self portrait Saturday: Mommy gets out!

geekalicious, right? 

I was just thinking that it's been ages since I've been to a play - and that getting out to artsy stuff was once a regular highlight of my nights.  Then our Beloved Miss A invited me to this:

10 Days to Happiness: One Woman's Hilariously Tortured Search for Enlightenment

The play itself was fairly predictable but getting out and doing something different was a real treat.  And our Beloved Miss A is always good company.

I've recognized, these days, that I'm angry and jealous that L gets to do what he wants he when he wants now that we're separated.  I'm the single mom and he's the renewed bachelor.  Which means more of my time is focused on parenting than on myself and my interests.  I'm not working out or developing my hobbies or getting out to artsy Seattle because I'm home with Little N.  So I arrange my outings for when Little N is with L or the beloved babysitter and I savor the experiences and relationships in the moments that I have.

It's not quantitatively fair.  But something qualitative is working for me.  I miss my boy when he's off with has dad, even though I simultaneously cherish the hours to clean the apartment, read, sit in front of  HULU, catch up on FB.   I show up and deeply value the time together with my friends for book group, or a supper date after work, or creating ritual.  The constraints on my time and attention is reinforcing the value of these moments of connection.  For that much, I can relax, experience some gratitude, and let my jealousy for L's new life fade, even a little bit, as I start to understand and embrace my new life.

jack-o-lantern

self portrait Saturday: post-spa glow

I love to spa

 I feel relaxed and refreshed.  I very much enjoyed the good company of Ms. M.  I will do this again.

spa treatment

A friend has decided I need a mommy break and is treating me to a visit to Ladywell's.  It's a women's-only spa in my neighborhood.  I have no idea if I like to "spa" (is that a verb?) but I'm happy for a break and ready to try something different.  I hardly know how to just sit still these days.  Looking forward to relaxing in good company.  

Whole30 days 3&4

this is what I think a really good Whole30 plate looks like 

baked fish, kale sautéed in olive oil with peppers & onions, ton of steamed asparagus

and that was yesterday's lunch.  

I call this one "still life with sticker"

it's also some of today's snack food.  I actually really enjoy colored bell peppers as a snack.  

yes, they are more tasty with cheese...

creamy goodness for not awesome coffee.  

the coffee's bitter, I'm not.  (yes I am.)

do you see in this photo? - yes - more candy, lying in wait for me.

mine all mine!  except for this Whole30.

once upon a time (last week) I would have devoured more than my share of these tasty morsels.  

And my co-workers would either not notice or not mind.  

today the blessed things are lying around going stale.  

I'm noticing:

1) I eat without thinking about it.  Not right now, because of this Whole30, but usually.  I catch myself scraping the edge of the yogurt container, after dishing some out for Little N, and then lifting the spoon to my mouth until, Wait! Stop! Spit it out!  I'm on a Whole30!  Wow.  I didn't even notice I was about to eat something. The same goes for candy at the office.  Actually all food all the time.  I think, maybe, it's become the company I keep in these often lonely days at work and at home.

2) good glory I love and miss smoking. I physically crave it like I crave sweets. I bask in the secondhand smoke of the smoking clique at work.  

3) I love and miss the smoking clique.  We're all still friends but I don't have as much time with them to chat and gossip and vent and tease and just be together when I'm not smoking.  I've started slipping out to the butt can with a cup of tea to just hang out.  & get teased.  

look Ma, no smokes!

comfy on my stoop with a hot cup of Moroccan Mint tea

no cigarettes for 7 days

meanwhile my gal pal, B, flaunts her smokingness at me

 

she's too cool

gratitude Sunday: the little pauses

This weekend I'm catching my breath in the overwhelm of single mom-ness.

Little N went to his dad's on Friday so I got a little time to hang out with Miss A - and she introduced me to Netflix streaming and Call The Midwife (love!) (I signed myself up Saturday and started watching immediately).  Little N missed me so his dad brought him home Saturday morning.  It was a grey downpour day.  I managed to get some chores done while kiddo watched Tangled (4 times in a row?) (funny & exciting Every Time!), practiced his writing, and crashed around out on the deck.  L came back to get Little N Sunday afternoon for a few hours giving me a little more time for Call The Midwife and some batch cooking for my greatly anticipated Whole30.

