raising a spiritually conscious child

I'm perpetually wondering about and wrestling with 

how to share the spiritual aspects of life with Little N.

no peeking...

We've tried a couple different churches, which he loathed and resisted, and even dharma school, which was a hit this summer, faded away as Little N started enjoying Sunday mornings at his dad's place.  How do I want and choose to tend my son's spirituality?  In the absence of a worship community, who can help me?

Growing up as an Evangelical Christian, my family did a lot to develop my Christian consciousness.  In addition to Sunday worship at church, there was attendance at a Christian elementary school for some years, weekly Pioneer Girls (think Christian Girl Scouts), and nightly Bible stories, prayer, and praise songs before bed.  As a teen, Pioneer Girls was replaced with Bible Study and Youth Group.  But always there was some group activity and relationships participating in my development.

As an adult, I've largely stepped away from Evangelical Christianity and adopted a more spiritual-but-not-religious approach to my faith, with pagan leanings.  This is rich and meaningful to me, but leaves me at a loss, I feel, for how to share a vibrant, lived spirituality with my son.  With no community with whom to share this good work, I'm seeking alternatives on my own.  To that end, I've ordered the following three books, in hopes for some cues and clues along the way:

I first saw Peaceful Piggy Meditation in a therapist's waiting room and wanted to steal it!  (I didn't.)  It offered such a simple clear way to start meditating with this totally non-threatening little pig.  Piggy makes it look easy, do-able even.  I've thought of the book several times since then and finally decided to purchase my own copy to share with Little N.

Sitting Still Like a Frog came up to view as I searched for the Piggy.  Written to parents, I'm optimistic that it can be one of my guides in teaching Little N mindfulness, that I hope will help him to manage and process the big emotions that seem to come with Autism.  Also, I need help with mindfulness.

Finally, The Earth Child's Handbook speaks to my pagan interests.  It offers crafts, recipes, coloring pages, inspiration and information that I can share with Little N about respecting and dwelling in the in the natural world.  I don't expect that everything in this book will speak to me, but I think it will give us enough material to play with spirit together.

A note on Christianity: I feel like I'm recovering from years in Evangelical Christian culture.  But that is not the same thing, to me, as the person, life, and message of the Christ.  In my spirituality there is plenty of room for meditation, mindfulness, and even pagan awareness in concert with Christ.  So while I (try to) remain open to Christianity, the packaging tends to turn me away from it, and makes it hard for me to find open, vibrant, true ways to share Christ with my son.  I will say, that Mima sent Little N a Christian book about kindness and he loves it.  We read it most nights.  It's offered us an excellent place to start.

the art of being annoyed

Between you and me, I have a coworker that really bugs me.

Actually, there's more than one that really bugs me.  And when I get bugged, I go out for a cigarette.  It's as if I don't know how to be annoyed.  In fact, I'm often annoyed.  I'm a seething kettle of anger and annoyance.  But what to do with all that emotion?  How do other people just sit still with it all bubbling and toiling inside of them?

I'm lousy at feeling and dealing with anger.  I'm one of those unfortunate folks who bottles it all up until it explodes in a great toxic wave of harsh words unwarranted by that tiny last straw that tipped the scales of my self control.  If I'm going to quit smoking (when & in order to quit smoking) I'm going to have to learn how to be angerrry.  To sit at my desk and let the annoying coworker(s) run his spiel and move along.  Maybe I could move him along a little faster with a not so subtle, "I'm sorta busy right now."  Or I could jot my big emotions in my little day planner, "Pissed at that so-and-so!"  Or maybe a quick walk without the cigarette would do it.  But ultimately I need to learn how to feel angry and move the heck on.

So far, I've got a pack of cigarettes in my top desk drawer.  Just in case you-know-who drops by.

birthday selfie for mom

dreams in storage… for 2014

I read somewhere that "excess weight is dreams in storage"

In the last 2-ish years I've gained a plump amount of weight that I'd like to shed.  So I'm approaching that weight loss from two angles - my heart and my body.  What dreams are ready to be realized?  What work am I ready to do for those dreams?  What work am I ready to do for my body to resume a healthy-for-me weight?  I'm using Leonie Dawson's 2014 Create Your Amazing Year: Life & Biz Edition Workbook to help me sift through the dreams and the work to achieve them.

