our books are here!

Our new books have arrived and I'm very happy to explore them.  

It will take some effort on my part to practice what's in the books with Little N, 

but the material is there to dive into.

from the Earth Child's Handbook - a moon phases wheel

Lots of activities like mobiles, recipes for clay, paint, and treats, coloring pages, dot-to-dot, and more.

from Peaceful Piggy Meditation - "They try to be loving and kind to all beings."

A gentle story about what meditation creates in a piggy's life 

and a couple of exercises to practice meditation with Little N. 

from Sitting Still Like a Frog - four faces of big emotions

A good one for me to read about mindfulness

and a CD with some exercises to practice with Little N.

Now to find the nooks and crannies of time for reading and practicing together. 

raising a spiritually conscious child

I'm perpetually wondering about and wrestling with 

how to share the spiritual aspects of life with Little N.

no peeking...

We've tried a couple different churches, which he loathed and resisted, and even dharma school, which was a hit this summer, faded away as Little N started enjoying Sunday mornings at his dad's place.  How do I want and choose to tend my son's spirituality?  In the absence of a worship community, who can help me?

Growing up as an Evangelical Christian, my family did a lot to develop my Christian consciousness.  In addition to Sunday worship at church, there was attendance at a Christian elementary school for some years, weekly Pioneer Girls (think Christian Girl Scouts), and nightly Bible stories, prayer, and praise songs before bed.  As a teen, Pioneer Girls was replaced with Bible Study and Youth Group.  But always there was some group activity and relationships participating in my development.

As an adult, I've largely stepped away from Evangelical Christianity and adopted a more spiritual-but-not-religious approach to my faith, with pagan leanings.  This is rich and meaningful to me, but leaves me at a loss, I feel, for how to share a vibrant, lived spirituality with my son.  With no community with whom to share this good work, I'm seeking alternatives on my own.  To that end, I've ordered the following three books, in hopes for some cues and clues along the way:

I first saw Peaceful Piggy Meditation in a therapist's waiting room and wanted to steal it!  (I didn't.)  It offered such a simple clear way to start meditating with this totally non-threatening little pig.  Piggy makes it look easy, do-able even.  I've thought of the book several times since then and finally decided to purchase my own copy to share with Little N.

Sitting Still Like a Frog came up to view as I searched for the Piggy.  Written to parents, I'm optimistic that it can be one of my guides in teaching Little N mindfulness, that I hope will help him to manage and process the big emotions that seem to come with Autism.  Also, I need help with mindfulness.

Finally, The Earth Child's Handbook speaks to my pagan interests.  It offers crafts, recipes, coloring pages, inspiration and information that I can share with Little N about respecting and dwelling in the in the natural world.  I don't expect that everything in this book will speak to me, but I think it will give us enough material to play with spirit together.

A note on Christianity: I feel like I'm recovering from years in Evangelical Christian culture.  But that is not the same thing, to me, as the person, life, and message of the Christ.  In my spirituality there is plenty of room for meditation, mindfulness, and even pagan awareness in concert with Christ.  So while I (try to) remain open to Christianity, the packaging tends to turn me away from it, and makes it hard for me to find open, vibrant, true ways to share Christ with my son.  I will say, that Mima sent Little N a Christian book about kindness and he loves it.  We read it most nights.  It's offered us an excellent place to start.

not quite… & yet

I have a few confessions to make.

I've been smoking.  Not the half pack a day that I was up to, but, yeah, smoking.  Last week I smoked a total of 3 cigarettes all week.  I was Awesome!  This week I smoked 1 complete pack.  I Suck!

And the great success of Little N's new room… not exactly.  It's turned into me sleeping on the floor next to his bed, at least until he falls asleep.  I usually doze off as well and wake up stiff and achy after a couple hours on the floor, rouse myself enough to get to my room, and fall back to sleep in my own bed.

And my health kick for the new year is more like one massive trigger to overeat.  I mean, I have cookies baking in the oven right now and I'm the only one that's going to eat them.  I haven't been keeping to any of my health, nutrition, and fitness intentions.

But there's this great little Pagan-Christian hybrid holiday coming up which is perfect for situations like this one I've sunken myself into.

Imbolc (or Candlemas or St. Brigid's Day) is a holiday about recognizing the early signs of spring, the longer reach of sunlight into our days being key among them.  I've also observed it as a holiday about human creativity like art and poetry or even entrepreneurial endeavors.  Imbolc marks the transition from winter into spring.  It is where we step from a season of hibernation into the new season of action. The seeds start stirring in the physical world around us and within the worlds of our own lives.

