God is the madwoman in the attic.
I'm camped out on the threshold with my journal, camera, and plenty of snacks.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

HAES check-in

I... am pleasantly plump.   It's true.  I took a photo of myself (not just my gorgeous green toes) and decided that no, I actually couldn't post it here because, yes, I am that plump and no, I am not that comfortable with looking like that.  Although, I feel ok, and I just got some fun, groovy skirts at the Goodwill that I really enjoy wearing, so that's ok too.  Maybe the photo posting confidence will develop next week.

this little piggy...
All that to say, not-dieting is turning out to be more challenging than I anticipated.   I'm still measuring myself against some standard of what I ought to look like.  I don't look like that. 

I'm staying active.  I've managed yoga or walking every day.  My muscles are waking up, slowly and achingly.  My body seems to remember the yoga routines and I move along through the postures even though it requires more effort (and sweat!) than it used to.   I look forward to yoga.  I feel good!

But eating... eating is the big challenge right now.  It's like after all this time (years, really) of some foods being good (green leafys) and some foods being bad (hello bread, pasta, cookies, rice) I'm in a self-serving indulgence phase.  Maybe it's already starting to wear off.  Last night, salad tasted good alongside a salmon burger and slices of roasted yam.  Delicious. Nutritious.  Felt good.  And the cookies, throughout the day (egads!) were tasty but not entirely satisfying.

I read a magazine article recently where the woman's doctor suggested that maybe she was indulging her sweet tooth because she lacked pleasure in other areas of her life.  That makes sense for me.  Wrangling with depression, the particular challenges of motherhood, a job that's just a job, maintaining a tight family budget... all these things make finding pleasure, and then accepting it, difficult for me. 

So let's add to my resolution of making peace with my shape and size - to also find and immerse myself in pleasure.

One of my little pleasures is painting my toes.  Something about colorful nails shining up at me from the yoga mat welcomes me back to my practice and makes me smile.  Yoga itself is a challenge and a pleasure.  What else gives me pleasure?  What comfort, delight, satisfaction, fun!, can I reach for in the course of a day or a week of regular life challenges?  What do I want to look forward to, near and far?  What satisfies me in a way that cookies simply don't?

It's a common set of questions, especially for moms, I think, and important to be noticing as we work through the good days and the bad days.

1 comment:

Di said...

Nice posts Jenni, your issues are my issues! :D
Although at the moment, when I look out of my window, all I see are lovely sunny days!!! ;)