God is the madwoman in the attic.
I'm camped out on the threshold with my journal, camera, and plenty of snacks.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

self portrait Saturday: uniform

My husband is a stay-at-home dad and a good one.  But it's impossible for us to pay all the bills on what I make as an admin at a (perpetual) start-up.  So L has picked up a part-time job at night and I have picked up a number of evenings plus the weekends solo parenting so that L can sleep while I take Little N.  It's rough.  It's very rough.  But once school starts again things will ease up, in terms of L being able to sleep during the day, so we really just need to get through two months of this.  We can do that.  

We're gradually developing our new routine of occupying Little N and providing L with a good sleeping environment.  (Also kind of rough with a small apartment.)  So Little N and I go out. A lot.  Every Saturday morning, and more times besides, we're off to the beach!  

This is me in my summer morning beach uniform of cap, turquoise T, black lightweight capris, and flip flops.  The only thing missing is my ubiquitous cup of coffee.  I'm comfy and ready for anything the sand, surf, and son send at me.

 But single-ish mom isn't the role I would have chosen for myself.  Heck, we all know by now that "Mom" wasn't my plan.  For that matter, "Admin" wasn't my plan either but it's turned out to be the most direct way that I can make money for this little family.  Much as I love our family pod, I need, and want, and get to have (really?  I hope so...) other identities and other good work in the world.

I have a new daydream of what my good work in the world may be.  It's been a long time since I've had a dream like this for myself, so I take it to mean a few things.  One, I'm getting well.  I can imagine something positive and imagine being, bringing, contributing something positive.  That's been a long time coming.  Two, I have to be brave and learn things that are new to me.  And isn't that what the Mom gig has been for me from the beginning.  I know that I can be brave.  I can learn new things.  I can fail & learn & try again.  Three, Compassion.  For others.  For myself.

But what's the new daydream?!  I don't want to jinx it.  Please wait and see as it develops and shows up here.  Wish me luck and all good things!

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