pause

oh friends, real life is calling my name a little more loudly these days,

so I'm taking a pause from this little space.

feel free to email me: jennilincoln(at)yahoo(dot)com

spring

under the cover of wind and rain, 

spring creeps into Seattle

This is kind of how I feel, hope (cling to) as I trudge beneath the heaviness that is divorce.  Somewhere in me is spring, again.  Somewhere in me is new life, spark, spirit, and a happy future.  I'm not feeling that eager bloom today.  Today I merely covet a seed under dark skies.

our other favorite heroine - Merida

As soon as Tangled ends, we put on Brave, and once Brave ends, we're back to Tangled…

Brave appeals to me a little more.  At this unsteady cusp of transition in my life, something about Merida's story awakens, inspires, encourages me.  Merida knows her mind and her strength.  Through a challenging journey she learns compassion and humility and love.  Her happily ever after remains to be written; it isn't sealed in the movie with a betrothal.  I want a story like that for my next chapter.

We will run and scream
You will dance with me
We'll fulfill our dreams
And we'll be free
We will be who we are
And then heal our scars
Sadness will be far away

"… Mommy, I want to watch Merpunzel, now, please…"

this moment

There's a lovely blogger who posts "this moment" every Friday.  

It's a beautiful, special moment from the week captured in a pretty photo.  

My week has been a little less than lovely.

Probably the best "moment" was leaving the attorney's office, empowered with more information about how to proceed in my divorce.  It's been a pretty heavy week.  I'm grateful for the support of family and a few friends, yet I still feel like I'm carrying this heaviness, this divorce, on my own.  I'm ready for this week to be over. I'm eager for this divorce to be done but there are more steps, more weeks of carrying the heaviness, before me.

We're heading into mediation next.  Will that lessen this load?  Give me a sense of sharing the burden with at least the mediator if not also with my ex?  Make it our journey rather than my fatigued stumbling?  

I used to know how to slow myself down and pace myself in accordance with the energy that I possessed.  But not this week.  My job, my son, my home requires energy, focus, and emotion I don't currently possess and all I perceive is the dissonance.  

I trust that there is relief, peace, loveliness on the other side of this.  

For now, in this moment, this is where I am. 

our books are here!

Our new books have arrived and I'm very happy to explore them.  

It will take some effort on my part to practice what's in the books with Little N, 

but the material is there to dive into.

from the Earth Child's Handbook - a moon phases wheel

Lots of activities like mobiles, recipes for clay, paint, and treats, coloring pages, dot-to-dot, and more.

from Peaceful Piggy Meditation - "They try to be loving and kind to all beings."

A gentle story about what meditation creates in a piggy's life 

and a couple of exercises to practice meditation with Little N. 

from Sitting Still Like a Frog - four faces of big emotions

A good one for me to read about mindfulness

and a CD with some exercises to practice with Little N.

Now to find the nooks and crannies of time for reading and practicing together. 

raising a spiritually conscious child

I'm perpetually wondering about and wrestling with 

how to share the spiritual aspects of life with Little N.

no peeking...

We've tried a couple different churches, which he loathed and resisted, and even dharma school, which was a hit this summer, faded away as Little N started enjoying Sunday mornings at his dad's place.  How do I want and choose to tend my son's spirituality?  In the absence of a worship community, who can help me?

Growing up as an Evangelical Christian, my family did a lot to develop my Christian consciousness.  In addition to Sunday worship at church, there was attendance at a Christian elementary school for some years, weekly Pioneer Girls (think Christian Girl Scouts), and nightly Bible stories, prayer, and praise songs before bed.  As a teen, Pioneer Girls was replaced with Bible Study and Youth Group.  But always there was some group activity and relationships participating in my development.

As an adult, I've largely stepped away from Evangelical Christianity and adopted a more spiritual-but-not-religious approach to my faith, with pagan leanings.  This is rich and meaningful to me, but leaves me at a loss, I feel, for how to share a vibrant, lived spirituality with my son.  With no community with whom to share this good work, I'm seeking alternatives on my own.  To that end, I've ordered the following three books, in hopes for some cues and clues along the way:

I first saw Peaceful Piggy Meditation in a therapist's waiting room and wanted to steal it!  (I didn't.)  It offered such a simple clear way to start meditating with this totally non-threatening little pig.  Piggy makes it look easy, do-able even.  I've thought of the book several times since then and finally decided to purchase my own copy to share with Little N.

