I am the most heavy (short of pregnancy) and least healthy (totally unlike my pregnancy) that I've ever been. Well, years of depression, plus two years of divorce-avoiding-marriage, topped off with the recent weeks of transition have seen me settle for some poor coping methods. My creature comforts have held me tight in their cozy arms (until they become cemented bad habits). And I've just turned 39.
In retrospect, 38 got me to the place of mental stability and independence to be able to separate from L. All of that will continue. I love Dr. L, my psychiatrist, and am grateful for the work we do together, her knowledge, and sense of humor. I'm continuing to cultivate friendships and skills that expand my world. But there's also a real felt need for my own self care - particularly my physical health. So the focus of 39 is self care and fitness. (Can you help hold me to it?)
Here I am a few years ago at my most fit. Regular yoga, nutritious diet, and lots of walking. This is where I want to be at 40. Slender and strong. Bendy. Clear. Calm. And egads! the work it will take to get there. I'll start by rising early every morning before Little N is up. I'll do my meditation and yoga. Then get him started on his day. I'll walk to the office from an earlier bus stop. I'll jog on my lunch break. I'll stock the fridge and pack my meals with healthful foods. Oh yeah, I'll quit smoking. And eating candy.
I know what to do... it's the motivation, will, and energy to do it. It's the commitment to myself. It's the ranking my care among the priorities of these days. It's choosing my best habits as my coping skills. It's choosing me. The best habits won't happen every day. Because sometimes I'll need more sleep or Little N will need more attention or I'll choose social connections, real friendships, over my physical routines. But most days I think I can do this. I've done it before, so I know it's possible, now I need to get creative and bend those best habits into forms that fit my new single mom life.