Here are some of the dreams I'm working to realize in the coming year:

• Hosting half-day retreats for busy women.  
• This will be a joint venture with a good friend who is a Spiritual Director.  We've got lots of ideas!  Now to set them into motion.
• Experiencing my emotions in healthier ways.  
• As in, not overeating and smoking as a way to deal with how I feel.  Maybe journal them - even jotting a couple notes in my day-planner during a work day, taking a walk, going to the spa, talking about my feelings with the much-loved-therapist. 
• Practice healthful habits - that also promote weight loss.  
• So, eating nutritiously, not overeating, walking, jogging, yoga, tending my body with love, all kinds of good stuff that used to be my own good habits.
• Develop a good divorce and shared parenting with L.  
• We will begin drafting a Parenting Plan this evening.
• Resume writing.  
• Starting with a regular journalling practice and maybe changing how & how often I write here on the blog.

Maybe not so much the big public dreams of success and recognition but significant to me in terms of living a vibrant, positive, authentic life.  And each of these areas have contributed to my weight gain.  As I've slipped away from parts of who I am, and the good habits that embody them, I've turned to crummy habits like emotional eating and smoking and avoidance.  As I return again to who I am and how I want to express myself, I choose healthy habits to make even daily life a more true expression.  And there are the more public dreams, like writing and hosting retreats, where what I believe and how I live will be more visible.

self portrait Sunday: overwhelm

plumbing repairs throughout our apartment building have rendered some 

holes in the ceiling, layers of dust, sniffles, inconvenience and rearranged stuff in our little home.

kiddo doesn't seem to mind, and chimes right in adding his own mayhem to the mix

"Mommy, I'm an Angry Bird!"

the Christmas tree is up, a little beacon of love, light, and hope 

Little N's daddy showed up with wrapped presents to add to the festiveness

(a few more things for the workmen to navigate and coat with dust)

my table is a clutter-magnet with forms to complete, bills to pay, correspondence to reply to, documents to file or shred and general "where should this go? drop it on the table for now…" mess

which is to say I'm tired and overwhelmed and nothing is perfect or tidy or at my fingertips and everything looks like another chore to do or simply out of my control

and all these projects feel like dead ends in the labyrinth to what I really want to be doing, 

the good work that my heart would really be in, some heartfelt vocation beyond 

day-job, housework, parenting, sanity

but Little N is happy and oblivious to Mommy's drama

L and I have called a truce (again), so maybe we'll be able to talk to each other 

without it exploding into harsh voices and an upset Little N,

there's fresh coffee brewing,

and plenty of places to start in making things right in my little world and plenty to let go of.

self portrait Sunday

I've been away from this space for a while.  And while I sort of miss it, my real life is calling for my attention a little more intensely right now and not allowing as much time for an on-line life.  Holidays plus divorcing have rendered a little more stress and transitioning than I had initially anticipated.  So please keep us in mind as one of those families navigating big changes and big feelings this season.

In the spirit of gratitude I also want to give thanks for a fun, funny, and productive visit with Mima (my mom) over the week of Thanksgiving.  Little N got lots of attention and did some new creative projects with her while I was at the office Monday - Wednesday.  She cleaned, organized, and supplemented my kitchen with new cookware.  We had about one day to ourselves for more household projects that I never would have gotten to on my own.  I am so grateful to have had another adult around, one who loves my Little N, and with whom I can work on projects pretty darn smoothly.

self portrait Saturday: Mommy gets out!

geekalicious, right? 

I was just thinking that it's been ages since I've been to a play - and that getting out to artsy stuff was once a regular highlight of my nights.  Then our Beloved Miss A invited me to this:

10 Days to Happiness: One Woman's Hilariously Tortured Search for Enlightenment

The play itself was fairly predictable but getting out and doing something different was a real treat.  And our Beloved Miss A is always good company.

I've recognized, these days, that I'm angry and jealous that L gets to do what he wants he when he wants now that we're separated.  I'm the single mom and he's the renewed bachelor.  Which means more of my time is focused on parenting than on myself and my interests.  I'm not working out or developing my hobbies or getting out to artsy Seattle because I'm home with Little N.  So I arrange my outings for when Little N is with L or the beloved babysitter and I savor the experiences and relationships in the moments that I have.

It's not quantitatively fair.  But something qualitative is working for me.  I miss my boy when he's off with has dad, even though I simultaneously cherish the hours to clean the apartment, read, sit in front of  HULU, catch up on FB.   I show up and deeply value the time together with my friends for book group, or a supper date after work, or creating ritual.  The constraints on my time and attention is reinforcing the value of these moments of connection.  For that much, I can relax, experience some gratitude, and let my jealousy for L's new life fade, even a little bit, as I start to understand and embrace my new life.

self portrait Saturday: post-spa glow

I love to spa

 I feel relaxed and refreshed.  I very much enjoyed the good company of Ms. M.  I will do this again.

stress

I am not myself.  I am over tired from nights of waking up and waking up again every couple hours.  Nothing in particular on mind just a feeling that bolts me alert for a moment.  I feel overwhelmed and defeated.  There's very little rest these days.