So, it's a perfect time for me to map out meal plans and grocery lists, set the alarm clock a little earlier for morning workouts, and continue to quit smoking.  I set an intention for this year and now that the season of action is upon us, with the encouragement of sunlight and the coming spring to accompany me, I'm trying again.  I'm marking out in the physical world a sense of self I claim in my internal world - nonsmoker, healthy, active, engaged, emotionally and spiritually present.

I've been thinking a lot lately of how I feel my emotions in my body.  Mostly in my gut but sometimes in my chest or a parched mouth or an aching head….  Of course, I shut that all down with a bag of Doritos or a couple Dove squares or a simple cigarette.  I'm thinking about all that presence that I'm avoiding through the way that I treat my body.  And I'm wondering if my spirituality is in my body as well.  The messages, the inspiration, the prayers, and the presence, is all in my body.  How do I want to treat the medium of discernment and meaning in my own life?  How do I want to behave and be with the people that I engage with throughout a given day?  Coming home to my own emotions and spirituality happens when I come home to and tend my own body.

I lived January as another month of hibernation.  Pondering.  Experimenting.  But not committing to the intentions of my year.  Imbolc offers another opportunity and the good company of the natural world to actively participate in my own embodiment physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Little N's (re)New(ed) Room

Ever since L moved out, Little N has been sleeping in my room.  We made a nest for him next to my bed.  It's a clutter of pillows, afghans, plush pals, and random toys (beside my own clutter of afghans, pillows, and pjs).  Each night we'd chat, maybe have a story, or I'd simply listen to him talk to himself, processing the events of his day out loud.  It was nice to be together that way every evening.  But it's been 5 months of having a roommate and now that Little N is 6 (SIX!) it seemed time for him to move back into his own room.   

Our beloved Miss A had the idea to brighten up Little N's room with twinkle lights on the ceiling!  I climbed up on a chair and she handed me tacks as we spun a spiral of light together.  It's beautiful.  Miss A also thought we might make the bed more of a nest by tucking it up against the corner of the wall.  Then we piled up the pillows and blankets that coziness requires.

Little N came home from his dad's to this terrific surprise.  He loves his "new" room!  He immediately wanted me to lower the window blinds so that just the little lights brightened the space.  He set to work arranging furniture and had me drag his little red table back in from the living room.  Then we played being neighbors, he in his "home" and me in mine - our separate rooms with doors closed for knocking on - and made visits to each other's personal spaces.    

I wasn't sure how the first night was going to go.  Would he actually sleep in his room alone?  We read some books and chatted.  I scratched his back.  Then he snuggled down into his new nest.  He slept soundly through the night and it took great effort to rouse him in the morning.  Success.    

dreams in storage… for 2014

I read somewhere that "excess weight is dreams in storage"

In the last 2-ish years I've gained a plump amount of weight that I'd like to shed.  So I'm approaching that weight loss from two angles - my heart and my body.  What dreams are ready to be realized?  What work am I ready to do for those dreams?  What work am I ready to do for my body to resume a healthy-for-me weight?  I'm using Leonie Dawson's 2014 Create Your Amazing Year: Life & Biz Edition Workbook to help me sift through the dreams and the work to achieve them.

Here are some of the dreams I'm working to realize in the coming year:

• Hosting half-day retreats for busy women.  
• This will be a joint venture with a good friend who is a Spiritual Director.  We've got lots of ideas!  Now to set them into motion.
• Experiencing my emotions in healthier ways.  
• As in, not overeating and smoking as a way to deal with how I feel.  Maybe journal them - even jotting a couple notes in my day-planner during a work day, taking a walk, going to the spa, talking about my feelings with the much-loved-therapist. 
• Practice healthful habits - that also promote weight loss.  
• So, eating nutritiously, not overeating, walking, jogging, yoga, tending my body with love, all kinds of good stuff that used to be my own good habits.
• Develop a good divorce and shared parenting with L.  
• We will begin drafting a Parenting Plan this evening.
• Resume writing.  
• Starting with a regular journalling practice and maybe changing how & how often I write here on the blog.

Maybe not so much the big public dreams of success and recognition but significant to me in terms of living a vibrant, positive, authentic life.  And each of these areas have contributed to my weight gain.  As I've slipped away from parts of who I am, and the good habits that embody them, I've turned to crummy habits like emotional eating and smoking and avoidance.  As I return again to who I am and how I want to express myself, I choose healthy habits to make even daily life a more true expression.  And there are the more public dreams, like writing and hosting retreats, where what I believe and how I live will be more visible.

self portrait Sunday

I've been away from this space for a while.  And while I sort of miss it, my real life is calling for my attention a little more intensely right now and not allowing as much time for an on-line life.  Holidays plus divorcing have rendered a little more stress and transitioning than I had initially anticipated.  So please keep us in mind as one of those families navigating big changes and big feelings this season.

