God is the madwoman in the attic.
I'm camped out on the threshold with my journal, camera, and plenty of snacks.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013


I had this experience last week where I felt like I could see through the walls of the office to something more true, more real, than this daily life.  I was afraid that I was cracking up, having a psychotic break or something.  But when I told my psychiatrist about it, she said it was more like a psychic expanded consciousness kind of thing.  Ok.  Still unnerving.  But kind of convincing me that this life is an illusion and spirit is more true.  

My psychiatrist went on to tell me that meaning and joy come from within.  Going inside through meditation and such.  Don't be afraid to do it, she says.  I'm afraid.  Like I'm going to meet someone scary and mean inside myself.  Like all my fears will come to life.  She thinks those fears come from things I was taught about human nature and sin etc.  She thinks I have a spark inside me that I can hold in my heart and it will light my insides.  

Do you think she's right?  That the light and meaning are inside of each of us.  And the fitness plans and resumes etc are may be pragmatic but not quite where the action is?  They are the illusion.  Spirit inside is what's real?  And yet, what does it solve, to believe that way?  How does one live that? 

For a long time I really believed that spirit is where it's at.  But then I had Little N and now I feel like I am totally ill equipped to support him in the "real world" with a good paying job, not to mention my own satisfaction in a fulfilling job.  And I worry so much about money it's crazy-making.  There's just never enough.  We're dipping into savings.  Ack!  That kind of thing makes this daily pragmatic life feel very much more real, more significant than spirit and healing and even job satisfaction.  

It makes me think a couple of things 
1) I should have figured out a nice linear path to a career when I was younger.  
2) This spirit/world thing is a shifting balance that maybe only rarely feels steady and balanced.  

And that's as much as I've figured out today.

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