pause

oh friends, real life is calling my name a little more loudly these days,

so I'm taking a pause from this little space.

feel free to email me: jennilincoln(at)yahoo(dot)com

spring

under the cover of wind and rain, 

spring creeps into Seattle

This is kind of how I feel, hope (cling to) as I trudge beneath the heaviness that is divorce.  Somewhere in me is spring, again.  Somewhere in me is new life, spark, spirit, and a happy future.  I'm not feeling that eager bloom today.  Today I merely covet a seed under dark skies.

head massage

There's scarcely any positive human touch in my life these days - being without a partner.  I do give my son lots of hugs, high-fives, snuggles, and tickles.  It's especially sweet when he gives affection back in his own way.

our other favorite heroine - Merida

As soon as Tangled ends, we put on Brave, and once Brave ends, we're back to Tangled…

Brave appeals to me a little more.  At this unsteady cusp of transition in my life, something about Merida's story awakens, inspires, encourages me.  Merida knows her mind and her strength.  Through a challenging journey she learns compassion and humility and love.  Her happily ever after remains to be written; it isn't sealed in the movie with a betrothal.  I want a story like that for my next chapter.

We will run and scream
You will dance with me
We'll fulfill our dreams
And we'll be free
We will be who we are
And then heal our scars
Sadness will be far away

"… Mommy, I want to watch Merpunzel, now, please…"

this moment

There's a lovely blogger who posts "this moment" every Friday.  

It's a beautiful, special moment from the week captured in a pretty photo.  

My week has been a little less than lovely.

Probably the best "moment" was leaving the attorney's office, empowered with more information about how to proceed in my divorce.  It's been a pretty heavy week.  I'm grateful for the support of family and a few friends, yet I still feel like I'm carrying this heaviness, this divorce, on my own.  I'm ready for this week to be over. I'm eager for this divorce to be done but there are more steps, more weeks of carrying the heaviness, before me.

We're heading into mediation next.  Will that lessen this load?  Give me a sense of sharing the burden with at least the mediator if not also with my ex?  Make it our journey rather than my fatigued stumbling?  

I used to know how to slow myself down and pace myself in accordance with the energy that I possessed.  But not this week.  My job, my son, my home requires energy, focus, and emotion I don't currently possess and all I perceive is the dissonance.  

I trust that there is relief, peace, loveliness on the other side of this.  

For now, in this moment, this is where I am. 

dreams in storage… for 2014

I read somewhere that "excess weight is dreams in storage"

In the last 2-ish years I've gained a plump amount of weight that I'd like to shed.  So I'm approaching that weight loss from two angles - my heart and my body.  What dreams are ready to be realized?  What work am I ready to do for those dreams?  What work am I ready to do for my body to resume a healthy-for-me weight?  I'm using Leonie Dawson's 2014 Create Your Amazing Year: Life & Biz Edition Workbook to help me sift through the dreams and the work to achieve them.

Here are some of the dreams I'm working to realize in the coming year:

• Hosting half-day retreats for busy women.  
• This will be a joint venture with a good friend who is a Spiritual Director.  We've got lots of ideas!  Now to set them into motion.
• Experiencing my emotions in healthier ways.  
• As in, not overeating and smoking as a way to deal with how I feel.  Maybe journal them - even jotting a couple notes in my day-planner during a work day, taking a walk, going to the spa, talking about my feelings with the much-loved-therapist. 
• Practice healthful habits - that also promote weight loss.  
• So, eating nutritiously, not overeating, walking, jogging, yoga, tending my body with love, all kinds of good stuff that used to be my own good habits.
• Develop a good divorce and shared parenting with L.  
• We will begin drafting a Parenting Plan this evening.
• Resume writing.  
• Starting with a regular journalling practice and maybe changing how & how often I write here on the blog.

