the final smoke

I smoked my final cigarette today.

Not just the last one in the pack. The last cigarette of my life!  I made sure to enjoy it.  I sat on a rock by the library and just inhaled, exhaled, watched the smoke circle and dance and the ash flutter in the wind.  As health damaging habits go - it was lovely.

I'm working with the recent recognition that my emotions reside in my body.  I need to check in with my body to perceive what I'm feeling and where it is in my body.  Smoking masks some of that, robbing me not only of physical vitality but emotional vitality as well.  I'm bored, sad, tired, stressed, angry, I need to smoke - no!  I need to sit with the feeling a minute.  Locate it in my body.  Jot it down. Carry it gently.  Notice if it brings any other news with it.

Some people smoke to lose weight or maintain a slender size.  But I wonder if quitting smoking might help in my efforts to lose weight.  I'm an emotional eater, just like I'm an emotional smoker, which means I use these devices of food and cigarettes to not feel what I'm feeling.  Maybe eliminating one of these methods can start to open me up to how I feel and I can find some other way/s to experience and express the emotions.  It's going to take vigilance and some sort of strategy, new tools and practices, habits and behaviors to live in my body and in my feelings.  (Thank goodness there's a therapy appointment scheduled for this week….)

last night

This is me, last night.  So I just want to own, out loud, here and now, that the single mom gig has caught up to me.  It's hectic and exhausting and one night this week I actually had second thoughts about separating from L because Little N was being So Very Challenging with a wild meltdown tantrum.  These days are hectic.  These days are hard.  These days my emotions are showing up as stress, anxiety, and something like sadness.  Not all day every day.  And not enough to change course.  Only as part of this transition phase.  I stand by the decision to separate from L.  I stand by forging a renewed bond with Little N.  I stand by my independence and sanity and hope for a better place for me and Little N.

self portrait Saturday: healthfulness renew

pleasantly plump?

I am the most heavy (short of pregnancy) and least healthy (totally unlike my pregnancy) that I've ever been.  Well, years of depression, plus two years of divorce-avoiding-marriage, topped off with the recent weeks of transition have seen me settle for some poor coping methods.  My creature comforts have held me tight in their cozy arms (until they become cemented bad habits).  And I've just turned 39.

In retrospect, 38 got me to the place of mental stability and independence to be able to separate from L.  All of that will continue.  I love Dr. L, my psychiatrist, and am grateful for the work we do together, her knowledge, and sense of humor.  I'm continuing to cultivate friendships and skills that expand my world.  But there's also a real felt need for my own self care - particularly my physical health.  So the focus of 39 is self care and fitness.  (Can you help hold me to it?)

Here I am a few years ago at my most fit.  Regular yoga, nutritious diet, and lots of walking.  This is where I want to be at 40.  Slender and strong.  Bendy. Clear. Calm.  And egads! the work it will take to get there.  I'll start by rising early every morning before Little N is up.  I'll do my meditation and yoga.  Then get him started on his day.  I'll walk to the office from an earlier bus stop.  I'll jog on my lunch break.  I'll stock the fridge and pack my meals with healthful foods.  Oh yeah, I'll quit smoking.  And eating candy.

I know what to do... it's the motivation, will, and energy to do it.  It's the commitment to myself.  It's the ranking my care among the priorities of these days.  It's choosing my best habits as my coping skills.  It's choosing me.  The best habits won't happen every day.  Because sometimes I'll need more sleep or Little N will need more attention or I'll choose social connections, real friendships, over my physical routines.  But most days I think I can do this.  I've done it before, so I know it's possible, now I need to get creative and bend those best habits into forms that fit my new single mom life.  

self portrait Saturday: uniform

My husband is a stay-at-home dad and a good one.  But it's impossible for us to pay all the bills on what I make as an admin at a (perpetual) start-up.  So L has picked up a part-time job at night and I have picked up a number of evenings plus the weekends solo parenting so that L can sleep while I take Little N.  It's rough.  It's very rough.  But once school starts again things will ease up, in terms of L being able to sleep during the day, so we really just need to get through two months of this.  We can do that.  

We're gradually developing our new routine of occupying Little N and providing L with a good sleeping environment.  (Also kind of rough with a small apartment.)  So Little N and I go out. A lot.  Every Saturday morning, and more times besides, we're off to the beach!  

This is me in my summer morning beach uniform of cap, turquoise T, black lightweight capris, and flip flops.  The only thing missing is my ubiquitous cup of coffee.  I'm comfy and ready for anything the sand, surf, and son send at me.

 But single-ish mom isn't the role I would have chosen for myself.  Heck, we all know by now that "Mom" wasn't my plan.  For that matter, "Admin" wasn't my plan either but it's turned out to be the most direct way that I can make money for this little family.  Much as I love our family pod, I need, and want, and get to have (really?  I hope so...) other identities and other good work in the world.

I have a new daydream of what my good work in the world may be.  It's been a long time since I've had a dream like this for myself, so I take it to mean a few things.  One, I'm getting well.  I can imagine something positive and imagine being, bringing, contributing something positive.  That's been a long time coming.  Two, I have to be brave and learn things that are new to me.  And isn't that what the Mom gig has been for me from the beginning.  I know that I can be brave.  I can learn new things.  I can fail & learn & try again.  Three, Compassion.  For others.  For myself.

