"We never see things changing, we only see them ending"
-Slide, Ani DiFranco
I'm very much practicing a vision that sees things are changing, not ending. Composting my relationship with L so that some new fertile earth can develop to help us grow up Little N. Imagining a new home life for me and the kiddo. Asking questions about what I'll need to support me, to support our family, in all kinds ways, after L moves out. Recognizing sources of kindness, company, and love that I hadn't previously perceived. Concerned about all the steps and the questions to be resolved. Grieving, already, the unified pod that our little family once was. Excited for a new beginning.
In classic Jenni fashion, I'm marking this time with symbols. I've replaced my wedding rings with a large Moonstone ring. It was a gift to myself that I picked up when I started taking my therapy and treatment for depression more sincerely and seriously. Only now has it found a home on my left hand. And I've shaved my head. I love how it feels though I understand that it can be startling to look at. It's a fresh start. (Plus... L never likes it when I cut my hair short. Now I can do it without anyone's grumbles.)
Maybe the best part of this transition period is feeling freer. As the habits, compromises, and justifications that L and I have settled into, long cemented around us, start to crack and we each move a little more freely, they crumble a little looser. I perceive my own senses and sensibilities again, like limbs tingling awake after long inactivity. I remember myself. I am renewed. (I love how it feels though I understand that it can be startling to look at.)