It's the stress of not-enough-money and no signs of more coming.  It's an amicable divorce gone tense and stilted.  It's full time caring for someone else, a little someone whom I love, that renders little time for caring for me in healthful, strengthening, soulful ways.  It's a stress that clouds the future until there isn't one, there's only today's challenges and fatigue.

My psychiatrist, whom I love, has added a sleep aid to my collection of meds.  I'm reluctant to take it.  I'm reluctant to add another prescription to my litany of daily medications.  I want to be healed, happy, and whole.  I want to be off of the meds and standing on my own.

I try to remember to treat myself and to talk to myself the way I would a much loved friend.  This is a phase of the divorce.  This is an adjustment to my daily life with Little N and now his beloved babysitter too.  The self care starts in my head where I must practice encouragement and patience.  There will again be hopes and dreams.  There still are bright funny friends to share my life with even if not as one partner.

And there is this bright funny little man, trying on our new life with me.  

self portrait Saturday: Whole30 so far

no miracles, but my rings fit comfortably now, and slide on and off easily

the stiffness in my spine and post-baby-right-hip have lessened, and I've lost 5 lbs.  

a nice beginning. 

 in less nice news, tensions are rising in the divorce

we struggle, I think, to keep Little N's well being at front and center 

as we navigate egos, emotions & expectations

I don't have any answers for that today. Today, I'm tired, angry and sad about it all.

Little N continues to be a bright light. 

Whole30 day9: grrrr

I really, really, really want a cigarette.

I'm frustrated, angry, and bored at my job and I want a break from this place and what we do here.  I want an occupation that matches my vocation (& I want some confidence as to what exactly that may be).  I want out of a sales environment.  I want in to something that engages my whole mind and my heart.  In the absence of smoking I want lollipops, M&Ms, gum...  Instead I'm grazing on pea pods.

What I'm noticing:

Yup, squelch those unruly thoughts and emotions with food.  Because there's no time or space right now to solve practical problems or dream new ways of living.  Nose to the grindstone, my time is not my own, let's see some productivity for these hours at the office.

What I'm doing:

I made a fresh cup of tea and headed out to my stoop by the butt can.  I gave myself a few moments to think my own thoughts and calm down.  One of the smoking clique members joined me and we chatted and laughed a little.  Somewhat restored, I came back in to my desk.

What's true:

Is that there are healthy and worse ways to experience emotions and thoughts, even big ones.  And I do get to choose what to do once I feel a particular feeling.  It's ok to feel it.  For me, it's good to feel it, even when it's uncomfortable.  And even in a place that feels unsupportive at times I can find my niche and nooks of security to pause for a few minutes and recognize the feelings.  Maybe jot them down to be wrangled with later.  But I can do this without hurting myself with food that does me only harm not health.  Because I want to live healthy both in regards to my feelings and to my food.

Whole30 Saturday afternoon treat

The laundry is drying, the toys are put away, the kitchen is clean, the floor is vacuumed, groceries are purchased, Little N is off with his dad, and it's time for a treat for me.  

Veronica Red Alstroemeria

self portrait Saturday: single mom Saturday morning

kiddo's construction zone - the galley is closed

another sinkful of dirty dishes

overflow of compost

& garbage

kiddo's nest beside my bed (ok, that's cute & cozy)

I'm tired again before I've woken up

once upon a time Saturday morning was a calm before the storm of weekend activity.  

now it holds a storm of housework - that just isn't kept up with during the week.  

Whole30 Friday night munchies

There's no "cheating" or "treats" on Whole30.  Ack!  What happened to Friday night pizza and beer?!

It's become fresh red raspberries.

look Ma, no smokes!

comfy on my stoop with a hot cup of Moroccan Mint tea

no cigarettes for 7 days

meanwhile my gal pal, B, flaunts her smokingness at me

 

she's too cool

Whole30 Day 1 & 2

Here is some of what I ate on Day 1 of my Whole30.

I ate a lot!  Apples, almonds, sugar snap peas, a yam, green tea, boiled eggs, steamed asparagus, delicata squash, sautéed kale with pepper, onion, & garlic.  More green tea.  Melon, banana.