But what's the new daydream?!  I don't want to jinx it.  Please wait and see as it develops and shows up here.  Wish me luck and all good things!

old friends, new friends

This is Little N and Little C.  

I've known Little C's mom since we were 5 years old.  And now our boys know each other.  

With a little effort and coordination on us moms' part, these two will be old friends someday too.

gratitude Sunday

L caught this photo of me & Little N this morning

Today's gratitude is books.  The big colorful ones that Little N studies and the new classics that line my summer reading list.

I've just discovered a Master's program that I would love to do.  It's called Transforming Spirituality and  it's a great fit for many of my interests.  But another graduate degree isn't viable for me and my family right now.  We just don't have the resources (time and money).

So I've started scouring the internet for ideas on what to be reading and doing instead of this degree.  I've located and printed a number of syllabi from women's spirituality courses and feminism and religion classes.  Then it was on to Goodreads and Amazon for book lists.  Finally a quick stop to the local Goodwill to see if any of my new reading material appeared on their shelves.  And a few did!

The next months, and years, will include lots of reading.  But there's more as well.  As resources become more flexible I'd like to find a spiritual director or maybe even do the SEEL program and maybe through them become trained as a spiritual director.

There's plenty of time to explore more options for direction and directing.  Mostly what I'm excited about is having some clarity about the direction and commitment I want to make.  I talked to L about this plan and he was engaged and supportive.  Not because this is his sort of interest, it's not.  But because it is a good match for what I'm about and what we as a family can support in a real way - that still engages me.  I'm not on pause.  I'm on "diy."  And it feels pretty good.

self portrait Saturday: an aspiration

I'm expanding exponentially
I am consciousness without identity

- Ani DiFranco "Alla This"

I'm participating in two very different groups these days, a Christian small group at the local Methodist church and a Pagan group that gathers in various homes.  In each group we're reading a book related to the spirituality of the respective community.  As I read these books I'm seeing more commonality shared between the two faiths than might be immediately expected.  For example, common values include: interdependence, anti-consumerism, community building, ecology, and the immanence of the divine.

I used to say that being a Pagan made me a better Christian.  It's trite but I think these areas of spiritual overlap are part of why that is true. With the support of my Pagan practice and Pagan community, I'm stepping out from under the shadow of Christian religion and the laying down the baggage I've collected living in the place.  Lighter, freer, more in touch with my own soul, I can seek and follow the example and message of Jesus.

As I start to recognize and confess an eclectic spirituality I'm encouraged and strengthened by these spiritual but not strictly religious values.  I want to grow into a person of wisdom, moral character, and a closeness with spirit.  These elements transcend a particular religion.  The religions then function as metaphors and tools for engaging and developing the qualities, relationships, and understanding that I desire.  The religions and their practices serve spirit rather than casting spirit in the mold of a given religion.

the world is not a bad place

steeple with a church

"Look!  a steeple!"  We have walked past this church countless times in the year since we moved to this neighborhood.  We've talked about it in reference to the blue steeple that rises up from it.  So when, after studying their website (http://www.woodlandparkumc.org/) we decided to visit on Sunday, we told Little N we were finally going in the building with the steeple.  He declared it, the steeple with a church.  

And we liked it.  

I was first impressed by their work in the community.  It's a small congregation with lots of personality but probably not a lot of resources.  Even so, what they have is shared with folks in need and with a view to justice and sustenance.  A lot of this work is conveyed on their website, but what I needed to hear and to see is what they were like on Sunday morning.

The sermon was smart, balanced, contextualized the Scripture passage, conveyed a message relevant to us today.  The people were very welcoming, eager to greet new faces, and chat with us - and seemed to share that same warmth with everyone in the space.  I didn't experience any instant connections or feel like I found my niche socially, but Little N joined right in at the kids table during coffee hour!  He even gnawed on a piece of banana like the other kids, something he never does at home!

My dad always said you need to try a new place 3 times before you make a decision about it.  So far I like what these people are about, I like that they are in my immediate neighborhood and do good work here, my next question is do I and our family fit there.  (Will I make any new friends?  Will we become regulars, seen and heard, seeing and hearing, there?  Can I be part of the good work?)  I am hoping for connection and looking for my role in connecting.

self-portrait Sunday: reinvention

once upon a time I was special

today I am ordinary

In my college years, overwhelmed with all the theories at school, the religion of my family and school, the grief and confusion of my family after my father's death, I cemented myself in the notion that if a given idea didn't work for "ordinary people" then it wasn't worth anything.  Over the years, I shucked off much of what made me special, and stripped my life down to an "ordinary person." 

In many ways my life today is 100% the life I never wanted.  I have a husband and a child, rather than the freedom of singleness.  I have financial responsibilities for this family rather than just the risks or security for myself.  I work a day job.  First as an assistant.  Now in sales.  I live in a generic, off-white walls, carpeted apartment behind a shopping plaza.  I have no socio-political action in my regular routine.  I've given up protests, letter writing campaigns, and even volunteering.  Writing classes and book binding workshops are a distant memory.  I work a job.  Tend my family.  Sleep. Rise to do it again.  My 20-year old self is cringing.

