self portrait Saturday: the "D" word

L and I have decided to divorce. 

It's hardly a surprise to folks that really know us.  We've been struggling over what to do with our relationship for the last two years.  Then, the "D" word was an "or else."  Now, it's a settled calm. 

I thought the hard part was achieving a shared decision in shared timing.  But there's a lot that's hard about divorcing.  A great heap of decisions looms before us to sift through and settle.  There are conclusions to be reached together before stepping into lives apart.  That's a challenge, as we in many ways already live separate lives, with separate values, friendships, interests, and points of view.

But it's a hopeful time too.  Of relief and peace and new beginnings.  Of honesty and living lives that are more open and true to who we each are.  Of recognizing what we share - both of us in love with Little N and committed to his happiness.

So I find myself in a mixed season of crisp brown endings and tender green beginnings all intermingled.  My mixed emotions rush and hiccup and pause and flow.  Facades fade and fumble.  So it's also a whole rich vibrant season of truth and reality.  And that gives me the courage, the peace, and the energy to continue on this new and unfamiliar path.