God is the madwoman in the attic.
I'm camped out on the threshold with my journal, camera, and plenty of snacks.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

self portrait Saturday: entering the changes

"We never see things changing, we only see them ending"
-Slide, Ani DiFranco

I'm very much practicing a vision that sees things are changing, not ending.  Composting my relationship with L so that some new fertile earth can develop to help us grow up Little N.  Imagining a new home life for me and the kiddo.  Asking questions about what I'll need to support me, to support our family, in all kinds ways, after L moves out.  Recognizing sources of kindness, company, and love that I hadn't previously perceived.  Concerned about all the steps and the questions to be resolved.  Grieving, already, the unified pod that our little family once was.  Excited for a new beginning.  

In classic Jenni fashion, I'm marking this time with symbols.  I've replaced my wedding rings with a large Moonstone ring.  It was a gift to myself that I picked up when I started taking my therapy and treatment for depression more sincerely and seriously.  Only now has it found a home on my left hand.  And I've shaved my head.  I love how it feels though I understand that it can be startling to look at.  It's a fresh start.  (Plus... L never likes it when I cut my hair short.  Now I can do it without anyone's grumbles.)

Maybe the best part of this transition period is feeling freer.  As the habits, compromises, and justifications that L and I have settled into, long cemented around us, start to crack and we each move a little more freely, they crumble a little looser.  I perceive my own senses and sensibilities again, like limbs tingling awake after long inactivity.  I remember myself.  I am renewed.  (I love how it feels though I understand that it can be startling to look at.)


beth said...

So much of this resonates with me. I'm catapulted back to the spring of 2009 when I began my divorce journey. Much love, lady. :-)

Bright Side of Life said...

Wow wee, you rock a shaved head. Looks amazing.