I don't expect there's some great relief coming to me.  I expect that these little pauses are what I can hope for and rest in and savor when I get them.  I do experience these odd waves of emotion in the quiet hours alone.  A feeling that says something like, "I shouldn't have to do this alone.  I should have a partner in this."  This being parenting, at least, and maybe life as a whole.  But in these same alone pauses, which I am grateful for, I also know that I'm not alone.  Little N is with his dad.  I am connected to friends and family near and far who care and are thinking of me and Little N as we make our way through this.  It's not the same as a partner.  It's not the same as a best friend next door.  But it matters and I find myself counting on it.  Just as I've come to count on these little pauses.

gratitude Sunday

I'm grateful for cultural changes that grant a little more acceptance and breathing room to divorce and alternative family structures (at least where we live in Seattle).

This afternoon, L showed up to have some time with Little N.  They're off to the beach on this cool overcast day.  I'm home puttering around, putting the place in order for a new week, thinking my own thoughts (rather than caregiving & disciplining thoughts).

For me, right now, time with L is kind of stressful.  We're not together anymore because we don't really dig being together.  But I do it, like yesterday's site seeing trip, for Little N's sake.  Is it really in his best interest I wonder?  One more question to navigate as we step deeper into new routines and patterns of relating.

I'm grateful to be able to dissolve a mismatched marriage.  I'm grateful for a former partner who is committed to his son and seeks involvement in his young life.  I'm grateful for the time, the support and encouragement of friends, the love of our son, to figure this all out a step at a time.

self portrait Saturday: family time

Little N & Mommy

Little N & Daddy

3 of us boarding the monorail

up front with the driver

Space Needle ahead!

It's been a bumpy week as our family transitions continue to take shape and take hold.  Little N acts up in school as well as most evenings before bed.  Nearly every day he asks me where his dad is.  His dad is mostly living his life alone in a large apartment and a part time night job.  L takes care of Little N every day after school and they pick me up from work in the evening.  It's a pretty tidy arrangement that keeps the two of them connected and provides needed childcare.  But still Little N has regular questions and big emotions that he and I are walking through together.    

We're pretty tired tonight, or I'd write more.  Thanks for reading.  We're coming through this slow, heavy phase with lots of light and lots of love, due in large part to the kindness of our friends.  

learning how to be friends

commonplace: expansion

"Immature petition tries to convince God to remake the world in our image for our convenience, but mature petition asks God to remake us in God's own image, so that we can expand our capacity to respond to the world as it is."  p.105

"By crying help, we choose expansion rather than contraction, advance rather than retreat."  p. 108

"But you don't criticize, condemn, chide, or reject yourself.  Rather, you join God in God's desire for your own expansion and well-being."  p. 112

My small group at Woodland Park United Methodist Church (WPUMC) is still reading Brian McLaren's Naked Spirituality: a Life With God in 12 Simple Words.  I first wrote about it here.  Our most recent chapters were about the word, or prayer, help.   

I'm not much of a pray-er in terms of bringing petitions to God for intercession or some kind of result.  I grew up with a terminally ill father and a terminally ill aunt, both of whom I was close with.  I learned that the people we love suffer and die.  Prayer does not interrupt or otherwise alleviate that.  So for me, prayer at its best has come to mean more about good company with God while we live, survive, endure, make the best of... the life that is.  

But the idea of expansion brought a new facet of prayer to light.  That prayer might expand my consciousness, for example - expand (and deepen?) my understanding of what Little N needs right now.  So a few nights ago I prayed "help, help me with Little N in all of this," and then I went to bed.  I rested with a calmness about Little N that contrasted with the anxiety and fear that I'd brought to my prayer.  When I woke, I had new clarity about some changes that I could make in my attention and behavior that would better support my son.  I'd say I was expanded.  It didn't take away or in any way reduce the challenges before us, but I was better equipped and aware of how to engage and follow through in healthy ways for our family.  And the responsibility to engage and follow through was on me.  I was granted new insights and the choice to respond to them.