Maybe not so much the big public dreams of success and recognition but significant to me in terms of living a vibrant, positive, authentic life.  And each of these areas have contributed to my weight gain.  As I've slipped away from parts of who I am, and the good habits that embody them, I've turned to crummy habits like emotional eating and smoking and avoidance.  As I return again to who I am and how I want to express myself, I choose healthy habits to make even daily life a more true expression.  And there are the more public dreams, like writing and hosting retreats, where what I believe and how I live will be more visible.

self portrait Sunday: overwhelm

plumbing repairs throughout our apartment building have rendered some 

holes in the ceiling, layers of dust, sniffles, inconvenience and rearranged stuff in our little home.

kiddo doesn't seem to mind, and chimes right in adding his own mayhem to the mix

"Mommy, I'm an Angry Bird!"

the Christmas tree is up, a little beacon of love, light, and hope 

Little N's daddy showed up with wrapped presents to add to the festiveness

(a few more things for the workmen to navigate and coat with dust)

my table is a clutter-magnet with forms to complete, bills to pay, correspondence to reply to, documents to file or shred and general "where should this go? drop it on the table for now…" mess

which is to say I'm tired and overwhelmed and nothing is perfect or tidy or at my fingertips and everything looks like another chore to do or simply out of my control

and all these projects feel like dead ends in the labyrinth to what I really want to be doing, 

the good work that my heart would really be in, some heartfelt vocation beyond 

day-job, housework, parenting, sanity

but Little N is happy and oblivious to Mommy's drama

L and I have called a truce (again), so maybe we'll be able to talk to each other 

without it exploding into harsh voices and an upset Little N,

there's fresh coffee brewing,

and plenty of places to start in making things right in my little world and plenty to let go of.

self portrait Sunday

I've been away from this space for a while.  And while I sort of miss it, my real life is calling for my attention a little more intensely right now and not allowing as much time for an on-line life.  Holidays plus divorcing have rendered a little more stress and transitioning than I had initially anticipated.  So please keep us in mind as one of those families navigating big changes and big feelings this season.

In the spirit of gratitude I also want to give thanks for a fun, funny, and productive visit with Mima (my mom) over the week of Thanksgiving.  Little N got lots of attention and did some new creative projects with her while I was at the office Monday - Wednesday.  She cleaned, organized, and supplemented my kitchen with new cookware.  We had about one day to ourselves for more household projects that I never would have gotten to on my own.  I am so grateful to have had another adult around, one who loves my Little N, and with whom I can work on projects pretty darn smoothly.

self portrait Saturday: Mommy gets out!

geekalicious, right? 

I was just thinking that it's been ages since I've been to a play - and that getting out to artsy stuff was once a regular highlight of my nights.  Then our Beloved Miss A invited me to this:

10 Days to Happiness: One Woman's Hilariously Tortured Search for Enlightenment

The play itself was fairly predictable but getting out and doing something different was a real treat.  And our Beloved Miss A is always good company.

I've recognized, these days, that I'm angry and jealous that L gets to do what he wants he when he wants now that we're separated.  I'm the single mom and he's the renewed bachelor.  Which means more of my time is focused on parenting than on myself and my interests.  I'm not working out or developing my hobbies or getting out to artsy Seattle because I'm home with Little N.  So I arrange my outings for when Little N is with L or the beloved babysitter and I savor the experiences and relationships in the moments that I have.

It's not quantitatively fair.  But something qualitative is working for me.  I miss my boy when he's off with has dad, even though I simultaneously cherish the hours to clean the apartment, read, sit in front of  HULU, catch up on FB.   I show up and deeply value the time together with my friends for book group, or a supper date after work, or creating ritual.  The constraints on my time and attention is reinforcing the value of these moments of connection.  For that much, I can relax, experience some gratitude, and let my jealousy for L's new life fade, even a little bit, as I start to understand and embrace my new life.

spa treatment

A friend has decided I need a mommy break and is treating me to a visit to Ladywell's.  It's a women's-only spa in my neighborhood.  I have no idea if I like to "spa" (is that a verb?) but I'm happy for a break and ready to try something different.  I hardly know how to just sit still these days.  Looking forward to relaxing in good company.  

stress

I am not myself.  I am over tired from nights of waking up and waking up again every couple hours.  Nothing in particular on mind just a feeling that bolts me alert for a moment.  I feel overwhelmed and defeated.  There's very little rest these days.

