clarity

Lately I've been forgetting that I wanted to be working part-time and home more with Little N.  Things are busy, complex, and stressful at the office and I feel out of the loop and only half informed as a part-time employee.  I also find that I miss being with adults all day and that I get some pride, or at least satisfaction, in the work I've done.  Plus, part-time work was supposed to provide a little time alone for me, to read and write and to figure out my next steps professionally.  But Little N's schedule erased any chance for that.  So what am I doing?

at the zoo

My yoga practice has given me a way to work with this question.  At the start of each session we set an intention for our practice.  Mine has been "clarity."  That one word has made a difference for me.  The yoga opened my mind and my body to see something more true than the rush and needs of the office.  The intention of clarity shone a light on what and who is most important to me, enjoyable, and fulfilling for me right now. 

What I'm doing is being with Little N in a simple and real way, which I wasn't able to do when he was a baby.  Postpartum depression sent me running back to the adult world of the office as soon as maternity leave ended.  Now I feel like I have a second chance and more time to cultivate a mother son relationship; we're bonding.  

We have good moments and draining hours, like every mother and son.  It's not easy, getting to know and learn this little person.  But it is good.  And when he calls for me, "Mommy, come hold my hand."  "Mommy, come over here and play with Little N."  "Mommy, come sit with Little N right there."  I'm starting to think, "He's not always going to want me right there.   I'm not always going to be right here to hold his hand."  I might sigh or tell him to wait a minute, but I usually stop what I'm in the middle of and go be with him.  And I usually remember that it's what I wanted to be doing in the first place.