Sitting Still Like a Frog came up to view as I searched for the Piggy.  Written to parents, I'm optimistic that it can be one of my guides in teaching Little N mindfulness, that I hope will help him to manage and process the big emotions that seem to come with Autism.  Also, I need help with mindfulness.

Finally, The Earth Child's Handbook speaks to my pagan interests.  It offers crafts, recipes, coloring pages, inspiration and information that I can share with Little N about respecting and dwelling in the in the natural world.  I don't expect that everything in this book will speak to me, but I think it will give us enough material to play with spirit together.

A note on Christianity: I feel like I'm recovering from years in Evangelical Christian culture.  But that is not the same thing, to me, as the person, life, and message of the Christ.  In my spirituality there is plenty of room for meditation, mindfulness, and even pagan awareness in concert with Christ.  So while I (try to) remain open to Christianity, the packaging tends to turn me away from it, and makes it hard for me to find open, vibrant, true ways to share Christ with my son.  I will say, that Mima sent Little N a Christian book about kindness and he loves it.  We read it most nights.  It's offered us an excellent place to start.

the art of being annoyed

Between you and me, I have a coworker that really bugs me.

Actually, there's more than one that really bugs me.  And when I get bugged, I go out for a cigarette.  It's as if I don't know how to be annoyed.  In fact, I'm often annoyed.  I'm a seething kettle of anger and annoyance.  But what to do with all that emotion?  How do other people just sit still with it all bubbling and toiling inside of them?

I'm lousy at feeling and dealing with anger.  I'm one of those unfortunate folks who bottles it all up until it explodes in a great toxic wave of harsh words unwarranted by that tiny last straw that tipped the scales of my self control.  If I'm going to quit smoking (when & in order to quit smoking) I'm going to have to learn how to be angerrry.  To sit at my desk and let the annoying coworker(s) run his spiel and move along.  Maybe I could move him along a little faster with a not so subtle, "I'm sorta busy right now."  Or I could jot my big emotions in my little day planner, "Pissed at that so-and-so!"  Or maybe a quick walk without the cigarette would do it.  But ultimately I need to learn how to feel angry and move the heck on.

So far, I've got a pack of cigarettes in my top desk drawer.  Just in case you-know-who drops by.

not quite… & yet

I have a few confessions to make.

I've been smoking.  Not the half pack a day that I was up to, but, yeah, smoking.  Last week I smoked a total of 3 cigarettes all week.  I was Awesome!  This week I smoked 1 complete pack.  I Suck!

And the great success of Little N's new room… not exactly.  It's turned into me sleeping on the floor next to his bed, at least until he falls asleep.  I usually doze off as well and wake up stiff and achy after a couple hours on the floor, rouse myself enough to get to my room, and fall back to sleep in my own bed.

And my health kick for the new year is more like one massive trigger to overeat.  I mean, I have cookies baking in the oven right now and I'm the only one that's going to eat them.  I haven't been keeping to any of my health, nutrition, and fitness intentions.

But there's this great little Pagan-Christian hybrid holiday coming up which is perfect for situations like this one I've sunken myself into.

Imbolc (or Candlemas or St. Brigid's Day) is a holiday about recognizing the early signs of spring, the longer reach of sunlight into our days being key among them.  I've also observed it as a holiday about human creativity like art and poetry or even entrepreneurial endeavors.  Imbolc marks the transition from winter into spring.  It is where we step from a season of hibernation into the new season of action. The seeds start stirring in the physical world around us and within the worlds of our own lives.

So, it's a perfect time for me to map out meal plans and grocery lists, set the alarm clock a little earlier for morning workouts, and continue to quit smoking.  I set an intention for this year and now that the season of action is upon us, with the encouragement of sunlight and the coming spring to accompany me, I'm trying again.  I'm marking out in the physical world a sense of self I claim in my internal world - nonsmoker, healthy, active, engaged, emotionally and spiritually present.

I've been thinking a lot lately of how I feel my emotions in my body.  Mostly in my gut but sometimes in my chest or a parched mouth or an aching head….  Of course, I shut that all down with a bag of Doritos or a couple Dove squares or a simple cigarette.  I'm thinking about all that presence that I'm avoiding through the way that I treat my body.  And I'm wondering if my spirituality is in my body as well.  The messages, the inspiration, the prayers, and the presence, is all in my body.  How do I want to treat the medium of discernment and meaning in my own life?  How do I want to behave and be with the people that I engage with throughout a given day?  Coming home to my own emotions and spirituality happens when I come home to and tend my own body.

