, habits and behaviors to live in my body and in my feelings.  (Thank goodness there's a therapy appointment scheduled for this week….)

dreams in storage… for 2014

I read somewhere that "excess weight is dreams in storage"

In the last 2-ish years I've gained a plump amount of weight that I'd like to shed.  So I'm approaching that weight loss from two angles - my heart and my body.  What dreams are ready to be realized?  What work am I ready to do for those dreams?  What work am I ready to do for my body to resume a healthy-for-me weight?  I'm using Leonie Dawson's 2014 Create Your Amazing Year: Life & Biz Edition Workbook to help me sift through the dreams and the work to achieve them.

Here are some of the dreams I'm working to realize in the coming year:

• Hosting half-day retreats for busy women.  
• This will be a joint venture with a good friend who is a Spiritual Director.  We've got lots of ideas!  Now to set them into motion.
• Experiencing my emotions in healthier ways.  
• As in, not overeating and smoking as a way to deal with how I feel.  Maybe journal them - even jotting a couple notes in my day-planner during a work day, taking a walk, going to the spa, talking about my feelings with the much-loved-therapist. 
• Practice healthful habits - that also promote weight loss.  
• So, eating nutritiously, not overeating, walking, jogging, yoga, tending my body with love, all kinds of good stuff that used to be my own good habits.
• Develop a good divorce and shared parenting with L.  
• We will begin drafting a Parenting Plan this evening.
• Resume writing.  
• Starting with a regular journalling practice and maybe changing how & how often I write here on the blog.

Maybe not so much the big public dreams of success and recognition but significant to me in terms of living a vibrant, positive, authentic life.  And each of these areas have contributed to my weight gain.  As I've slipped away from parts of who I am, and the good habits that embody them, I've turned to crummy habits like emotional eating and smoking and avoidance.  As I return again to who I am and how I want to express myself, I choose healthy habits to make even daily life a more true expression.  And there are the more public dreams, like writing and hosting retreats, where what I believe and how I live will be more visible.

self portrait Sunday: overwhelm

plumbing repairs throughout our apartment building have rendered some 

holes in the ceiling, layers of dust, sniffles, inconvenience and rearranged stuff in our little home.

kiddo doesn't seem to mind, and chimes right in adding his own mayhem to the mix

"Mommy, I'm an Angry Bird!"

the Christmas tree is up, a little beacon of love, light, and hope 

Little N's daddy showed up with wrapped presents to add to the festiveness

(a few more things for the workmen to navigate and coat with dust)

my table is a clutter-magnet with forms to complete, bills to pay, correspondence to reply to, documents to file or shred and general "where should this go? drop it on the table for now…" mess

which is to say I'm tired and overwhelmed and nothing is perfect or tidy or at my fingertips and everything looks like another chore to do or simply out of my control

and all these projects feel like dead ends in the labyrinth to what I really want to be doing, 

the good work that my heart would really be in, some heartfelt vocation beyond 

day-job, housework, parenting, sanity

but Little N is happy and oblivious to Mommy's drama

L and I have called a truce (again), so maybe we'll be able to talk to each other 

without it exploding into harsh voices and an upset Little N,

there's fresh coffee brewing,

and plenty of places to start in making things right in my little world and plenty to let go of.

Christmas Tree

After our little Thanksgiving dinner and afternoon walk in the woods we put up our Christmas tree!  It gets dark so early, combined with Seattle's perpetual overcast this time of year, we're looking forward to many weeks with Christmas lights cheering our afternoons and evenings.  Little N is especially excited to have the tree up.

cold car camping (or my first camping trip in 30-ish years)

This is 30-something me. 

I haven't been camping since I was a young girl.  My husband, who loves cold weather, has convinced me to go camping in the mountains on this very cold, and snow-on-the-mountains, weekend in November.

it's snowing!

daddy building a tent as fast as he can before his fingers freeze stiff

Little N at his happiest throwing rocks into water

the water

Little N marveling at how far he's thrown the stones

beautiful, cold, water

very tiny fire

Little N helping daddy build the fire

Shortly after this photo was captured the fire went out.  We restarted it.  It went out again.  We were very cold.  It was only 4:30 and the sun had yet to go down and take the temperature with it.  So the decision was made to return home.  A tantrum ensued.  Major. Melt. Down.  But we held to the decision, packed up, and somewhere along the 4 hour drive home through snow and pouring rain Little N napped and laughed and generally resumed his happy self.  We got home tired but so happy to be in our warm, dry, home.  And cold car camping is now a thing of the past.  We're reserving our camping plans for warmer weather. 

nesting

my hero!