Another place I'm perceiving expansion is with our small group at WPUMC.  During the years of choosing and living in my marriage I also chose to let some of my values (peace, social justice, feminism at its best, spirituality etc.) drop away.  I was mostly aware of it; I deemed them unrealistic and unlivable for ordinary folks.  Though in some ways I assumed these values were still around, paused perhaps, latent, but that we, as a couple, would resume them.  It's become evident, now, that these are my values and not my husband's.  In small group I see and hear these values made central and significant in our conversations.  Ordinary people, not front line activists or otherwise public figures, who make a point to talk about these values and to work together to live them.  They model these values for me and when I go to group open to receiving help I am expanded by their example.

I believe that this expansion is what God wants for me, and for all us ordinary folks.  To live open, deep, expansive lives in our families and communities.  That, I guess, is where social change (peace, social justice, feminism at its best, spirituality, etc.) becomes the common sense of a culture and gradually ousts meaner, stingier world views (not that it worked in my marriage, hmmm).  And I love that McLaren makes the point that we don't cut ourselves down for being small or contracted in some way.  We love ourselves with God, we cultivate richness in our lives, together with God.  And I'd add, we extend that same gentle tending of love to others.  

gratitude Sunday: these two together

That's our Beloved Miss A and Little N together back in December 2012.  Probably neither one of them likes this photo but I love it.  Today when we got back from her place, after saying goodbye to her for the next month as she'll be traveling Back East and Beyond, Little N demanded to see a photo of her.  "I like her!  I want to see her!"  I recalled this image and pulled it up onto the screen.  He settled down.

 "You can call me," she says, as we make our goodbyes.  She'll be with family and old friends and thousands of miles away and I can't imagine interrupting all that with my concerns.  But she offered it and she meant it.

When she returns things should be in full swing.  L moving out.  Little N getting ready for kindergarten.  Me taking time off to settle into new habits and a new way of life.  Her bringing back all her memories and feelings from her trip.  I have no idea, today, where our lives will really be in a month.  But I'm looking forward to seeing these two together again.  Might be time for a new photo.

gratitude Sunday

For all the kindness and concern that I have received in the last few days of deciding and sharing the decision.  Facebook is kind of an odd medium for personal news but it spared me an exhaustion of phone calls and questions.  For the relief of no secrets, of openness, of new beginnings.   

self portrait Saturday: the "D" word

L and I have decided to divorce. 

It's hardly a surprise to folks that really know us.  We've been struggling over what to do with our relationship for the last two years.  Then, the "D" word was an "or else."  Now, it's a settled calm. 

I thought the hard part was achieving a shared decision in shared timing.  But there's a lot that's hard about divorcing.  A great heap of decisions looms before us to sift through and settle.  There are conclusions to be reached together before stepping into lives apart.  That's a challenge, as we in many ways already live separate lives, with separate values, friendships, interests, and points of view.

But it's a hopeful time too.  Of relief and peace and new beginnings.  Of honesty and living lives that are more open and true to who we each are.  Of recognizing what we share - both of us in love with Little N and committed to his happiness.

So I find myself in a mixed season of crisp brown endings and tender green beginnings all intermingled.  My mixed emotions rush and hiccup and pause and flow.  Facades fade and fumble.  So it's also a whole rich vibrant season of truth and reality.  And that gives me the courage, the peace, and the energy to continue on this new and unfamiliar path.

self portrait Saturday: miss interdependent

sun kissed?  sun crisped.

I'm doing a lot more on my own these days - on my own as a parent with Little N.  I like it.  I like feeling capable and competent on my own with him.  I like the way the world that Little N and I inhabit has stretched, just a bit, so we can be comfortable together on these long summer days.  It reminds me of my early days mothering his newborn self.  I would try to write down ever little thing I learned to do and so remind myself what was going well (for the days when it seemed like nothing was going well).

It also reminds me of when and why I moved in with L eight years ago.  I was depressed, uninsured, and living alone.  I was trying to muscle through it all on my own.  And I couldn't.  And I had this smart, kind, funny boyfriend who was happy to get a place with me.  We found a great little apartment with lots of natural light and a fun neighborhood.  We even got a cat.  Things were looking better.  But it set me up to be dependent on L.  I was convinced that I couldn't make it on my own.  And that belief has stayed with me even into parenting Little N.

