yielding

"It could be a week." Oh the joyful news from the doctor that got my hopes up. I scanned Google for whatever I could learn about early labor and encouraging its progress. One article made a strong impression. It was about the influence of the mom's mindset and emotions on the progress of the labor. I adopted a mantra of yielding.

I am yielding to the unknown.
I am yielding to pain.
I am yielding to change.

The week has passed. Now the doctor tells me that I am making lots of good subtle changes. As if! Have you ever thought of labor as subtle?!? Me neither.

It discouraged me. The news of stalled progress + recent developments at work + sheer physical fatigue + all those unspeakable fears and worries about being a mother (& not me anymore) took me down. I don't know if that was a time to yield or to resist. I suppose ultimately I did yield - and that brought me right in close with the unspeakables. The underbelly of the mindset of the mama. I think that's what they were really talking about in the article and it has fostered some good subtle changes.

I am yielding to time.
I am yielding to comfort.
I am yielding to my own needs.

Lucky me, really, to know that I have a little more time before the birth and the upheaval (that I still see it as) that will follow. I've decided to start maternity leave this coming week. This will give me some of my own time - for nesting, for yoga & walks, for visits with friends, for reading non-parenting books. And time to yield to some of the fears and the tiny, tender hopes that I sense tangled up in those fears.

I am hoping for a healthy child.
I am hoping for a satisfying birth experience.
I am hoping to still recognize me, my life, in all the changes before us.