It's been a while since I've been on here with any kind of regularity. The truth is that I've been wrangling with depression. For a couple of years. And really struggled to find any words about anything, especially myself. Between the daily grind (job, family, laundry, bills) and getting well (meds, new meds, new meds again, therapy) there hasn't been much of me left over.
I'm improving - I have more energy, my head has cleared from the fog, and my body has shed that achey, leaden feeling. I give myself credit for mushing through the daily grind and getting well. And now I'm trying to build on that credit to render some words. Some perspective. Replace the sad, tired beliefs in my head with something - brighter, honest, hinting of possibility.
I have a few friends who live these commitments to big things. Justice. Grace. Art. Health. Ecology. The last time I could say something similar about myself was graduate school. Since then it's been all about Little N. Coupled with this mind numbing, heart stopping, passion evaporating depression. I don't know what I'm about anymore. Sanity. Family. and...? Looking for Something More.
I chose a word for this year. It seemed a useful tool for focusing my efforts as I come out of this haze. I chose Connection. And in some gradation between vagueness and optimism, I applied it to multiple aspects of my life: Connection to my feelings, people, ideas, spirit, and my body. So every week I choose activities that relate back to Connection - send a letter to a friend, resume yoga, participate in ritual, go to church group, read. And my hope is that through this practice of Connection that commitment to some big thing will reveal itself. Or maybe Connection, itself, will appear as my big thing.