So these are days of big breakthroughs.  I can do this mom thing on my own.  Do I want to?  On the other hand, we have Miss A and her love and support.  We sleep over at her place, enjoy her company and her space.  I welcome another adult to chat with or to watch Little N while I get to pee in privacy or simply look away for a minute.  What cooperation or support or participation do I want?  From whom? If I don't need it, then what do I choose?  Maybe things are good the way they are, and this shift in perspective is what I want and choose.  But maybe a different constellation of parenting and family is in order.  Right now, I can't even imagine what that could look like.

gratitude Sunday: a person & a thing

Little N and I have begun our summer of solo parenting weekends.  L works from Thursday night through Saturday night, most weeks.  So kiddo and I are on our own for a good four days/nights a week.  Let me say, right now, proper respect and admiration to full time single parents.  I do love my special time with Little N - and I need breaks.  Fortunately, I get some of those breaks when L is awake and somewhat recovered on Saturday and Sunday afternoons.  Then I do the glorious housework that both needs done and sort of puts me back in order too.

In the midst of all this, a person and a thing are making my work with Little N easier and richer.

First, our beloved Miss A.  She takes my adult-conversation-starved phone calls from the park, meets us at the beach before anyone else is there, and welcomes us into her home & yard.  Upon hearing of L's work schedule, Miss A suggested that Little N and I stay with her on Thursday nights.  Then I could get up and go to work in the morning and she would keep Little N until noon-ish and bring him back to L.  That give Little N some individual time with her and gives L some time to sleep before resuming parenting duties.  It worked great!  It worked so well, in fact, that she invited us to stay on Friday nights too and just play on Saturday mornings while L sleeps.

My single parenting days would be decidedly more difficult and lonely without my dear friend, Miss A, and her good company, love, and attention for me and my son.  

Second, our big blue station wagon.  Remember when I told you that I am afraid of driving?  I've had to start subduing that fear these days.  Little N and I live in the car during our days and evenings together.  Thursdays we drive across the city up to Capitol Hill to stay with Miss A and then I drive back down to the office from her place.  Fridays when I get home from work Little N and I go to the beach.  Saturday and Sunday mornings it's the beach again.  Somewhere in there is probably another trip up the Hill to Miss A on the weekend too.  So basically there are three places I can drive to comfortably.  I'm doing it.  It's getting easier.

With this newly beloved vehicle, and driving-skill-under-development, Little N and I are connected to a few more places that we dig and a person that we love.  Plus the additional experiences, playmates, and ideas that being out and about grants a kid (and a mom) in the city.

So this challenging time is bringing me some unexpected gifts.  A new phase of my friendship with Miss A where I am learning to accept help and support from her in ways that I hadn't before and that are really difficult for me to receive from anyone.  Simply having more time with her is fun for me and Little N!  I'm also learning to be a more confident, comfortable, and proficient driver.  The wagon feels too big for me sometimes, but I'm glad for all the stuff it can carry to the beach and back.  And in ways that I'm just starting to feel and to find words for, I'm grateful for this phase of focused time with my son.  We are bonding through our funny schedule of more hours together, just us.  There's a different familiarity and understanding, something like a rhythm that we keep.  I am grateful.

old friends, new friends

This is Little N and Little C.  

I've known Little C's mom since we were 5 years old.  And now our boys know each other.  

With a little effort and coordination on us moms' part, these two will be old friends someday too.

gratitude Sunday

I just finished sending out a batch of cards with summer greetings and little mid-year updates. 

 I'm grateful to have such good folks, near and far, to share our family with.  Some of the folks in today's mailing have known me since I was a little girl.  That's more than 30 years.  And some have only known us as a family, since Little N was a baby.  Some may respond, and some won't make a peep, but all of them will know that they are cared about and special to us.  

gratitude Sunday

I give thanks.

Imbolc altar 2012

Today I am grateful for the warm, kind, expressive, thoughtful, growing, diverse women of the Pagan group I practice with.  I have been meeting with this group in various constellations of these women for a few years now and I can gladly call them a spiritual home.  We've just added a new activity to bring us together - a book club reading spiritual books.  I love reading and I love hearing the discussions these women engage.  

I am grateful to be with people that accept my marriage Pagan and Christian.  I am grateful for an encouraging space to practice ritual and to explore the meaning of Earth-based spirituality.  I am grateful for these particular people, their personalities and stories and kindness to each other.  I am grateful to learn how different women practice their spirituality in their lives, outside the shared space of our ritual circle.  

meeting baby Maggie

She slept in my arms our entire visit.