God is the madwoman in the attic.
I'm camped out on the threshold with my journal, camera, and plenty of snacks.

Friday, January 31, 2014

not quite… & yet

I have a few confessions to make.

I've been smoking.  Not the half pack a day that I was up to, but, yeah, smoking.  Last week I smoked a total of 3 cigarettes all week.  I was Awesome!  This week I smoked 1 complete pack.  I Suck!

And the great success of Little N's new room… not exactly.  It's turned into me sleeping on the floor next to his bed, at least until he falls asleep.  I usually doze off as well and wake up stiff and achy after a couple hours on the floor, rouse myself enough to get to my room, and fall back to sleep in my own bed.

And my health kick for the new year is more like one massive trigger to overeat.  I mean, I have cookies baking in the oven right now and I'm the only one that's going to eat them.  I haven't been keeping to any of my health, nutrition, and fitness intentions.

But there's this great little Pagan-Christian hybrid holiday coming up which is perfect for situations like this one I've sunken myself into.

Imbolc (or Candlemas or St. Brigid's Day) is a holiday about recognizing the early signs of spring, the longer reach of sunlight into our days being key among them.  I've also observed it as a holiday about human creativity like art and poetry or even entrepreneurial endeavors.  Imbolc marks the transition from winter into spring.  It is where we step from a season of hibernation into the new season of action. The seeds start stirring in the physical world around us and within the worlds of our own lives.

So, it's a perfect time for me to map out meal plans and grocery lists, set the alarm clock a little earlier for morning workouts, and continue to quit smoking.  I set an intention for this year and now that the season of action is upon us, with the encouragement of sunlight and the coming spring to accompany me, I'm trying again.  I'm marking out in the physical world a sense of self I claim in my internal world - nonsmoker, healthy, active, engaged, emotionally and spiritually present.

I've been thinking a lot lately of how I feel my emotions in my body.  Mostly in my gut but sometimes in my chest or a parched mouth or an aching head….  Of course, I shut that all down with a bag of Doritos or a couple Dove squares or a simple cigarette.  I'm thinking about all that presence that I'm avoiding through the way that I treat my body.  And I'm wondering if my spirituality is in my body as well.  The messages, the inspiration, the prayers, and the presence, is all in my body.  How do I want to treat the medium of discernment and meaning in my own life?  How do I want to behave and be with the people that I engage with throughout a given day?  Coming home to my own emotions and spirituality happens when I come home to and tend my own body.

I lived January as another month of hibernation.  Pondering.  Experimenting.  But not committing to the intentions of my year.  Imbolc offers another opportunity and the good company of the natural world to actively participate in my own embodiment physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

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