sun kissed? sun crisped.
I'm doing a lot more on my own these days - on my own as a parent with Little N. I like it. I like feeling capable and competent on my own with him. I like the way the world that Little N and I inhabit has stretched, just a bit, so we can be comfortable together on these long summer days. It reminds me of my early days mothering his newborn self. I would try to write down ever little thing I learned to do and so remind myself what was going well (for the days when it seemed like nothing was going well).
It also reminds me of when and why I moved in with L eight years ago. I was depressed, uninsured, and living alone. I was trying to muscle through it all on my own. And I couldn't. And I had this smart, kind, funny boyfriend who was happy to get a place with me. We found a great little apartment with lots of natural light and a fun neighborhood. We even got a cat. Things were looking better. But it set me up to be dependent on L. I was convinced that I couldn't make it on my own. And that belief has stayed with me even into parenting Little N.
So these are days of big breakthroughs. I can do this mom thing on my own. Do I want to? On the other hand, we have Miss A and her love and support. We sleep over at her place, enjoy her company and her space. I welcome another adult to chat with or to watch Little N while I get to pee in privacy or simply look away for a minute. What cooperation or support or participation do I want? From whom? If I don't need it, then what do I choose? Maybe things are good the way they are, and this shift in perspective is what I want and choose. But maybe a different constellation of parenting and family is in order. Right now, I can't even imagine what that could look like.