God is the madwoman in the attic.
I'm camped out on the threshold with my journal, camera, and plenty of snacks.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

feeling better

When I was 8 years old we went on a family vacation to the Grand Canyon.  For the first day I walked around with my parents and my brother and sister looking at rocks. Everyone else "ooohed" and "ahhhhed."  I didn't get it.  On a hunch, my mom handed me her glasses to wear.   I put them on and suddenly there was definition, distinction, depth, crispness, gradation, meaning, engagement, and feeling.  The world around me came into focus and it meant something to me.

That's what antidepressants, vitamin D, and a happy light do for my mind and emotions.

mommy's light

The difference is significant, especially for my relationship with Little N.  Instead of sitting on the couch or along the wall at the park carrying myself gently as if I have the flu, now I'm down on the floor with him.  Playing with him.  Proposing things to do.  Wrestling.  Tossing a ball or pillows or bean bags.  Bringing out the puzzles and games.  Keeping Little N engaged, active, and learning requires some participation from me.  Now I have the tools to be the mom I want to be, all year round.


peekaboo!

jumping on the bed

But it's not all or only about Little N.  The deficits of depression impact all aspects of my life - my marriage, physical health, conversations, job, interests, memory, even the way my body feels.  It's the difference between going out for a family adventure or staying in, day after day.  It's coming up with some seasonal traditions to celebrate and enjoy with Little N, or letting the day tick by, mundane.  It means doing yoga or reading or sending holiday cards or making a playdate... or any of the things that make anyone's life connected to other people, interesting, positive, healthy, productive, good company, fulfilling, and worth the resources and relationships that make us alive human beings with good days and bad days and lots in between.

so intense

1 comment:

Di said...

Jenni, I have been there!
I love that you are so aware of that need for engagement with little N.... you are right on the button!
You are doing great! :)
p.s. love your blog, you should write more often!!