The hard feelings have settled in. Not hard feelings in the sense of vindictiveness or judgment between me and L. But hard feelings in terms of feelings that are hard to accept, hard to sit with, feelings that are hard for me to let myself feel. Worry. Doubt. Sadness. Loss. Grief. Anger. Disappointment. I twist and distract myself away from them. I overeat. I smoke. I make smalltalk. My mind jumps around and I fidget.
And then I notice that I've drifted from the very me I want to be. The very me that much of this divorce and transition is for. Why make these changes other than to be and to give Little N two whole, engaged, loving individuals for parents - even if they cannot live together. What I mean is, I want to be wholly me, wholly engaged, with my values and emotions and all of me present and participating in this life. I want the same for L and for Little N. As a couple, right now L and I are holding each other back. And when I refuse and resist my own feelings I am holding myself back.
So while Little N played at the park last night I sat on the grass and journaled. I tried to recognize each of the hard feelings and give a little attention to how they felt. I feel sad - to break up our little pod, to have failed in marriage, to shake up Little N's world. I feel afraid - what if I can't make it on my own, what if I suck as a single mom. I feel lonely - I don't have a partner, my friends and family are far away. It was an uncomfortable exercise.
The hard feelings and the happy hopeful feelings are all equally true. I am all of them. They are all due the time and attention to be felt. And in feeling all of them I am more true, more whole and engaged, more me. That's what Little N and I both need me to be.