reprieve

Tonight makes three Sunday nights in a row I am overwhelmed by the clutter & grit in this little apartment. I feel similarly about my life. I'm stalled and scared and spend my evenings stewing in celebrity gossip. (I am why we have the paparazzi.)

But then S the Cat lies across my lap purring. He just wants to be held and petted. I remember how much I love him and cuddle him close. It gives me a pause in my self-defeat.

I remember the warm afternoon walk I took with Baby N. He was tight against my chest in his sling, singing and flirting with the ladies at the market. All my pride in this sweet beautiful boy just beaming out of me. I felt so happy to make him happy and to enjoy his good company. And then this evening, when Baby N wouldn't sleep, holding him again close to my chest, this time with a bottle and a blanket, and he played with my hair as he finally dozed off.

I remember L coming home from visiting with new friends and his great happiness to have met some folks that he really connects with for the first time in a while. He is confident and kind and I am happy for him. I remember him complimenting the new skirt I got while out with Baby N and that reminds me of his consistent encouragement and admiration of me, even when I feel I can't deserve it.

I remember that I have a good life. It's rich with what matters most to me. I have work to do, yes, and I have good reasons to do it. But tonight I have love and trust and can sleep soundly with them.