In the spirit of gratitude I also want to give thanks for a fun, funny, and productive visit with Mima (my mom) over the week of Thanksgiving.  Little N got lots of attention and did some new creative projects with her while I was at the office Monday - Wednesday.  She cleaned, organized, and supplemented my kitchen with new cookware.  We had about one day to ourselves for more household projects that I never would have gotten to on my own.  I am so grateful to have had another adult around, one who loves my Little N, and with whom I can work on projects pretty darn smoothly.

jack-o-lantern

gratitude Sunday: Mabon

Yesterday afternoon I gathered with my pagan friends to celebrate the Fall Equinox in a holiday called Mabon.  It's a harvest and thanksgiving holiday so we paused together to give thanks for what we have harvested in this past season.  For me, it's been a season of gaining independence - particularly around driving!  We also gave some time to what we would like the next year to include.  Self care and fitness are at the top of my list.

We enjoyed a joyful afternoon together outside in one of the last sunny days before Seattle's long season of cloud cover and rain begins.  There was laughter and stories as well as sharing some of our challenges and burdens to be supported by the group of friends.

I am grateful for these kind friends, their attention to nature, the good work in life, and beauty.  I am grateful for connections made in our gatherings.  I am grateful for strong support and for laughter.

self portrait Saturday: out & about

Mommy got out today!

L watched Little N all afternoon so that I could have some time do whatever I wanted.  At first I planned to go to a movie.  But then I remembered that this was the first day of Tibet Fest 2013.  One of the Dharma School teachers had told me about it as the monastery is for Tibetan Buddhists. Curious, and settled on the fact that movies happen every weekend, I decided to go check it out.

At first I was kind of underwhelmed.  Tibet Fest was just a bunch of booths with same stuff that gets sold at every kind of Fest.  Silver jewelry.  Woven bags.  Flowy skirts.  But I took second look with the intention to learn something.  What was truly Tibetan about Tibet Fest?

The main stage is where all the action was. Tibetan folks and their friends watched the singers and dancers in traditional dress and playing traditional instruments.  A couple little children danced at the back of the audience.  To the left of the stage I found the booth for the Tibetan Association of Washington, where they had a couple of booklets about Tibet and a program for Tibet Fest.

In the mix of booths, I also found one raising support for the Tibetan Buddhist nuns (Tibetan Nuns Project) and another selling books for children.  Upstairs there was a room showing Tibetan films, mainly documentaries.  On my way out I passed a stand selling Tibetan drinks and cookies, so I bought a cookie for the trip home.

Overall a good outing for a mommy who rarely gets to explore her world, never mind the world at large, on her own these days.

gratitude Sunday

I just finished sending out a batch of cards with summer greetings and little mid-year updates. 

 I'm grateful to have such good folks, near and far, to share our family with.  Some of the folks in today's mailing have known me since I was a little girl.  That's more than 30 years.  And some have only known us as a family, since Little N was a baby.  Some may respond, and some won't make a peep, but all of them will know that they are cared about and special to us.  

Christmas Tree

After our little Thanksgiving dinner and afternoon walk in the woods we put up our Christmas tree!  It gets dark so early, combined with Seattle's perpetual overcast this time of year, we're looking forward to many weeks with Christmas lights cheering our afternoons and evenings.  Little N is especially excited to have the tree up.

cold car camping (or my first camping trip in 30-ish years)

This is 30-something me. 

I haven't been camping since I was a young girl.  My husband, who loves cold weather, has convinced me to go camping in the mountains on this very cold, and snow-on-the-mountains, weekend in November.

it's snowing!

daddy building a tent as fast as he can before his fingers freeze stiff

Little N at his happiest throwing rocks into water

the water

Little N marveling at how far he's thrown the stones

beautiful, cold, water

very tiny fire

Little N helping daddy build the fire

Shortly after this photo was captured the fire went out.  We restarted it.  It went out again.  We were very cold.  It was only 4:30 and the sun had yet to go down and take the temperature with it.  So the decision was made to return home.  A tantrum ensued.  Major. Melt. Down.  But we held to the decision, packed up, and somewhere along the 4 hour drive home through snow and pouring rain Little N napped and laughed and generally resumed his happy self.  We got home tired but so happy to be in our warm, dry, home.  And cold car camping is now a thing of the past.  We're reserving our camping plans for warmer weather. 

pumpkin picking