God is the madwoman in the attic.
I'm camped out on the threshold with my journal, camera, and plenty of snacks.

Monday, June 23, 2008

the next 100 changes

In thinking some more about what I liked about the blog "The Next 100 Pounds" (see previous post) I recognize that I'm affected by the vigilance and emotions of making change in your life. You'd think that with all the change this last year has brought me I'd be ready to sit still for a while. But what I'm feeling instead is that the circumstances of my life has changed and I need to make some changes in order to be who I am, who I want to be, in this odd new life.

That means work.

Good, difficult, valuable work.

I'm looking at my relationships - with my family, with money, with my body, with career, with spirit. Right now I'm in the list making phase. What feels "off" right now? Do I know what would feel "right"? What am I willing to do to live something closer to "right"? When I put all those pieces together what does a day, a week, a month, a marriage, a household look like?

Some of this will become obvious even if it's not easy - to feel better in my body I'll change how I eat and exercise. Maybe I'll set weekly goals, keep a food diary, be wary of using food for comfort or celebration, set some regular weigh-ins for myself, dress up at the size I am. Difficult and yet clear - there are resources at hand and other people doing the same kind of work.

But some of this is very complex. Tonight I told L that I feel sad about my relationship with my mom, especially. It feels like grief, like a loss. I don't have anything more clear than that tonight. He said, "Well, maybe that's just where you need to be right now." That feels right. I think the feeling of grief will show me what I want the relationship to be (what is it that I'm mourning?) and what I can do, if anything, to improve the relationship. Even accepting that it is different from what I wanted. That's something about simultaneously accepting mom for who she is and me for who I am.

Tonight, I will not drown my sorrow in a pint of ice cream. I will earn a shiny gold star to put on the calendar by getting out the yoga mat and doing some exercise. Tomorrow I'll wear my favorite summer skirt - a very forgiving wraparound with a one of a kind batik print. And I'll continue to think and to journal about the changes I'm growing into.

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