It's the stress of not-enough-money and no signs of more coming.  It's an amicable divorce gone tense and stilted.  It's full time caring for someone else, a little someone whom I love, that renders little time for caring for me in healthful, strengthening, soulful ways.  It's a stress that clouds the future until there isn't one, there's only today's challenges and fatigue.

My psychiatrist, whom I love, has added a sleep aid to my collection of meds.  I'm reluctant to take it.  I'm reluctant to add another prescription to my litany of daily medications.  I want to be healed, happy, and whole.  I want to be off of the meds and standing on my own.

I try to remember to treat myself and to talk to myself the way I would a much loved friend.  This is a phase of the divorce.  This is an adjustment to my daily life with Little N and now his beloved babysitter too.  The self care starts in my head where I must practice encouragement and patience.  There will again be hopes and dreams.  There still are bright funny friends to share my life with even if not as one partner.

And there is this bright funny little man, trying on our new life with me.  

self portrait Saturday: Whole30 so far

no miracles, but my rings fit comfortably now, and slide on and off easily

the stiffness in my spine and post-baby-right-hip have lessened, and I've lost 5 lbs.  

a nice beginning. 

 in less nice news, tensions are rising in the divorce

we struggle, I think, to keep Little N's well being at front and center 

as we navigate egos, emotions & expectations

I don't have any answers for that today. Today, I'm tired, angry and sad about it all.

Little N continues to be a bright light. 

gratitude Sunday: simplicity

clean tidy kitchen

fresh flowers & fresh laundry

missing my pod

Yesterday's overwhelm passed.

Little N went out with his dad for the afternoon and overnight.  I had some concentrated time to put our place back in clean and tidy order.  Then it was just me.  At first I didn't know what to do with myself.  Then I settled in for a quiet evening of pomegranate and netflix.  Sometimes I can keep things simple.

self portrait Saturday: single mom Saturday morning

kiddo's construction zone - the galley is closed

another sinkful of dirty dishes

overflow of compost

& garbage

kiddo's nest beside my bed (ok, that's cute & cozy)

I'm tired again before I've woken up

once upon a time Saturday morning was a calm before the storm of weekend activity.  

now it holds a storm of housework - that just isn't kept up with during the week.  

gratitude Sunday: the little pauses

This weekend I'm catching my breath in the overwhelm of single mom-ness.

Little N went to his dad's on Friday so I got a little time to hang out with Miss A - and she introduced me to Netflix streaming and Call The Midwife (love!) (I signed myself up Saturday and started watching immediately).  Little N missed me so his dad brought him home Saturday morning.  It was a grey downpour day.  I managed to get some chores done while kiddo watched Tangled (4 times in a row?) (funny & exciting Every Time!), practiced his writing, and crashed around out on the deck.  L came back to get Little N Sunday afternoon for a few hours giving me a little more time for Call The Midwife and some batch cooking for my greatly anticipated Whole30.

I don't expect there's some great relief coming to me.  I expect that these little pauses are what I can hope for and rest in and savor when I get them.  I do experience these odd waves of emotion in the quiet hours alone.  A feeling that says something like, "I shouldn't have to do this alone.  I should have a partner in this."  This being parenting, at least, and maybe life as a whole.  But in these same alone pauses, which I am grateful for, I also know that I'm not alone.  Little N is with his dad.  I am connected to friends and family near and far who care and are thinking of me and Little N as we make our way through this.  It's not the same as a partner.  It's not the same as a best friend next door.  But it matters and I find myself counting on it.  Just as I've come to count on these little pauses.

last night

This is me, last night.  So I just want to own, out loud, here and now, that the single mom gig has caught up to me.  It's hectic and exhausting and one night this week I actually had second thoughts about separating from L because Little N was being So Very Challenging with a wild meltdown tantrum.  These days are hectic.  These days are hard.  These days my emotions are showing up as stress, anxiety, and something like sadness.  Not all day every day.  And not enough to change course.  Only as part of this transition phase.  I stand by the decision to separate from L.  I stand by forging a renewed bond with Little N.  I stand by my independence and sanity and hope for a better place for me and Little N.

self portrait Saturday: healthfulness renew

pleasantly plump?