I noticed a couple of things:

1) I was heavy on the fruit.  Cuz I am heavy on SWEETS!  So I'm glad to have recognized that early in the month and start adding more veggies immediately.

2) I depend on food to manage my emotions - in a not-healthful way.  Now all my comfort foods (and addictions - goodbye cigarettes, goodbye gum) are stripped away leaving me alone with how I feel.  Sometimes I feel great, so there's that.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, alone, not-quite-good-enough, sad, grieving, pissed off, bored... and these are the times when having a handy helping of ______________ (insert comfort food) would seem to make a difference.  Instead I get to sit with my feelings - through a work day, or doing chores at home, or putting Little N to bed, or in those few hours alone while I have childcare.

What to do with all of these feelings?  Write about them.  Move them - dance, jog, walk, yoga.  Illustrate them - paint, collage, doodle.  Talk about them - call or email a friend.

Here I am on Day 2 (today!)

Ooooh, so dramatic!  But really it's just that I'm under an umbrella in a classic Seattle grey rainy morning waiting for the bus.  And sort of feeling under the weather as well.  In fact, I nearly went home "sick."

I felt lousy this morning.  Exhausted and achey all over my entire body.  As if I'd done some kind of cross-fit power lifting workout the likes of which I have no plans to ever do.  I've been sipping on green tea non-stop but it seems to lack the punch of my usual 4-6 (I know, I KNOW) cups of coffee with milk.  I broke down and hit up the local food co-op for some unsweetened coconut milk and dumped some into a hot cup of coffee.  Not Awesome.  But better than black coffee or no coffee at all.  I am awake again!  I can think again!  My body does not ache any more.

Here's what I'm noticing:

1) I am WAY addicted to coffee.  I'm not sure what I want to do about that right now.  I expect that I'll try to cut back; 4-6 cups does seem excessive, especially since I'm also taking Adderall twice a day which is another stimulant.

2) Moving my body helps everything.  Today I walked to and from and appointment just over a mile from where I work.  Walking there, with my "sick" aching body was slow and difficult but it also worked out some of the stiffness.  The walk back was much smoother and a little quicker pace.  So I have some movement goals for this month: Walk to the office from a far bus stop 5 mornings/week (1.2 miles), jog/walk at lunch 5 days a week (2 miles), practice yoga 3 mornings per week (30 minutes).

The first week is supposed to be the hardest.  Most exhausting, achey, craving week of the 30 days.  If I can keep noticing what's working and what's not along the way, I think I've got a chance at making it the entire month.  Up for tonight - more cooking - protein and produce.

self portrait Saturday: getting ready

This is the big pre-Whole30 weekend where I shop for fine protein and fresh produce.

And not much more than that. 

What I didn't expect, and actually really like, is this goal setting aspect to the program.  It expands the program beyond a simple (& tough!) diet to include more positive behaviors (my best habits) in more areas of my life.  It also should, maybe, give me places to focus besides on what I'm not eating and to look for positive changes due to what I am eating and choosing to do.

1!

It's 11:39am and I have had 1 (ONE!) cigarette today so far.  

Goal is to keep it to that.  And drink lots of coffee.  I am CAFFEINATED.

Kind healthy reformed smoker coworker has recommended that I take up eating sunflower seeds to give my mouth something to do while I quit smoking.  Kind of like the chewing gum I'm gnawing right now but without the annihilation of my sense of taste (which the gum seems to affect). 

And we are 4 days away from the start of my Whole30.  

Which means quitting my beloved coffee, since I require it with milk, & switching to gallons of green tea.  

I'm sure that's totally what they intended. 

54 pieces!

Well, I mostly quit smoking.  

I had 4 cigarettes yesterday.  I came into the office this morning ready to tear into 54 pieces of

cinnamon-y cigarette-resisting chain-chewing goodness.  

But then the day really hit me.  

I bummed a smoke off of a co-worker.  He's a generous man and gave me two.  

So that's 2 cigarettes for the entire day.  I raced outside for the first one and am zealously guarding the remaining stick of filthy cancer-ridden addiction-appeasing badness.

I only started smoking (this time around) in the summer.
It's been years since I smoked regularly.
But this stuff just seeps into all the little cracks rendered by stress & fatigue & glues you back together.

Until it doesn't.  

quitter!

this is me after smoking the last cigarette in my last pack

this is my heroic solution

And in 6 (SIX) days I'm starting a Whole30 with my sister.  For the month of October we are sticking to a strict plan of whole foods, minus gluten, dairy, beans... Wish us luck!