In ways that matter to me today, my life is exactly what I value. I have a partner I can rely on.  When postpartum depression stunned me, L was there to show me how to mother, and later to take over as primary caregiver when I went back to work.  I love Little N, who is a bright light, teacher, and playmate to me.  I live a simple, affordable lifestyle.  I share moments of resonance with a few really special people.  I am reconnected to family and relatives, something I never anticipated.  I have rooted myself in love and time.  Time with the folks I love.  Something I consider an important part of my father's legacy and a value I hold as my own.  But all this sums to an ordinary life.

I miss my own specialness.  I miss creating.  I miss believing.  I miss knowledge and connections and expression.  That's why "my time" is so important to me right now.  How will I inhabit that time?  What will I do with those precious minutes that will resurrect and strengthen my gift, my work?  What are the tasks and practice to my achievement?

It's too bittersweet to be rock bottom or a rude awakening.  This is simply an awakening.  One of those events that we are graced with from time to time in life.  That nudge from one route and collection of practices and people into another.  Everything in my life up until this point has brought me here and prepared me for what's next.  My morning pages sketch a path and now it's my turn, my time, and my effort to do the work.

self-portrait Saturday & thoughts on being an Autism family

2 new tomatoes from our balcony garden!

This afternoon Little N is going to his first birthday party.  His friend Little D is turning 3.  Little N has been staying with Little D and his mom Miss K since L started full time work a couple weeks ago.  It's been great for Little N! 

Since being with Little D and K, our Little N has started wearing pull-ups and regained his curiosity about the potty.  He's eaten a lollipop, lick by lick, over a few days.  He's tried licks of whipped cream and hot dog.  He's eaten carrot babyfood tucked into his applesauce.  

More than any of that, he's built a new set of relationships with Little D and his parents.  He trusts Miss K and happily goes on mini-adventures with her and Little D during their days together.  He laughs and is excited to see Little D's daddy, B.

So today's party has lots of ingredients that could make it successful for Little N.  He knows the house and the key people.  But it also holds challenges.  Little N really struggles with groups of people, children or adults.  Lately we're seeing new behaviors appear when he is stressed.  He'll come to me and clutch chunks of my hair.  His words evaporate and he reverts to pointing and grunting.  He acts out in quiet ways like putting sand on himself or eating it.  New odd behaviors that make the stress of socializing apparent - even as they make it harder for him to socialize.  

L and I have already chatted about being aware to notice any signs that kiddo is stressed.  We'll do what we can to mitigate it.  And we're content to leave early and go someplace easier for Little N if necessary.  

Being an Autism family means changing our expectations about many of the things that society - in the real life form of friends and family - take for granted and accept with predetermined meanings as positive or negative.  For example, a birthday party is happy, positive event, that the kids will enjoy. 

Sometimes being an Autism family means simply being different.  We might sit with Little N and let him work out his feelings in his own odd behavior for a little while.  We might sit in the sand pile and get good & sandy.  We might sign with him when his words fall away.  And I'm learning that maybe there's room in society, in the real life form of friends and family, for a kid to be different, for our family to be different, and still be invited to the party.

adventure tastes! or "Our Christmas Miracle"

Daddy's beef ramen at the Japanese restaurant around the corner

I cannot believe this! Kiddo is really tasting the broth!
Where is this new-found curiosity & adventure coming from?

Whoo! Let's do it again!
And he did - over and over and over.

unexpected puzzling beautiful

I've never seen a seed turn color in the fall like this one.
What does it mean?

complete me

The prompt for this week's Wishcasting Wednesday is:

What do you wish to complete?

the found-cardboard stitching project
that's been lingering for 2 years

the website that I started composing in May

the process to publish my masters thesis
that I've been dawdling in for months

Master's Thesis in Whole Systems Design
Out of the Attic: Leveraging Women's Experience of Otherness in the Evangelical Christian Church

the plan for my family's financial future
that I promised myself would be done in January 09

Last week I wrote myself a note to "choose & commit" to a few key projects. Something for me personally. Something for our family. This Wishcasting prompted me to meet that challenge that I'd set for myself. Now I know where I want to start and I have an inkling of what to do next for each project. Thank you!

Wishcasting Wednesday is a weekly practice prompted by Jamie of Jamie Ridler Studios. Join in! & tend your wishes true.

s-p-a-c-e

The prompt for this week's Wishcasting Wednesday is:
What luxury do you wish for?

S P A C E

I'm craving weeks (months?) in a cabin by the sea. Alone. Wind & surf. Sand & shells. Sweep clean my mind & heart & soul. Roll in the rhythms. Open myself to the vast from here to the horizon; from beach up into the clouds. Remember into myself the fresh salty form of infancy; of my own gestation. Restore my soul.

Wishcasting Wednesday is a weekly practice prompted by Jamie of Jamie Ridler Studios. Join in! & tend your wishes true.