I am the most heavy (short of pregnancy) and least healthy (totally unlike my pregnancy) that I've ever been.  Well, years of depression, plus two years of divorce-avoiding-marriage, topped off with the recent weeks of transition have seen me settle for some poor coping methods.  My creature comforts have held me tight in their cozy arms (until they become cemented bad habits).  And I've just turned 39.

In retrospect, 38 got me to the place of mental stability and independence to be able to separate from L.  All of that will continue.  I love Dr. L, my psychiatrist, and am grateful for the work we do together, her knowledge, and sense of humor.  I'm continuing to cultivate friendships and skills that expand my world.  But there's also a real felt need for my own self care - particularly my physical health.  So the focus of 39 is self care and fitness.  (Can you help hold me to it?)

Here I am a few years ago at my most fit.  Regular yoga, nutritious diet, and lots of walking.  This is where I want to be at 40.  Slender and strong.  Bendy. Clear. Calm.  And egads! the work it will take to get there.  I'll start by rising early every morning before Little N is up.  I'll do my meditation and yoga.  Then get him started on his day.  I'll walk to the office from an earlier bus stop.  I'll jog on my lunch break.  I'll stock the fridge and pack my meals with healthful foods.  Oh yeah, I'll quit smoking.  And eating candy.

I know what to do... it's the motivation, will, and energy to do it.  It's the commitment to myself.  It's the ranking my care among the priorities of these days.  It's choosing my best habits as my coping skills.  It's choosing me.  The best habits won't happen every day.  Because sometimes I'll need more sleep or Little N will need more attention or I'll choose social connections, real friendships, over my physical routines.  But most days I think I can do this.  I've done it before, so I know it's possible, now I need to get creative and bend those best habits into forms that fit my new single mom life.  

gratitude Sunday

I'm grateful for cultural changes that grant a little more acceptance and breathing room to divorce and alternative family structures (at least where we live in Seattle).

This afternoon, L showed up to have some time with Little N.  They're off to the beach on this cool overcast day.  I'm home puttering around, putting the place in order for a new week, thinking my own thoughts (rather than caregiving & disciplining thoughts).

For me, right now, time with L is kind of stressful.  We're not together anymore because we don't really dig being together.  But I do it, like yesterday's site seeing trip, for Little N's sake.  Is it really in his best interest I wonder?  One more question to navigate as we step deeper into new routines and patterns of relating.

I'm grateful to be able to dissolve a mismatched marriage.  I'm grateful for a former partner who is committed to his son and seeks involvement in his young life.  I'm grateful for the time, the support and encouragement of friends, the love of our son, to figure this all out a step at a time.

self portrait Saturday: family time

Little N & Mommy

Little N & Daddy

3 of us boarding the monorail

up front with the driver

Space Needle ahead!

It's been a bumpy week as our family transitions continue to take shape and take hold.  Little N acts up in school as well as most evenings before bed.  Nearly every day he asks me where his dad is.  His dad is mostly living his life alone in a large apartment and a part time night job.  L takes care of Little N every day after school and they pick me up from work in the evening.  It's a pretty tidy arrangement that keeps the two of them connected and provides needed childcare.  But still Little N has regular questions and big emotions that he and I are walking through together.    

We're pretty tired tonight, or I'd write more.  Thanks for reading.  We're coming through this slow, heavy phase with lots of light and lots of love, due in large part to the kindness of our friends.  

on the cusp

I am a number of things that a (nice, good, attractive...) woman is not supposed to be.

I am: fat, greying, short haired, divorcing, single mom, spiritual seeker, mentally ill.

Tomorrow, I turn 39.  I am aging. 

I am surprised at my own surprise when I tell you it's all ok. Some part of me still believes the old rules about what a woman should and shouldn't be or do.  But nothing bad is happening as a result or in connection with any of those qualities I currently inhabit. They are things that I've chosen and I live well in these choices. Entering my fortieth year, I am making some more choices about what to continue and what to change.  I'm happy to pause a minute and notice where I am today.  Happy and ok.