I'm feeling much better - more energy and more alert - since my husband convinced me to try an iron supplement.

clarity

Lately I've been forgetting that I wanted to be working part-time and home more with Little N.  Things are busy, complex, and stressful at the office and I feel out of the loop and only half informed as a part-time employee.  I also find that I miss being with adults all day and that I get some pride, or at least satisfaction, in the work I've done.  Plus, part-time work was supposed to provide a little time alone for me, to read and write and to figure out my next steps professionally.  But Little N's schedule erased any chance for that.  So what am I doing?

at the zoo

My yoga practice has given me a way to work with this question.  At the start of each session we set an intention for our practice.  Mine has been "clarity."  That one word has made a difference for me.  The yoga opened my mind and my body to see something more true than the rush and needs of the office.  The intention of clarity shone a light on what and who is most important to me, enjoyable, and fulfilling for me right now. 

What I'm doing is being with Little N in a simple and real way, which I wasn't able to do when he was a baby.  Postpartum depression sent me running back to the adult world of the office as soon as maternity leave ended.  Now I feel like I have a second chance and more time to cultivate a mother son relationship; we're bonding.  

We have good moments and draining hours, like every mother and son.  It's not easy, getting to know and learn this little person.  But it is good.  And when he calls for me, "Mommy, come hold my hand."  "Mommy, come over here and play with Little N."  "Mommy, come sit with Little N right there."  I'm starting to think, "He's not always going to want me right there.   I'm not always going to be right here to hold his hand."  I might sigh or tell him to wait a minute, but I usually stop what I'm in the middle of and go be with him.  And I usually remember that it's what I wanted to be doing in the first place.    

Imbolc ritual

We celebrated Imbolc Friday night with a beautiful ritual among kind friends.  The ritual impressed upon me additional elements of the holiday that hadn't stood out to me before.  Imbolc is Brigid's day, goddess of hearth, home, healing waters, light, inspiration, poetry, and even smithing.  She's a triple goddess and with her sisters shares these skills and gifts.  We honored Brigid with candlelight, poetry, blessed water, and new spring plants.

I'm not usually very attached to or inspired by particular gods and goddesses.  They tend to feel flimsy to me; spent inventions belonging to another people and another time.  But the character of Brigid reached me last night both as an icon imbued with things that are important to me and as a messenger bearing news about something about which I am very vulnerable and unsure.  Brigid told me that I am a writer.  She would know... as a goddess of inspiration, poetry, and intellect.  The message came with clarity and courage in my heart to keep putting words together about what I feel, know, and experience.

Brigid's message carried another insight too.  She convinced me of the significance and power of knowing your gods and goddesses.  I still don't perceive supernatural entities hanging out in the ether guiding, protecting, or judging us.  I don't experience divine presence that way (if at all).  But I do recognize the utility and power of recognizing and committing to strong characters holding and exemplifying our highest values.  They provide models, guides, examples, good company as we navigate change and confusion, celebrate our arrivals into new good places in our lives, and generally strive to live well with each other.

For years now I've played with the metaphor of the madwoman in the attic, where God is the madwoman.  Inherent to that metaphor has been my own struggle to perceive a divine feminine.  An aspect of the madwoman has been the male God in women's clothing.  I couldn't shake the masculine deity of my formative faith.  But through the icon of Brigid, within the ritual's meditation, I recognized and felt the madwoman as her own distinct feminine sacred self.  And with the new beginnings of Imbolc, I committed this year to knowing her character and committed my writing to her.  What does this mean?  I'm still translating the feelings of that night into meaning and action, but it's something about mercy, creativity, release rather than rules, love rather than laws, sharing my struggle, celebrating each tiny success, and knowing the sacred and holy in the good company of other people.

saturday road trip

We got out of the city for the day with our new-to-us car.

approaching the pass over the mountains

it's still winter out here

army convoys on the road all day

wind farm on the other side of the pass

at the columbia river with Little N (& looking like a cone head!)

columbia river

columbia river from the dashboard

bridge back over the river

finally sleepy

home again