dabbling

I'm rereading a favorite little book, Karen Maezen Miller's Hand Wash Cold.   I read this line yesterday and it's stayed with me since:

As long as you view yourself as a dabbler, you are holding yourself back from the wholeness you seek. (p.55)

She's writing about finding a teacher for your meditation practice and spiritual growth.  But it made me think about a number of aspects of my life, like mothering, writing, understanding Autism, marking what's meaningful with my family, play, and yoga, and art, and a career.  It feels like there's only enough time and attention for dabbling in each of these. 

Where am I holding myself back?  Where can I apply my attention and time for greater wholeness?  And where I can relax and let today's dabbling be enough?  Because striving for more and better isn't always a good answer.  Sometimes the answer is about rest, focusing on what is immediately before me, letting fatigue be my guide to what is most important for my attention, and choosing what to do with the energy I have. 

It's an imperfect formula.  It hasn't rendered a sense of "wholeness."  I want both the challenge of working more intensely in areas that matter to me and the rest of letting some things be good enough for today. 

I think there's a clue back in the quote.   She's talking about more than the words "dabbler" and "wholeness."  The context is about seeking a teacher and cultivating a spiritual practice that has a lot to do with letting be and not striving.  I need wisdom beyond my immediate experience and books, and I need teachers, relationships, (maybe even a community) to guide and accompany me deeper.  The inklings of all this are in my life already but I think that's where I've been holding myself back.  Engaging with the teachers that are in my life today.