I have been dreading August. The long limbo month before L moves out, N starts school, "our place" becomes "my home," and I invoke new habits and values and patterns for my home. Then I made a list (which quickly became three lists) of all the things that need to get done before those changes can happen and suddenly August was more boon than bane. Rather than hovering in limbo, waiting, passive, there's a lot that I can (must, need, want to) do. That actually feels better to me.
While a lot of the "to do lists" are seemingly endless forms (hello divorce) and phone calls & emails (hiya kindergarten at a new school) there's plenty that I can do in our home these days. Little N and I have started composting. He loves checking into our little bucket of stinky scraps and trucking them down to the big bin in the garage. We've also started making smoothies in our brand new blender. Little N would like us to start using strawberries. I'm intent on getting him to brush his teeth twice a day, instead of our standard evening cleaning. And Dharma school (a story for another time) for both of us starts at the Buddhist monastery next Sunday. Good healthful changes with no delay.
There's good in our life that remains unchanged. Little N and I continue to soak up sun at the beach and around town all weekend long. We are still bonding in a way, and in ways that we didn't when he was an infant and I was under the long dark spell of postpartum depression. Bonding happens again and again, through care and good habits and simple time together. We have our own rhythm now. I love that. I realize, writing this, that I'm bonded through the same kinds of things - care, habits, time - with his dad. Little N does come from a family of love. The details and dynamics have shifted in major ways over the years for me and L. But we share a bond, mostly around our life with Little N, and that bond is still important and deserves to have significant influence in how our family proceeds. For all of this and more, I am grateful for this August.