formal diagnosis

This afternoon Little N received a formal diagnosis of Autism.

It was a long awkward-feeling meeting - despite the kindness of his team and the center's pediatrician. I'm still making sense of it all. The diagnosis plus all the info about what to do next simply overwhelmed me.

There are parts of the meeting itself that felt off - we were always safe, N was always safe - and yet, it was all so unfamiliar, all the cues were wrong. The pediatrician is a doctor and needed to do parts of an exam but we're not in a doctor's office, we're in an average office-y office and we didn't know she'd need to do that... it was just weird. Plus the jumbled up power - we're the authorities because we are the parents but the dr. is the authority because she's a medical expert and N's therapists are authorities because they work with him and score his evaluations.... I was able to assert myself when I felt N was anxious or uncomfortable, so I had power, and yet.... I didn't feel like co-equals with the other power-holders in the room.

And by the time it was over I was So Very Drained.

I told L that I needed a day to let it sink in. Now I feel that I'm going to need a couple more days. He'll understand. In the meantime, Little N is the same healthy, happy, learning & stretching little boy. We can afford to give mama a few days to catch up.