I lived January as another month of hibernation.  Pondering.  Experimenting.  But not committing to the intentions of my year.  Imbolc offers another opportunity and the good company of the natural world to actively participate in my own embodiment physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Little N's (re)New(ed) Room

Ever since L moved out, Little N has been sleeping in my room.  We made a nest for him next to my bed.  It's a clutter of pillows, afghans, plush pals, and random toys (beside my own clutter of afghans, pillows, and pjs).  Each night we'd chat, maybe have a story, or I'd simply listen to him talk to himself, processing the events of his day out loud.  It was nice to be together that way every evening.  But it's been 5 months of having a roommate and now that Little N is 6 (SIX!) it seemed time for him to move back into his own room.   

Our beloved Miss A had the idea to brighten up Little N's room with twinkle lights on the ceiling!  I climbed up on a chair and she handed me tacks as we spun a spiral of light together.  It's beautiful.  Miss A also thought we might make the bed more of a nest by tucking it up against the corner of the wall.  Then we piled up the pillows and blankets that coziness requires.

Little N came home from his dad's to this terrific surprise.  He loves his "new" room!  He immediately wanted me to lower the window blinds so that just the little lights brightened the space.  He set to work arranging furniture and had me drag his little red table back in from the living room.  Then we played being neighbors, he in his "home" and me in mine - our separate rooms with doors closed for knocking on - and made visits to each other's personal spaces.    

I wasn't sure how the first night was going to go.  Would he actually sleep in his room alone?  We read some books and chatted.  I scratched his back.  Then he snuggled down into his new nest.  He slept soundly through the night and it took great effort to rouse him in the morning.  Success.    

the final smoke

I smoked my final cigarette today.

Not just the last one in the pack. The last cigarette of my life!  I made sure to enjoy it.  I sat on a rock by the library and just inhaled, exhaled, watched the smoke circle and dance and the ash flutter in the wind.  As health damaging habits go - it was lovely.

I'm working with the recent recognition that my emotions reside in my body.  I need to check in with my body to perceive what I'm feeling and where it is in my body.  Smoking masks some of that, robbing me not only of physical vitality but emotional vitality as well.  I'm bored, sad, tired, stressed, angry, I need to smoke - no!  I need to sit with the feeling a minute.  Locate it in my body.  Jot it down. Carry it gently.  Notice if it brings any other news with it.

Some people smoke to lose weight or maintain a slender size.  But I wonder if quitting smoking might help in my efforts to lose weight.  I'm an emotional eater, just like I'm an emotional smoker, which means I use these devices of food and cigarettes to not feel what I'm feeling.  Maybe eliminating one of these methods can start to open me up to how I feel and I can find some other way/s to experience and express the emotions.  It's going to take vigilance and some sort of strategy, new tools and practices, habits and behaviors to live in my body and in my feelings.  (Thank goodness there's a therapy appointment scheduled for this week….)

Saturday morning

I'm still recovering from a vulnerability hangover here.

a little reminder (for me & for you) about the Power of Vulnerability:

replenish

Little N goes to his dad's on Saturday afternoon and stays overnight, giving me time to catch up on all the things that are hard to do with a Little N claiming my attention.  Bills get paid, housework done, and little pockets of time for me to replenish me. A friend planted the thought in my mind about the grace mothers extend to themselves.  I think carving out time for our own replenishment, in the midst of competing demands from our littles, is one of the ways that we practice grace for ourselves as mothers. 

Why, yes, they do make coloring books for grown-ups. 

So I started doing some reading about self-care.  Seems there are three tiers to it.  The immediate needs of food, shelter, etc.  The pause and relaxation needs of my coloring books or a visit to the spa.  And the soul needs, perhaps my most neglected and the most deeply replenishing.

The busyness of my days is how I secure the first level needs of home and hearth for me and Little N.  The pauses come when he's over at his dad's place.  And the soul time?  I almost prefer housework to soul work these days; it's finite and achievable as opposed to the other thing.

