God is the madwoman in the attic.
I'm camped out on the threshold with my journal, camera, and plenty of snacks.

Saturday, July 06, 2013

self portrait Saturday: miss interdependent

sun kissed?  sun crisped.

I'm doing a lot more on my own these days - on my own as a parent with Little N.  I like it.  I like feeling capable and competent on my own with him.  I like the way the world that Little N and I inhabit has stretched, just a bit, so we can be comfortable together on these long summer days.  It reminds me of my early days mothering his newborn self.  I would try to write down ever little thing I learned to do and so remind myself what was going well (for the days when it seemed like nothing was going well).

It also reminds me of when and why I moved in with L eight years ago.  I was depressed, uninsured, and living alone.  I was trying to muscle through it all on my own.  And I couldn't.  And I had this smart, kind, funny boyfriend who was happy to get a place with me.  We found a great little apartment with lots of natural light and a fun neighborhood.  We even got a cat.  Things were looking better.  But it set me up to be dependent on L.  I was convinced that I couldn't make it on my own.  And that belief has stayed with me even into parenting Little N.

So these are days of big breakthroughs.  I can do this mom thing on my own.  Do I want to?  On the other hand, we have Miss A and her love and support.  We sleep over at her place, enjoy her company and her space.  I welcome another adult to chat with or to watch Little N while I get to pee in privacy or simply look away for a minute.  What cooperation or support or participation do I want?  From whom? If I don't need it, then what do I choose?  Maybe things are good the way they are, and this shift in perspective is what I want and choose.  But maybe a different constellation of parenting and family is in order.  Right now, I can't even imagine what that could look like.

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