self portrait Saturday: I'll show you mine

I got a bathing suit.  And I wore it out.  At the beach. Today.

One of my goals for this year was to wear my swimsuit out in public.  The plan was for that suit to be the bikini I got when I lost all the weight after having Little N.  I still have the bikini.  I also have all the weight, again.  And maybe it's my meds or maybe it's my lifestyle but the weight is not coming off so readily this time around despite the changes in diet, the new control over my binges, and the jogging.  So, do I hide under a bushel all summer long?  Draped in billowy T-shirts and black capris?  Or do I find a suit that fits, that I can move around in, and that I like?

I felt downright called to get a suit.  I found it at the store next door and it was on sale!  I am not going to be that mom fretting about her weight in front of her kid.  I am going to be with my kid, out in the world, doing stuff.  Like wading in the waves and digging in the sand.  And for that kind of stuff, I need a swimsuit.  

I still get judgey about weight and body issues - otherwise this post wouldn't feel worth writing about, right?  I compare myself to the other women along the seashore.  Bigger than her.  Smaller than her.  I almost grieve the loss of my younger thinner self.  But back then, I thought I was fat.  I didn't dare wear a bathing suit.  I was too self consciously fixated on the so-called perfect body that I didn't have to be able enjoy the body that I did have in the real world that I was living in.  That worry, that conviction, that my body wasn't quite right placed some activities and experiences out of my reach.  It restrained me.

So today I pulled on my swim tank and my swim shorts and, before loading up the car with the beach bag and the kiddo, I snapped a photo of my imperfect body in my comfy new suit ready for a morning of summer fun with my son.  

This is me. In the body I inhabit today.  The place from which I engage the world.