But I've also been reading and thinking a lot about mothering as a spiritual practice.  About the unity of sacred and mundane.  And I think the difference between these two spheres and/or the sameness they share arises from the intention we bring to our mundane work of home and hearth and parenting and pause.

Can I retain calm with Little N when he ever-so-deliberately pees all over the floor?  Not super likely, but I'm working on it.  Can I maintain a focus-in-the-moment in the overwhelming heap of laundry to be folded?  Sometimes.  Can I release my mind from the trainload of concerns and emotions while filling in coloring pages?  Getting there, once I turn off the soothing distractions of Netflix.

I'm not sure why sitting with my soul is challenging to me right now.  But I do believe that if I bring the intention of soul work to my tasks and to my pauses they will be soulful.

ack! but now Little N is home and my pause is ended… can I practice soulful presence in the rest of the day's parenting?  :-)

dreams in storage… for 2014

I read somewhere that "excess weight is dreams in storage"

In the last 2-ish years I've gained a plump amount of weight that I'd like to shed.  So I'm approaching that weight loss from two angles - my heart and my body.  What dreams are ready to be realized?  What work am I ready to do for those dreams?  What work am I ready to do for my body to resume a healthy-for-me weight?  I'm using Leonie Dawson's 2014 Create Your Amazing Year: Life & Biz Edition Workbook to help me sift through the dreams and the work to achieve them.

Here are some of the dreams I'm working to realize in the coming year:

• Hosting half-day retreats for busy women.  
• This will be a joint venture with a good friend who is a Spiritual Director.  We've got lots of ideas!  Now to set them into motion.
• Experiencing my emotions in healthier ways.  
• As in, not overeating and smoking as a way to deal with how I feel.  Maybe journal them - even jotting a couple notes in my day-planner during a work day, taking a walk, going to the spa, talking about my feelings with the much-loved-therapist. 
• Practice healthful habits - that also promote weight loss.  
• So, eating nutritiously, not overeating, walking, jogging, yoga, tending my body with love, all kinds of good stuff that used to be my own good habits.
• Develop a good divorce and shared parenting with L.  
• We will begin drafting a Parenting Plan this evening.
• Resume writing.  
• Starting with a regular journalling practice and maybe changing how & how often I write here on the blog.

Maybe not so much the big public dreams of success and recognition but significant to me in terms of living a vibrant, positive, authentic life.  And each of these areas have contributed to my weight gain.  As I've slipped away from parts of who I am, and the good habits that embody them, I've turned to crummy habits like emotional eating and smoking and avoidance.  As I return again to who I am and how I want to express myself, I choose healthy habits to make even daily life a more true expression.  And there are the more public dreams, like writing and hosting retreats, where what I believe and how I live will be more visible.

self portrait Sunday: overwhelm

plumbing repairs throughout our apartment building have rendered some 

holes in the ceiling, layers of dust, sniffles, inconvenience and rearranged stuff in our little home.

kiddo doesn't seem to mind, and chimes right in adding his own mayhem to the mix

"Mommy, I'm an Angry Bird!"

the Christmas tree is up, a little beacon of love, light, and hope 

Little N's daddy showed up with wrapped presents to add to the festiveness

(a few more things for the workmen to navigate and coat with dust)

my table is a clutter-magnet with forms to complete, bills to pay, correspondence to reply to, documents to file or shred and general "where should this go? drop it on the table for now…" mess

which is to say I'm tired and overwhelmed and nothing is perfect or tidy or at my fingertips and everything looks like another chore to do or simply out of my control

and all these projects feel like dead ends in the labyrinth to what I really want to be doing, 

the good work that my heart would really be in, some heartfelt vocation beyond 

day-job, housework, parenting, sanity

but Little N is happy and oblivious to Mommy's drama

L and I have called a truce (again), so maybe we'll be able to talk to each other 

without it exploding into harsh voices and an upset Little N,

there's fresh coffee brewing,

and plenty of places to start in making things right in my little world and plenty to let go of.

self portrait Saturday: Mommy gets out!

geekalicious, right? 

I was just thinking that it's been ages since I've been to a play - and that getting out to artsy stuff was once a regular highlight of my nights.  Then our Beloved Miss A invited me to this:

10 Days to Happiness: One Woman's Hilariously Tortured Search for Enlightenment

The play itself was fairly predictable but getting out and doing something different was a real treat.  And our Beloved Miss A is always good company.

