God is the madwoman in the attic.
I'm camped out on the threshold with my journal, camera, and plenty of snacks.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Self-Portrait Saturday

what's going on out there today?

another at-ease Saturday for Little N & me

My 50-day practice is barely holding on. My job is persistent drain on me. My mind is preoccupied with questions and worries. But for Saturday.

Our weekly island of calm. Tidying, order-making, mommy-soothing chores like laundry and dishes. A long walk in the morning sunlight. Coffee. Hours in the living room with a wild mix of toys. Breezes through the blinds. A little boy's nap. A little time alone in quiet.

I feel like we're swinging rung to rung on the monkey bars these recent weeks. Grip. Swing. Reach. Slip. Hang. Swing. Reach... until I settle two feet on the ladder called Saturday. Catch my breath. Turn around. Survey the current landscape and perspective. And then... Reach into a new week.

Big changes coming for us again. L starts full time work this week. Little N will go to a friend and her child for babysitting. I'm negotiating a job change for part-time work. Reach. Grab. Swing. Reach. Grip. Slip. Hang...Hang...Hang. Swing. Reach. Please, let the other side of this be different. Maybe a longer pause. A different pace to this Swing & Reach. Or a new game altogether.

Some folks love the momentum and speed of these particular monkey bars. I see them at the office where I work. Energetic and energized by the game and the other players swinging and clambering around. It's good for them and they should have it. But I'm a little different from them. It's not good for me; it doesn't excite me and move me rung to rung like it does them. I should and will do something else.

I know it can't all be Saturday. Even Saturday wouldn't be Saturday anymore if every day was Saturday. But they can't all be Sunday night either. All weariness and dread for the week ahead. So I'm surveying a place to make a pause, like Saturday, and plan my next Reach.

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