self-portrait Saturday

Tonight 's reflective posting has been, well, there's a little boy in my room driving a remote control car across the floor, only after sending a Thomas the train across the bed several times, and asking for help each time Thomas crashed off of the bed and fell between the bed and the wall where little arms cannot reach.  The car attempted the same fate but just spun its wheels.  Without ceasing.  At my feet.  And there was some shrieking about how the car was broken.  Followed by "Mommy boogers!!" which is not a term of affection but a request for assistance with a very runny cold. 

Here's the abbreviated reflection:

Bonding with an infant growing into a child develops over time.  An unsteady beginning can still yield a solid loving engaged relationship.  Self-mercy.  Choice.  Attention.  Are vitally important for this to transformation and are also strengthened with time.  I am so grateful for all of this.  

Here's a little more:

They say, "Having a baby changes everything."  Yet another cliche that says it all while telling you absolutely nothing.  Getting pregnant with Little N eliminated my dreams and wishes, darkened the little budding inklings of vocation twinkling in my eye, evicted me from my body, and comprehensively set the world upside down and froze it there.  Some of this I recognized at the time, most of it I didn't understand.  These years later I'm finally regaining my center of gravity, my light and dark, my senses.  It's a different world and a different me and this little boy is part of all of it.  We have a relationship and as much as it complicates my dreams, wishes, vocation...etc. that relationship is real, whole, engaged and engaging, and a rich part of my life.  I am so grateful for all of this.