I've recognized, these days, that I'm angry and jealous that L gets to do what he wants he when he wants now that we're separated.  I'm the single mom and he's the renewed bachelor.  Which means more of my time is focused on parenting than on myself and my interests.  I'm not working out or developing my hobbies or getting out to artsy Seattle because I'm home with Little N.  So I arrange my outings for when Little N is with L or the beloved babysitter and I savor the experiences and relationships in the moments that I have.

It's not quantitatively fair.  But something qualitative is working for me.  I miss my boy when he's off with has dad, even though I simultaneously cherish the hours to clean the apartment, read, sit in front of  HULU, catch up on FB.   I show up and deeply value the time together with my friends for book group, or a supper date after work, or creating ritual.  The constraints on my time and attention is reinforcing the value of these moments of connection.  For that much, I can relax, experience some gratitude, and let my jealousy for L's new life fade, even a little bit, as I start to understand and embrace my new life.

spa treatment

A friend has decided I need a mommy break and is treating me to a visit to Ladywell's.  It's a women's-only spa in my neighborhood.  I have no idea if I like to "spa" (is that a verb?) but I'm happy for a break and ready to try something different.  I hardly know how to just sit still these days.  Looking forward to relaxing in good company.  

gratitude Sunday: robot costumes

from this...

to this!

Historically, Little N does not like Halloween or costumes. We've never pushed the issue and let Halloween be about pumpkin carving.  This weekend, his dad suggested that there might be robot costumes.  That was very exciting!  And we found one!  A yellow Transformers costume.  Little N says it makes him very fast.

witching hour

every workday at 11am I'm jonesing for a cigarette

so today, again, I headed out to my stoop to compose myself over a cup of tea

it didn't work.

 between you, me & the butt can, I broke down had 1 cigarette

Which is to say, I'm addicted.  It tasted lousy but felt terrific.  My blood bubbled and sang within me. The world and my mood brightened.  I was ready to take on my job.  But this can't be true!  Such a bad habit gives such a good response.  I can't let this worst of my unhealthful habits resume.  

What I'm noticing:

A long time ago, I used to think that my body gave me good information and insights about myself, other people, spirit, my decisions...  I had a strong connection to my intuition and experienced that within my body.  But addictions of all sorts (including seemingly little things like sugar and nicotine) skew all that good information, twisting it into vibes and impulses that can't be trusted.  So here's another good reason to get clean of it all ~ I want to trust my body and the useful information that it can convey to me.  

Whole30 day9: grrrr

I really, really, really want a cigarette.

I'm frustrated, angry, and bored at my job and I want a break from this place and what we do here.  I want an occupation that matches my vocation (& I want some confidence as to what exactly that may be).  I want out of a sales environment.  I want in to something that engages my whole mind and my heart.  In the absence of smoking I want lollipops, M&Ms, gum...  Instead I'm grazing on pea pods.

What I'm noticing:

Yup, squelch those unruly thoughts and emotions with food.  Because there's no time or space right now to solve practical problems or dream new ways of living.  Nose to the grindstone, my time is not my own, let's see some productivity for these hours at the office.

What I'm doing:

I made a fresh cup of tea and headed out to my stoop by the butt can.  I gave myself a few moments to think my own thoughts and calm down.  One of the smoking clique members joined me and we chatted and laughed a little.  Somewhat restored, I came back in to my desk.

What's true:

Is that there are healthy and worse ways to experience emotions and thoughts, even big ones.  And I do get to choose what to do once I feel a particular feeling.  It's ok to feel it.  For me, it's good to feel it, even when it's uncomfortable.  And even in a place that feels unsupportive at times I can find my niche and nooks of security to pause for a few minutes and recognize the feelings.  Maybe jot them down to be wrangled with later.  But I can do this without hurting myself with food that does me only harm not health.  Because I want to live healthy both in regards to my feelings and to my food.

gratitude Sunday: simplicity

clean tidy kitchen

fresh flowers & fresh laundry

missing my pod

Yesterday's overwhelm passed.

Little N went out with his dad for the afternoon and overnight.  I had some concentrated time to put our place back in clean and tidy order.  Then it was just me.  At first I didn't know what to do with myself.  Then I settled in for a quiet evening of pomegranate and netflix.  Sometimes I can keep things simple.